How do you answer questions about your family when you’re estranged?

[SnugShaker]

If you’re dating someone and getting to know them, it’s pretty common for them to ask questions like ‘What is your family like?’ or ‘What’s your relationship with your family like?’

But what do you say if you’re estranged and no contact? It can feel awkward to explain, especially early on when you’re still figuring out how much to share. Do you keep it vague, be honest, or change the subject entirely?

How do I navigate these conversations? What’s the best way to handle it without making things awkward for either of us?

Maybe people will disagree but I would not tell them. Not the same but I don't speak to my family I don't date but if I'm ever asked by other people I just be vague but don't let them know (like it or not people will judge you)

' I don't have anything to do with my family - I'm sure I'll tell you one day but I won't bore you with it now'

I keep it light (don’t go into the abuse) and focus on the positive relationships.
“I’m not in contact with my parents but I’m very close to my siblings and cousins.” And if I want to expend I might add “We’re from a very dysfunctional family and we have all tried to move on and do better.”

I don't see them..
Direct and stern (ish!).. No scope for discussion...
I don't see my dps.. Dh doesn't see his.. Life is very peaceful..

Sad but true.

I’ve not had the experience of dating since going NC (happily married to Dh), but when people ask, they either get the short version (‘I’m not close to my family and we don’t see each other’) or the long version (‘my mum is married to a paedophile and I am NC with them all to keep my dc safe’). Totally depends on the context and you have to read the room.

With dating, it’s about making a good impression so you don’t want to spend the whole time whinging about your family. I would probably give the short version with some elaboration and then change the subject in the very early days. Or make a bit of a joke that my family is a bit of a depressing topic for a fun night out, let’s talk about whatever instead. Once things got more serious though I’d be quite open about it.

Following as I'm in the same boat

I feel like I'd be hesitant to tell a man because once people hear that, they think they can take the piss 🥺

I’m long term married so not on the dating scene but if it comes up with a new acquaintance, I say we’re not close and I don’t have much to do with them. I’m actually NC with parents. Then I’ll try to move the conversation elsewhere. If they ask why, I say it’s complicated and far too long to go into. Obviously as I get to know & trust someone better, I might choose to open up a bit more, but it’s not something I really want to discuss, I just want to move forward with my life and it’s nobody’s business except mine.

I pin it all on my mum by saying something like, she has mental health problems and struggled with motherhood and finds my existence very triggering so for her stability too, I stay at a distance. 😇

I don't volunteer anything though. I went on a date the other day and he said that he never heard me mention my mum and wondered if she was dead. I just said, no. She's alive.

He wasn't rude enough to ask any further but if he had been I would have proceeded to trot out the above.

I would word my own situation something like this:
"I was both lucky and unlucky with my family. I was lucky to have kind, loving grandparents and 2 wonderful, supportive uncles. They've all passed over to the other side.
I was unlucky in that my immediate family are highly dysfunctional and toxic. Despite all of my best efforts, I eventually had to accept that they were never going to change and I was never going to fit into this type of dynamic which is completely alien to me.
It was not an easy decision to make by any means, but in the interests of my sanity I decided I had no choice but to cut all contact with them.

But as I said before, I was so lucky to have my grandparents and uncles because they had such a positive impact on my life."

Start with a positive, end with a positive and put the negative in the middle. This way, you will come across as a resilient person who doesn't want pity and will not tolerate poor treatment/abuse from others.

If you weren't lucky enough to have at least some decent family members, substitute whoever did treat you kindly: teachers, neighbours, a friend's parents etc.
I'd be mindful not to come across as vulnerable because there are men who will prey on this and use it to their advantage.

Good luck!

I would just say we're not close and don't see much of them really. Then move the conversation on. Obviously, if you get closer and feel more comfortable later on, you can add more details.

I start off by being vague and just saying I'm not very close to them, maybe expand on number of siblings/if parents are divorced or still together etc. if you feel you need to add more.

Then as you get to know them and feel comfortable, start giving a bit more context and build from there.

As much as you don't owe anybody an explanation it can seem a bit strange if you avoid the question completely. If the guy you were dating avoided questions about his family and always changed the subject people would, rightly or wrongly, be screaming red flag.

I do see my parents now and then but not my siblings. My response was (only just started dating) was to tell him why one sister was not in contact and otherwise to say we are not close like your family seems to be and move the conversation on. You don’t owe someone your life story.

I saw a good response on here once.

"Oh that is a loooong story!" Then don't tell it.

"My dad is not a nice person, so he isn't in my life".

I kept it simple and moved the conversation along until ready to delve deeper.
Most people don't ask any questions though, they feel awkward and accept that explanation.

Its hard, as I can see people being quite judgemental. If you don't talk to any of you family, then someone who doesn't know you well would question if it is a 'you' problem.
I'd be vague and breezy until you were serious. Then I'd tell the whole story over a bottle of wine when you're convinced they are 'the one.'

When I met DH I had decided I was going to cone across like I had my sh*t together. I was in debt but never let on. I was working an internship the summer before I met him (at ahem, 25!) as I changed careers and although I was full time by our first date I made out I had been long in the industry. When it came to family, I over egged it if anything, saying how close my siblings were and dropping mum into convo here and there. In reality mum is an alcoholic who has let me down throughout my life. I'd been more of a mum to her than her to me. She wasn't and still isn't a part of my life. I just never let on. Then 6 months in we were meeting each others family, I said, mum will be at lunch today but you must know that she is an alcoholic. I kept it under lock and key, over the weeks that followed I told him I rarely see her and it is better like that.

I think keeping it brief and just change the subject. The family member who has caused you pain has wasted enough time in your life already.
If your date is a good un’ you’ll have plenty of time to explain later.

Another one who isn’t dating but occasionally gets asked about family. I’m afraid I just say “I don’t have any close family left” which I know implies they are dead when they aren’t, but it does accurately reflect my feelings and no one ever queries me further.

With acquaintances or new potential friends, I’m vague. I just say thing like ‘it’s complicated’, ‘we can’t choose our families’, or distract to something else.
If I knew them better and felt closer to them and they asked, I would say the truth - they are narcissists, I’m the scapegoat, the family relationship broke down as a result.
Even some of my closest friends don’t know though - it doesn’t come up. I only talk about my own family unit and nobody directly asks about the wider family.

I'd be wart of sharing too much too quickly

A vague comment about not being close

'it's a long story' and then change the subject. That would be my approach (not dating - of course Dh knows). But it comes up, you'd be surprised how many people think you can be estranged from a sibling and therefore hate their innocent and uninvolved children. Obviously bloody not, the kids are not part of it.

People ask about DD15s father, she hasn't seen him since she was 2.

I just say, not been in the scene for a long time, it's a long story but he's irrelevant in terms of our lives.

Oh honey, that’s wild for you to think. If anyone in your life feels like that, please get rid immediately

I just said ‘I don’t have a relationship with him/them’. Conversation always moved on quickly.