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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partners ex

11 replies

kittie01 · 05/02/2025 07:43

Long time lurker but never really post. I’m with my partner for 3 years. Living together about 2 years. We get on great and think the same etc. I met him roughly 5 years after they broke up. he has 6 children with 2 different women. 3 adults no issues and then a 13, 10 and nearly 8 year old. The mother of the younger children is extremely controlling, won’t let him see the children unless she’s there, speaks in conversations fir the children, won’t him speak to the children if I’m there, will only answer a call if he’s in work but if he’s at home she won’t answer as I’m there. When he goes to see the children she dictates where they go ie a shopping centre, he has to walk around with her and the children, they have food together every week. He gives her €800 a month maintenance then takes them for food once a week, buys clothes toys etc too. In total he roughly gives her about €1200 a month out of his €2000 wages. We’re in Dublin. He obviously has his own bills to pay etc. He is guaranteed to see the children the week ge gets paid as that’s when he hands over the €800. This week she insisted she has no credit for her phone and can he buy it, he refused and said she can pay for it out of her €800. Today I found a screen shot that he deleted of credit for her phone. She’ll turn up with the children with a need to get something for them ie last week it was a school bag, week before that the child turned up with a ripped coat so he replaced that. If she doesn’t get her own way she won’t let him talk to the children or she’ll scream and pull her hair out, I’ve witnessed this. A few weeks ago he refused to take her and the children to the beach so she opened his van and pulled all the boxes etc out of the van. Another time he was dropping them home and one of the kids opened a book he has in the van and he’d written I love you kitty on it and she went mad. She didn’t inform him of the children making communion and confirmation stating the children don’t want to make it, they made the sacraments but she didn’t invite him.
She has notice to vacate her rented house in March also. We are starting the court process but the Irish courts are notoriously slow and not fair. While I love this man with all my heart I am so frustrated with this crap every week. Every week she dictates a time and place but wont say a time or place until the actual day she’ll allow him see the children. If you’re still reading thank you for your patience but what the hell do you do with someone like that? If I knew then what I know now I would never have gotten involved with him but Jesus this is impossible at times

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/02/2025 08:29

so if the youngest is 8, you’ve got about another 10 years of this. I’d leave him to it, life’s too short

loveawineloveacrisp · 05/02/2025 08:44

🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 05/02/2025 08:51

He won’t be motivated to properly sort it out while you are picking up the pieces, including financially.

He’s left with €800 a month? So you are paying more than your fair share of rent, bills, food?

Where was he living for €800 a month before moving in with you?

Endofyear · 05/02/2025 09:00

You can't do anything about her. She sounds unstable and controlling but he was the one who had a relationship and 3 children with her. Unfortunately, now he is the one who has to deal with her. Has he consulted a solicitor? Can he not expedite the court process because of her behaviour?

Ultimately this is going to be a difficult situation to navigate until the children are adults. If you are unable to deal with it, your only solution is to end the relationship.

SueblueNZ · 05/02/2025 09:04

Tooooo much drama. Why would you bother? Do you have dependent children? Do you need this in your life?
I'm perplexed.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2025 09:10

I can't imagine that any of this is pleasant for you. And it's your life for the next 12 years if you stay. Luckily you've got the option to leave. I'd do that.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2025 09:25

Getting involved with a man with six children by multiple women was never going to be an easy ride. Find somebody more straightforward and leave him to sort his own mess out. If he can’t formalise a sensible contact and financial arrangement for his children then that’s on him. Don’t let it waste your life and drain your finances as well.

kittie01 · 05/02/2025 10:15

Thanks so much for reply’s. He’s lived in this apartment since he split with his ex. I have a family home that my adult son lives in and I pay the mortgage etc on that as my son is in college. My partners flat is council and he gets it for €80 roughly a week. I buy shopping the odd time but he pays for rent, esb gas etc. he worries she’ll do something to the children and is afraid to rock the boat too hard with her. I’ve given him an ultimatum, either push back or I have no choice but to leave. I honestly don’t want to leave as I love him with all my heart and know he loves me but Jesus I want to shake him at the same time. Typing on my phone so excuse spelling mistakes etc

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 05/02/2025 10:20

What on earth? If he’s genuinely worried that his ex is capable of “doing something to the children” then he needs to apply for full residence of them for their own protection - not fanny about keeping her sweet with money.

KhakiShaker · 05/02/2025 10:21

@kittie01 I stopped reading about a quarter of the way through. This is so typical of a controlling mother. He needs a formal 50:50 arrangement. It can happen. The courts are mother biased but don’t let this stop you from trying.

kittie01 · 05/02/2025 15:21

We live in a one bedroom flat so can’t take the children over night. No prospect of moving as we’re in a housing crisis at the minute but are trying to get a transfer to a bigger place. . we’ve engaged a solicitor and he’s advised to present to court and get the forms and apply for a court date then he will jump onboard to help us. Thank you for your reply’s, much appreciated to have an outsiders input on it all

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