Husband and pornography

[627g]

Is it a futile endeavour to be upset about your h/p looking at porn/women? Is the male gaze an inherent part of being a man?

It might be futile but, for me, my partner ogling another woman would be a deal breaker. Just as me ogling another man would be a deal breaker for him.

I used to hate it. I was so jealous and hated the idea of it. Then I became more confident in myself and understood that just because he looked at other women (and I looked at other men) didn’t mean we didn’t like each other! We sometimes watch it together and enjoy it.

what’s with the pic though? It’s weird.

It's not a big deal to me at all. Really doesn't bother me. It only would if DH became a porn addict, was looking at it for hours every week and it impacted our sex life.
However, I know that for many people it's a deal breaker.

I think people don't always know their partners, and then they find out and struggle to cope.

"men are visual creatures" my arse. They can't even tell the difference between the colour pink and the colour salmon half the time!

Men oogling, watching porn, or prioritising other women/his interest in other women isn't unavoidable.

It's just a lot of men get into relationships, and even marriages, with women they're not actually all that into. They want a partner for what they can do for them (attention, sex, cooking, cleaning, life admin, sometimes status etc) so settle on the first one who fits the bill, performs the right actions, and will have him. Because a man needs a woman to do that stuff for them, because he can't rely on mummy anymore (without embarrassing himself!).

But because he's not actually all that keen on the women he's paired up with sexually or romantically, he'll have a roving eye and roving actions. And these will take priority over you, because it's a need of his. And he will say its normal, and you'll convince yourself it's normal, because whilst you know and feel the truth, it's too painful to accept. He's just not that into you, I'm afraid

Could be avoided if men were a little more picky over who they agree to be in a relationship with, learn to live without a woman and so only go for the ones they're super into... But eh.

.

Yes, it’s futile because men are powerless to their dicks/visual creatures/it’s harmless/you are insecure/all men do it.

Or so the gaslighting goes that tries to get us women to bend our boundaries and accept this crap.

If it bothers you, set your boundaries clearly. Some women are ok with it, others are not. That’s fine.

Anyway, I’m sure the men that lurk on MN and only post on the posts of a sexual nature will come along shortly and mansplain it.

'Porn' and 'women' are two different things.

All human beings, male and female, will sometimes look at the body of another human being and be attracted to it. That's normal, for both men and women, and it would be absurd to expect people never to do that.

'Porn' is a very different thing and some people have views/concerns that make porn a dealbreaker for them. That's their choice. I think there are many women who confidently believe their partner doesn't look at porn and are sorely mistaken. But people are absolutely entitled to walk away from a relationship if they can't accept their partner using porn. I don't think it's a futile endeavour for someone to have that boundary if that's what matters to them.

Personally, I don't care if my partner looks at porn (I've no idea if he does or not these days, and I don't consider it my business, but I know he definitely used to years ago when we first got together). I also look at porn myself sometimes and I don't consider that my partner's business either. But that doesn't mean it would be a futile endeavour for either of us to ask the other not to do it.

Most men are full of weakness, but if it’s going to be that way they shan’t get annoyed when I involve myself with other men and use my ‘partner’ for his bank account 🤷‍♀️

I just give that energy back. To me though, that’s a low level man and I really don’t want it.

Yeah, this what I'm thinking, makes me doubt so much.

Wouldn’t want it for my relationship. It’s up to you what you think is acceptable.

@Agix
"But because he's not actually all that keen on the women he's paired up with sexually or romantically, he'll have a roving eye and roving actions."

Isn't the other side of this "because she doesn't fancy him"?

I think the reason (not justification) all depends on the context of the relationship. If sex is frequent, then it supports your 'roving eye' comment, but if it's sexless, it leans more towards being a sexual release.

It's really two different questions. Is porn ok? Is masturbation ok? It works for women too. If the relationship is sexless, is 'unaided' masturbation ok for her to partake in, and would it become unacceptable if it was looking at male-centred movie?

Is it at the detriment of your physical relationship?

Oggling women in real life is a different thing to a cheeky hand shandy.

If my partner enjoyed watching trafficked and vulnerable women performing often violent and degrading sex moves I couldn’t find him attractive.

We’re told men are weak and have sexual needs, in reality this is setting a tragically low bar that suits men because they get to carry on treating women like sub humans.

So yeah, it’s a massive deal breaker for me.