How to go about ending a marriage

[LittleMonsterWrangler]

I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for a while (35yo, married 8 years, 2 kids 10M and 6M) no major dramas or issues, but we no longer communicate and are more like housemates than a partnership. I just feel like we’ve run our course. We’ve both always been terrible at talking about our feelings, and I don’t think he’s got any idea that I want to end it. I’m worried that trying to start a conversation out of the blue could go wrong, so I’m wondering if it would be best to set it all out in a letter, so that I can explain myself properly, he can read it and digest it before we try and talk- is this a sensible idea or do I need to woman up and just start a conversation?

YABU- just talk to him
YANBU- a letter will help you articulate your feelings and give him time to digest it

What do you think "go wrong" might look like?
Unless you think there may be something unsafe about you bringing it up, I would personally prefer a face to face conversation. It's uncomfortable, I've done it myself. But it is better than writing a letter.
I did once date someone who insisted I red a letter instead of talking to me which was infuriating, really, and made situation 100 times worth. And he wasn't even breaking up with me. My ex had a letter form his wife and he wasn't much impressed with that either.

I would arrange a time when you can talk without interruption and say you want a divorce. Answer any questions he has then organise another time to discuss specifics.

No worries in terms of safety, by ‘going wrong’ I mean not explaining myself well, or not getting my points across

When I did it, i jotted down some notes so i could get all my points across- not to give him to read, but to keep me focused.

We’d been talking about a lot of it for a while though and nothing had changed, so it wasn’t out of the blue for him. If he really has no idea this is coming then I think you owe him a face to face conversation in the first instance.

Divorce is an expensive, stressful nightmare (although I dont regret mine).

Have you considered relationship counselling first?

I’m not sure much will be gained from you ‘getting all your points across’ if you’ve decided to end it. Unless you want to raise them in order for things to improve.

If you want to end it, a calm (and short) conversation just needs to be that sadly you feel things have run their course, no blame on either side, and you want a divorce.

The rest is details - selling the house and splitting the money/one buying the other out; child maintenance payments; and co-parenting arrangements.

The route to finalise these then depends on how amicable the conversation on these points goes. But you can start the divorce process yourself online.

If there hasn't been an open dialogue about the issues for a long time, I think a letter - as a precursor to a face to face conversation - can be helpful. It gives the other person a bit of advance notice that the discussion is needed, and a bit of time to process the issues you want to discuss and decide what they want to bring to the table. If communication has been difficult, I think a letter first is better than just ambushing the other person, and expecting them to hit the ground running when you've had ages to think about what you want to say.

Speaking as someone going through a horrific divorce, I just wonder if it's worth trying couples counselling or even individual counselling before diving into divorce, just to see if you could restart the communication you want or get to the bottom of what's making you unhappy and whether it could be fixed? There are lots of resources online too for relationships.
Because divorcing and co-parenting will in themselves necessitate many many difficult conversations, and it's so sad (for me anyway) spending half the time away from kids- I never wanted that but it's been imposed. My divorce is becoming the most horrific waste of time and money I could possibly imagine and I can feel the stress taking years off my life every day it goes on. I'm sure they're not all this bad as some exes are reasonable but it can really bring out the worst in people.
Sorry for such a miserable post but i guess I'm trying to be positive or hopeful in a way just to check if there are buried embers that could be fanned? If you took the five figure cost of a bad divorce and put some of that towards making things better, could it work? Sorry if this is inappropriate and like I'm not listening, I'm a bit full of my own rubbish at the moment.

Is he a good man? A good father? If so I'd fight tooth and nail to keep the family together. Speak to him, find some common ground and make things better for each other. Divorce is expensive, painful and damaging to children.