Mother in law indulging my 2,5 year old with sweets

[ThisDreamyExpert]

Hi all, am I being unreasonable? My MIL loves bringing sweets to our house. She does ask before giving it to my toddler (in most cases). She always has ice cream and juice in her fridge for when my daughter goes to visit. She visits about once a week. And would offer it (again would ask - but always asks in front of the toddler). So there is no choice in giving it then.
we have said we are limiting sweets. It is annoying when it feels like she is pushing being the grandma that spoils the kids.
she would bring sweets to our house and tell me to give it to the kids, using my discretion, although I don’t want any sweets in my house at all.
AIBU?
if not, how do I confront her?

Once a week seems moderate. There’s nothing wrong with sweets in moderation. But you can say to her “please don’t ask if child can have something when they’re in the room because I struggle with saying no in front of them”.

However I think it’s pretty unreasonable that you can’t say “no, thank you” or “not now, we’ll put it away for later”.

This is just what grandparents do, isn't it? I don't give my son biscuits or crisps often but I know he has them with his nana once or twice a week. It's our job to have rules and balance and all that as parents, but grandparents do just get to fuss and play and spoil them.

I'd say you are BU. Sweets in moderation are not a problem and grandparents spoiling the kids is lovely.
I am sure there will be many posters here saying she should respect your boundaries etc. etc. and yes, she probably should but it's not a hill to die on. I am 40 and my granny is still buying me my favourite chocolates every time I see her. It's a wonderful memory we share. My mum also never allowed sweets or anything "artificial" in the house.

You are limiting sweets, your dd has them once a week, how much more limited do they need to be?

So there is no choice in giving it then of course there's a choice, you could say no to your child.

Suggest she takes around a colouring book or something instead if you must, no need for confrontation.

Once a week is fine
you can control what your toddler eats at home

I don't see the issue. She's giving her grandchild sweets once a week. What's the problem. I don't think she is doing anything wrong.

Unless there is a diagnosed medical reason, leave it be. These years go by so quick and you’re wasting time. What happens at nan’s stays at nan’s. You might need her more than you realise down the line and being pedantic about her enjoying being a nan is dumb.

It's up to you because this is your DC so if you don't want the sweets at your house then you're entitled to say so. It doesn't need to be a confrontation, just let her know - or get DH to do it seeing as she's his mum. You can't stop her having juice and sweets at her own house, you can ask she doesn't offer them to DC though.

In my own unfiltered opinion, it wouldn't bother me as it's once a week and there is nothing wrong with juice and sweets within an overall balanced diet. I like when the grandparents buy DC sweets because then I don't have to and when they ask I can point out that they've already had sweets from nana/grandad. In my experience of four DC and working extensively with children via my career, the children who are taught that sweets are forbidden/naughty and strictly restricted on how many treats/sugary things they can have are the ones most likely to go crackers for those things when they are presented with the opportunity, especially once they're old enough to have access to their own money.

What happens at nan's stays at nan's, I love this!

DC go to their Nana's for tea once a week as I'm late home on that day. Do they probably have McDonalds most weeks? Yeah. Am I bothered about it given that the rest of their week is more balanced, they're having quality time with their Nana, and I'm getting free childcare? Nah.

It bothers me more that when I was a kid I'd be told "we have food at home" but now there are grandkids it's McDonald's of a Thursday, a bowl of sweets in the kitchen, and fivers on tap so DC can "treat themselves".

Going against the grain here, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I wouldn’t want my 1.5 and 3.5 year old eating sweets, chocolate or ice cream. I would never give them to them and I know my parents and in laws would be the same. They can spoil them with love and affection! Sweets are just not necessary, especially at such a young age.

Precisely this. And be mindful of negative language like “how naughty of Nanna” even said jokingly.

Also if she brings a mental amount of sweets then you hide some of it away. The child doesn’t need them all at once.

Your child will benefit from seeing kind and loving relationships in the family - not mum frowning and being tense when Nanna come round.

It wouldn’t bother me once a week.

However, I have the same issue with my mum and my DC, and what’s really helped is giving her control over the family ‘chocolate box’ that we have after dinner. After dinner we all get one small chocolate from the chocolate box (we do this every night). It’s usually an Easter egg or mini kinder type thing, dark chocolate square for me and DH etc.

When my mum stays with us, she goes and buys elaborate chocolates for the box and really enjoys watching the kids faces when she opens it. This seems to do enough to fulfil her need to ram my DC full of sugar every day.

Could you introduce a ‘once a day’ type thing, like an afternoon icecream? Would your MIL stick to that?

I would put a stop to the juice straight away. Totally unnecessary. Even my 4 year old still only drinks water.

Sweets/chocolate in moderation is fine. Don’t make them an issue, but equally make sure grandma isn’t going on about them being a treat etc. They’re just food like everything else - no need to be on a pedestal.

This is good advice. Making it a ‘grandma’ thing makes it easier to say no for the rest of the week.

e.g. There is an icecream van outside my DC’s school a few times a week. Whenever my mum stays with us, she picks up the DC and buys them icecream. For the rest of the year, when my DC ask for an icecream I say ‘no, that’s something you do with grandma’. Easy, they never complain or ask again.

I had similar with my MIL - it was every time. Fortunately my daughter wasn't too fussed but was an absolutely machine with blueberries and raspberries so I pushed hard to encourage interesting fruit at Granny's house and it seemed to work well. DD was happy, MIL was happy she got to treat her granddaughter and I was happy that she was building healthy habits.

My MIL has a deeply strange relationship with food and is obsessed with feeding people. My DH has a long term condition attributed to childhood diet so has to be careful what he eats. She still tries giving him unhealthy food every time she sees him and has got angry when he hadn’t accepted!

shes Now obsessed with feeding my 1 year old cake biscuits etc which is completely unnecessary at such a young age- and tries to argue with us when we say no

Honestly for us it means no alone time as she’s never going to respect us- with anything not just food
sounds like your MIL is happy to be guided by you so I would just be honest she say your worried about your child having that quantity of junk food at a young age. Could it be moderated and rather than always having food as a treat try a colouring book or bubbles?
There is research about the foods we eat as a child effecting our gut bacteria and microbiome so it can have effects long term so moderation is definitely reasonable

@ThisDreamyExpert You don't "confront" her. That is an aggressive way to deal with a problem.

You ask politely, and make suggestions for her to bring something else like a toy or a children's magazine instead.

Thing is though, kids tend to love their grandparents WITHOUT sweets, and parents, who are doing the hard slog, should also get a LITTLE share of the "random joy of spoiling" stuff.

So I think it's ok for a grandparent to mix it up a bit - take them out for a picnic, bring a toy, whatever. My son loves my mum's regular cooking enough that he gets excited about it even though we love 200 miles away.

I don't think "what happens at granny's stays at granny's" a cute dynamic.

My DM sadly has now passed,used to bring sweets all the time. One time a carrier bag full! I used to say we can have them later and put them away.As a child she and my Dad were really strict on sweets ,teeth cleaning and so on. Nan had an argument with my Dad, because she bought some honeycomb for me and he said he wasnt happy! just nod ,smile and put away for later

At my MIL's funeral, her adult grandkids did a joint eulogy, where they lovingly and humourously talked about how she spoiled them with chocolate when she had the chance. We all smiled, and the memories made us miss her all the more.

Yeah... I knew a kid like your daughter when I was young. Parents banned sweets, wouldn't have them in the house. The child used to go mad at parties when cakes etc were freely available (back in the nineties). Acted like a total sugar junkie.

Everything in moderation.