That what I am doing re special occasions is normal?

[HeadUnicorn]

I just want to see if this is normal.

My siblings are all married and have DC, and one has DGC. We all get on, but we don’t invite each other over for Christmas, Easter etc. because they’ve all got their own largish families. My parents will always get an invite from at least one of us. We take it in turns to host parents.

In contrast, my DH’s family hardly speak to each other but when it comes to Christmas and Easter “family are important”. My PIL and my DH’s siblings expect to spend it with us, and guess what? That’ll be at MY house. So, I’m the one doing all the work, with DH putting in a tiny effort. They might offer once in a blue moon, and even then it’s obvious they don’t want to spend any money entertaining us.

So, last year and this year I’ve said, sorry but I’m happy to do either Christmas or Easter but I’m not doing both. This isn’t going down well. I’ve just organised Easter and I know we are going to get push back over it. My DHs siblings don’t have DC and I think they like to be included in wider family gatherings around special days which I get, but it’s at my expense and my enjoyment as I don’t get to sit and enjoy the day with my family.

I want to say to them “sorry, but you’ve got to understand that we have our own family, and sometimes we just want it to be us, so we aren’t doing every major holiday with you” but obviously this is mean so I’m not going to say it. I do however need a better way of saying this rather than making excuses.

So, AIBU to say that at 50+ I shouldn’t have to be pussyfooting around my DHs family for fear of offending over hosting on special occasions because I have my own family and I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Of course PIL have an open invitation, as do mine, but grown siblings and their partners should sort themselves out and take it in turns to host PIL?

If you’re hosting Easter I’d make a point of saying something like “who’s hosting Christmas” and leave it at that. Don’t do anything else and if you don’t have an invite anywhere you can choose to do whatever you like.

It's completely unreasonable to expect you to always host.

They could hire a room at a pub and everyone pays their own for gods sake.

Just say you’re spending Christmas with your family (you have months to change your plans)

That’s the thing though. I don’t want to spend it with them. What I want is for my DH’s siblings to host their own parents, and for us to have our turn, not spend every holiday with them or come up with scenarios where we aren’t free just to get out of it.

I know I can’t influence how they spend the main holidays, but I don’t want to spend it with them, either me hosting or them hosting. I’ll do my turn of course but I hate having to negotiate out of these every year.

Why is it your job to navigate this? It's your husband who should be sorting it.

So you're already organised Easter ( well done !) for how are they pushing back . Do you want to go to theirs for Xmas or are you planning to go to your family? Nobody can force you to shop , clean and cook for them especially if you intend to go elsewhere . But stay out of any discussion and let DH handle his own family . Have a plan between you as what to say to make sure they get the message and stand firm together.

OK, then just say you’re spending Christmas alone/just your family.

What are you scared of? Yes, they will huff and puff and whinge and whine, but so what?

I would be saying that you're going on holiday for Christmas so they'll have to make their own plans. Break the cycle that way. When it gets closer to the time you decided last minute not to go away but have a small family one instead and you wish his siblings a nice chiratmas with their parents...

I'd just say we are doing Christmas just us this year.

It’s not a negotiation. Just say “sorry that won’t work for us this year” and leave it at that.