DS going to school smelling of cigarettes

[anarlia]

DS is in year 1 at school.

ExDP smokes in the house. He denies it, but I know he does. Weed and cigarettes.

DS regularly goes to school and/or comes home to me from his dad's smelling of cigarettes. There's been a few occasions where either DS or his things have smelled like weed.

He always says "oh sorry, his clothes must've been next to a pair of my shoes that smell of it"

"Oh sorry, my friend has been lighting incense. I'll get him to use candles instead"

He's just dropped off some uniform that he's had at his, and they stink of cigarettes! To the point where I'm sending DS in without a school jumper, I'll drop one off once it's washed.

AIBU? I'm at a total loss.

How do you come to the conclusion that her ds has one jumper? Maybe he has 3 and all 3 were with dad. Maybe she put 2 in the wash at hers thinking he can use the one he wore yesterday but now can't.

1-2 nights per week

No, we have multiple school jumpers. My washing machine is broken, I've been using my mum and dad's while I wait for the repair this week, but they are away and forgot to leave me a key, so most of his uniform is there.

I don't think he's smoking weed around DS, I think he's smoking when he isn't there and therefore the house stinks of it.

How old is your DS? He is going to get bullied and excluded if this continues. Can you pick him up with clean smelling clothes and take him to school?

He is 6.

I can't, as I usually start work at 7am.

It's a grim situation. Could you possibly leave a clean school jumper/ uniform in his drawer at school? You can email the teacher / staff. That way he can get changed and put the smelly stuff in a bag.

His excuse is bizarre. Why the hell would a pair of shoes reek of combusted tobacco or cannabis?! He could've said ' it must be my clothes and I do smoke outside, though I'm trying to quit ..'
At least that would seem semi believable.
You have to tell him that other kids and parents/teachers are noticing the smell. It's hard as I guess you can't force him not to smoke.

School know, just be truthful with them and look for a solution together. I've had students come in high of their parents smoking weed around them.

You can't do much about it apart from mention it to school and ask that you keep a spare uniform at school for DS to change into BUT that's awkward in itself as they'd have to explain to DS why he was being asked to change.

Weed smell does get everywhere.

I picked up a neighbour's grand daughter a while ago and her coat stunk.

I know the gran only smokes after the children are in bed but their coats are hung down stairs.

Does your DS have his own room at his dad's? Maybe keeping everything in there and your ex not smoking in the bedroom would improve things.

The school will be aware. I would ask to keep a jumper at school and get him to change unto it once there, say keep 3 on his peg or the teacher might be kind and store them for you.

Yes this.

You won't get your ex to change his behaviour.

And teachers will have noticed the smell. They always do.

Ask school for support. I'm sure they'd help on a health and safety viewpoint.

Pretty rubbish.

He goes through the motions, but he's unreliable and selfish. He tells DS to 'shut up' a lot.

DS does like going there.

He does have his own room.

I've asked him to do this, but still the problem persists.

DS has brought stuffed animals home with him that have smelled of smoke, so the smell must be in his bedroom too.

Your poor DS never mind the smell but the irresponsibility of smoking around young lungs.

That's a bigger issue, does your DS have to go to his dad's? It's not safe for him.

I’d let the school know so they don’t have to wonder.

It’s odd the clothes reek of it - is it a stinky house? If he’s generally a good father I think I’d say the teacher has mentioned it and you are worried he will be bullied - so hopefully he’ll clean his house and air it better.

If you look after the uniform I’d send over a clean one for the next morning wrapped in plastic bag.

But it sounds like he needs to clean and air his house.

Oh I see - well in that case I think PP’s advice to keep a uniform at school and ask them to make sure he changes is the best plan.

It gets everywhere. My neighbour smokes weed outside but their house stinks of it. It clings to clothes and then fills the washing machine with it & the dryer. Their kids must stink of it too because when they smoke outside our house stinks of it too!
Clean uniform in school & talking to school is definitely a good idea. They can do it discreetly. But they will already be aware.

OP this is not a suitable environment for a DC and you know it. I know a lot of DC do grow up in homes with smokers, but it's a really unhealthy environment for your DC - he is breathing in second-hand smoke and pollution and it's harming his health. Staying with a verbally abusive parent is also really bad for him, for his development, his self-esteem and it will affect him and how he treats others as he grows up. DC learn how to behave from the adults they spend time with. Do you want him learning that telling people to 'shut up' is okay?

As for his clothes, other DC will avoid him if he smells and they will, at some point, start to tell him that he smells, if they don't already. It breaks my heart to type that, but it's true and kids are cruel. You ex isn't fit to have him to stay, he simply isn't. He's a selfish, unreliable and verbally abusive git. My DC wouldn't go anywhere near him.