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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in a relationship with a man 14 years younger?

42 replies

shoplifteroftheworld · 05/02/2025 18:32

I’m 47 in July. He turned 33 in December. I’m still married but haven’t seen my abusive ex in nearly four years. We would have been married 20 years this August. But it was a horrible relationship and I’m still feeling the ramifications of it.

I met my current partner last April. I always swore I wouldn’t be with someone even 2 or 3 years younger than me, so I’ve surprised myself in falling for someone almost 14 years younger. We both have issues that we deal with and it’s not always easy but I really love him and have never had this depth of feeling for anyone else.

Is anyone here in a relationship with a much younger person? Have you experienced any problems when you get further down the line? I know my partner is incredibly loyal. In many ways he seems much older than me. I’d hate to think our relationship won’t last.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 05/02/2025 23:48

BatchCookBabe · 05/02/2025 23:38

You sound very angry and bothered @Crushed23 Have you got a big age gap with your partner perchance? 😆

Did I hit a raw nerve.............? 😬

😂

Haha I wish! I would love to find a much younger man 👀

veraswaistcoat · 05/02/2025 23:53

Beebsta · 05/02/2025 19:11

A 47 year old man would not be questioning a relationship with a 33 year old woman. So why should you?

Because she has more sense 😂

MoosakaWithFries · 05/02/2025 23:53

Go online and apply for a Clare's Law OP.

Rachmorr57 · 05/02/2025 23:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Liveafr · 06/02/2025 06:22

My husband is 11 years younger than me (29 and I'm 40). We've been together for 5 years and I've never been happier.

Original poster
shoplifteroftheworld · 08/02/2025 19:39

Catza · 05/02/2025 20:35

Shit... this is going to sound utterly horrible and presumptuous of me.. forgive me but French Legion in Mali triggered an awful thought - I sincerely hope that this is not a romance scam. Did you meet him online? Did he move to the UK to be with you? Are you financing him in any way?
If not, then all good. Carry on. If yes, please stop and think.

Show quote history

No didn’t meet him online. We met through a recovery group. He’s from Ireland.

OP posts:
Moondropmum · 07/05/2025 09:32

shoplifteroftheworld · 05/02/2025 20:20

Thank you for all your kind replies. He and I both already have two sons each from previous relationships and neither of us wants any more. We were both with abusive ex’s. Our issues I guess are some trauma. His from childhood abuse and fighting for the French Foreign Legion in Mali. Mine are from being with my ex for 22 years and the abuse he dished out.

My younger man is a huge animal lover like me, and we would love to open a sanctuary in the future. I’m currently writing a book which I would love to have published. We both are looking for peace and tranquility. I know that whatever happens, he will always be in my life. I’ve never loved anyone as deeply as I love him. If he did meet someone else, closer in age to him, and who I knew would be good to him, I would let him go and happily stay in touch. I’m perhaps getting more soppy and sentimental as I age, but I just want him to be happy and for him to have everything he needs and wants.

Sounds like you're perfect for each other. Large age gaps can work. My husband is 25 this year and I'll be 36 a few months before his birthday, when we first met I was told he was older than he is, and then when I found out the truth I thought it would be a fling and didn't see it going anywhere as I assumed we'd be in completely different stages of our lives but he's more mature than a lot of the men I've dated and treats me a million times better. When you're both on the same wavelength and are really into each other I don't think age matters all that much (as long as both party's are consenting adults). My partner and I have now been together almost 4 years and are married with a 7 month old and couldn't be happier.
I'd say go for it, don't let the opportunity of something great pass you by.

NineteenSeventyNine · 07/05/2025 09:54

I personally wouldn’t consider an age gap this big (in either direction), but wouldn’t judge anyone who did. I do think people can be easily seduced by the idea that someone much younger finds them attractive, and that can make them overlook things (eg whether they’re only with you for money/assets/citizenship/connections). But as long as you’re sure of his motives, crack on OP!

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 10:03

OP can you verify that the French Foreign Legion bit is true, because it does sound like something a romance scammer would make up. If you can, that’s fine. The age gap is not a problem if you are comfortable with it.

Psychoticbreak · 07/05/2025 10:37

Not sure about the agegap but he must have been very very young to have gone as an Irish lad to be a legionaire. Have you done a check on him to see if he is using his real name again or still using his legion identity?

SharpLily · 07/05/2025 10:46

My husband is 12 years younger than me. I'm young for my age and he's an old soul, he always was. For us it 100% works.

I'd argue it's more about the personalities than the ages. No-one bats an eyelis about a man being 12 years old than a woman in a relationship and I believe the main reason for this is the age for having children. If a younger man wants children and the older woman can no longer do that then the age gap becomes a problem, in a way it doesn't when it's the (still procreatively viable) man who is older. Given that in this case he seems sure that's not an issue then there shouldn't be any other problem when everything else works well. The issues you report can be a problem in any age group.

BillytheMountain · 08/05/2025 13:15

fromthegecko · 05/02/2025 18:53

Irrelevant if you have shared objectives, and accept the slightly increased chance of long widowhood. A contemporary of mine met his wife when he was twenty-five and she was fifty. He's widowed now, but they had nearly fifty years together, and he's just met someone new.

Just to check, your friend was 25 and their partner 50 when they got together, 50 years relationship ending when his partner was 100?

fromthegecko · 08/05/2025 13:19

BillytheMountain · 08/05/2025 13:15

Just to check, your friend was 25 and their partner 50 when they got together, 50 years relationship ending when his partner was 100?

Show quote history

That is correct. She died in her nineties, of dementia.

KimberleyClark · 08/05/2025 13:46

Psychoticbreak · 07/05/2025 10:37

Not sure about the agegap but he must have been very very young to have gone as an Irish lad to be a legionaire. Have you done a check on him to see if he is using his real name again or still using his legion identity?

You can join the FFL at 17.

Arancia · 08/05/2025 13:51

I think it's great to see older women with younger men. Men go for younger women all the time, so why shouldn't women be able to be with younger men?

With that said, relationships with large age gaps are not for me at all. I think 5 years younger or 3 years older is acceptable. For me.

YankSplaining · 08/05/2025 13:55

This sounds perfectly normal. You’re two grown adults who are even in similar situations as divorced parents.

hattie43 · 08/05/2025 13:57

As long as both parties go in eyes open then go for it . People make a big deal out of age gap relationships but people the same age split up .

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