To be so upset

[Happymumma87]

I feel I’m really struggling to be a parent atm…my daughter has lots of traits of possible ASD and we are currently waiting assessment

the last couple of weeks have been hard…she went through a faze over Christmas where she was playing with her poo…and she has gone back to wetting the bed at night most nights. Her mood has been up and down and I’m trying my upmost to be patient and give her as much love as I can but it’s hard….and it’s taking its toll on me, her big sister and mine and my partner’s relationship.

the other night she came home from school exhausted and had a total meltdown…so bad she didn’t even manage tea and ended up falling asleep at 6pm…however it continued in to this morning and we had to walk on egg shells not to cause another meltdown before school….today when I picked her up the teacher pulled me aside to tell me that some girls had been calling her names and she had reacted by biting the girl! I feel in two minds about this as although she should not bite I can’t help but worry about how the girl was making her feel…apparently provoking her, shouting and calling names before this happened. I’m always so worried she feels unhappy! I know the mum is going to be extremely judgmental of me and my daughter and I’m dreading the school run and gossipy mums in the morning….I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to….my partner also has adhd and my mum is useless! I dunno who to do

Do you know whereabouts you are on the waitlist for an ASD assessment? It might be worth ringing to check- you can request to be moved to the 'Right to Choose' service. This will cut the wait time to 5.5 months, rather than the years it can be to get to the top of the general wait list. It's still an NHS service, so completely free, and Right to choose ADHD & autism assessments | Clinical Partners explains how to go about it well. It's really tough, speeding up the diagnosis might help a bit in getting her support from school etc.

No advice just support. 💐

I'm so sorry, OP.

I assume that school know that DD is on an assessment pathway? If at all possible, you need the school on your side. That probably means that you need to make them feel that you're taking DD's behaviour seriously, and doing your best to help her react more appropriately. Of course, that may actually be very hard or even impossible, but it's important that school see you as someone who is willing to work with them, and isn't trying to "make excuses".

I would then be asking the school what they're doing about the girls who are bullying DD. Be as calm and polite as possible, but keep asking what their bullying policy is and how it's being applied to these children. The school needs to know that DD's behaviour is reactive, and that these other children must be managed as well. It isn't just about DD, because her behaviour is a reaction to bullying.

If the school understand DD's difficulties, maybe they can keep a closer eye on her and protect her a bit better from being bullied. ND kids are often easy targets, and can't necessarily react to bullying in an age-appropriate way. Their meltdown are entertaining to the other children, which just reinforces the bullying. The school needs to be on top of that and deal with it efficiently.

Wishing you all the best. I hope things settle down a bit and that you get the support you need. 💐

No, of course your daughter shouldn't bite. We have to say that.

But also, she was being bullied. I would not judge your daughter for biting. I would also not ever explicitly say the bully deserved to be bitten, but also would not want to say she did not deserve it. Ahem.

No advice, just sending well wishes OP.

It doesn’t matter that your partner has ADHD he needs to step up. If there are certain things he said he can’t handle get him doing other things.

Whilst you’re focusing on your daughter he can be getting breakfast ready, packing lunch boxes, doing the washing up.

If he finds it hard to complete tasks without proper instructions or directions have a whiteboard tick list for morning/evening routines that he can look at and tick off if you’re occupied with your daughter.

Does your daughter want to go to school? Have you considered home education? It might give her the time and space needed to calm down and may improve her behaviour generally.

Home old is your daughter @Happymumma87?