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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I inore or challenge aggressive behaviour?

10 replies

RidiculousRed · 04/02/2025 22:55

I have 2 children with my ex partner. Separated 3.5 years.

He brought the children home late when he last had them. He'd asked to bring them home at 8 and I said that was too late for a Sunday night (the youngest goes to bed at 8) and said it can be later than usual (they normally come home at 4) but 7 at the latest. Coming home late was so they could have dinner at his dad's house who lives about 40 minutes away so not a special occasion.

He brought them back at 7.45 and the youngest was fast asleep. I challenged him and he shouted at me and called me a c**t several times. He also threatened to beat up my dad and brother. This was said in front of his wife. I phoned the police and reported this.

He has now text and said he can't pick the children up this weekend and I will need to drop them off. No mention of the previous incident.

Do I just ignore it too?

AIBU to want some acknowledgement of what he has said?

Do I try and hold him to account for the way he spoke to me and the threats he made? How do I word it so I am not being confrontational? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 04/02/2025 23:01

Ignore him and don’t drop them off for him.
he is trying to keep hold of any control he feels he may have.
He sounds like an arsehole, my dd had a dad like that and eventually worked him out for herself and hasn’t seen him for years (her choice, his loss)

StormingNorman · 04/02/2025 23:02

I voted YABU because you’re wasting your time expecting any better from him. He’s an ex for a reason.

HappyMamma2023 · 04/02/2025 23:06

He doesn't deserve to see the kids this weekend.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 04/02/2025 23:08

Why are you worried about not being confrontational? He called you a c--t, shouted at you and threatened your family. Confrontation has been established already, so just ask him about it directly.

"You really crossed a line on Sunday. It was totally inappropriate for you to start screaming, shouting, calling me names and threatening Dad and Brother. You were scary to be honest - or was that your intention? Its one thing to say and do those things and another entirely to behave that way and say and do those things in front of the kids.

You really need to reflect on your actions and what side of you you want the kids to see. I don't want the kids exposed to that sort of rage or attitude again. It is unfair for all of us and frankly I'm shocked that you are now messaging for a favour without even acknowledging or apologising for your behaviour on Sunday night."

Original poster
RidiculousRed · 04/02/2025 23:25

rainbowlou · 04/02/2025 23:01

Ignore him and don’t drop them off for him.
he is trying to keep hold of any control he feels he may have.
He sounds like an arsehole, my dd had a dad like that and eventually worked him out for herself and hasn’t seen him for years (her choice, his loss)

He can be very controlling and manipulative.

I have tickets for a comedy show with friends so if I don't drop the kids off then I miss out on that. I don't go out with friends all that often so would hate to cancel because of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RidiculousRed · 04/02/2025 23:28

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 04/02/2025 23:08

Why are you worried about not being confrontational? He called you a c--t, shouted at you and threatened your family. Confrontation has been established already, so just ask him about it directly.

"You really crossed a line on Sunday. It was totally inappropriate for you to start screaming, shouting, calling me names and threatening Dad and Brother. You were scary to be honest - or was that your intention? Its one thing to say and do those things and another entirely to behave that way and say and do those things in front of the kids.

You really need to reflect on your actions and what side of you you want the kids to see. I don't want the kids exposed to that sort of rage or attitude again. It is unfair for all of us and frankly I'm shocked that you are now messaging for a favour without even acknowledging or apologising for your behaviour on Sunday night."

Thank you. That's worded really well.

I know he started the confrontation but I'm worried he will turn it back on me if I bring it up. But equally don't want to ignore it.

Feel like I look weak if I ignore it and he's got away with it. But look over emotional and feel like he would get pleasure from thinking it had upset me if I bring it up.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2025 23:35

I would find a babysitter by hook or by crook for this weekend.

It seems like he knows you have plans and it's deliberate.

Hufflemuff · 05/02/2025 03:41

Ignore him as if you didn't get the message and don't drop the kids off.

You've reported to the police already which is great - well done for having that courage. He doesn't need confronting or to be taught a lesson, he sounds too thick or nasty for any message to actually work on him.

I'd wait for the messages on the weekend asking where you are and I'd ignore them all day, then reply in the evening to say "you said you couldn't get the kids, i couldn't drop them off, so you didn't see your kids. I don't feel comfortable coming to your address after you threatened my brother and dad." Keep it factual and unemotional - think about everything as though it could one day be read out in a court of law!

Doingmybest12 · 05/02/2025 03:56

Sadly for the children it sounds like a third party needs to be involved with pick ups and drop offs if he can't contain his anger when he sees you ,(and he can't practically do the pick ups). I would talk to a solicitor about this.

lilytuckerpritchet · 05/02/2025 06:52

Love the message above as a response. I wouldn't do him any favours on principle.

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