To want to know my Mum's prognosis?

[UnBledPerdu]

It's been recently confirmed that my Mum's cancer has come back/spread and is now incurable.

She has made it clear that she doesn't want her oncologist to tell her how long she is likely to have. When she first had cancer, she wanted to know as little as possible about it so this isn't a new thing.

I completely get that this is her way of coping and I am being (outwardly) supportive of that... but, inside, I am struggling with having absolutely no idea of what kind of timescale we could be looking at. I know doctors can't give an exact date but to even know whether we're talking months or years would be something, especially as I live really far away from her.

I worry that I'm being unreasonable to feel this way - as if I'm wanting her to do something she explicitly doesn't want to do just so that I can feel (a bit) less stressed.

I do get that there is no way to have absolute certainty. Anything could happen. I could drop dead long before my Mum does, etc.

But I don't think I can just ignore the fact she has incurable cancer / pretend it isn't happening. Maybe that isn't what people are suggesting but I don't know how else to interpret it.

@UnBledPerdu if you want some generic advice about your mum's prognosis please PM me. I don't want to just go for it in the thread.

It's perfectly understandable that you'd want to know, but it would be unreasonable if you tried to force your mother to find out. You will just have to go along with her wishes and be supportive of her.

Sorry to hear about your Mum's cancer.

Ultimately it's your mum's decision. She may change her mind, she may not.

I can understand how this adds to your own upset.

Children can rarely remember much, long term, before the age of5 and so it may be that you start to create something like a memory box. This might be with your Mum or a solo creation.

Measuring life expectancy isn't a science. My MIL was given 'a couple of months' which she being deaf didn't hear clearly. She had 6 weeks and so not a bad guess. 4 and a bit of those she was OK ish and able to see people, say her goodbyes etc.

You could do some research and knowing sizes, grades, stages, places etc will help give you some sort of answer.

In a similar position with a family member. We are really struggling with it. Just radio silence, They have cancer that is stage 4. That's all they have said and we won't ask them. We can't do anything about it and nor will we ever say anything to them but Christ it's fucking hard.

Ps we are just acting as though they have months rather than years. That means appreciating the time seeing them and trying to see them more. It's all you can do really.

Sorry you're going through this too 💐

I think what you're doing - trying to see the person more often and appreciate your time with them - is what I'm going to do too. And then just see what happens and try to take things as they come.

Not my style at all - I'm an anxious person who goes into mad researching and planning mode in any stressful situation - but I'll just have to try my best.

Yes, I agree with a previous poster: Dr Google will give you a rough idea.

I am being treated for cancer. There is 'no convincing evidence of disease' at present, which is good of course, but I am at high risk of recurrence. I have asked for a prognosis, but my oncologist has not been able to give me one because my cancer does not fit the model they use for this.

So, even if your mother wanted a prognosis it doesn't mean she would get one or, if she did get one, that it would be anywhere near accurate.

I quite understand why you want to know, but I think your mum probably just wants to be treated 'normally' at the moment rather than as if every day could be her last. I know it's difficult, but try to do that if you can.