I’m feeling lost

[P10]

My wife and I are getting divorced, and I’m absolutely devastated. I love her deeply and she has always been at the center of my life. I’ve been loyal, caring, and supportive, and I would do anything for her. But our relationship has been an emotional whirlwind - one moment she pulls me close, the next she pushes me away. This cycle has left me feeling confused and manipulated.
We’ve been together for five years, married for 18 months. From the start, she knew my freelance work could be unpredictable, but over time, it became a constant source of criticism. I was open to change and even explored carpentry after she suggested it, only to be criticised again for not having my own ideas. I’ve often felt unheard and disrespected, and that she was unwilling to compromise.
I am not an abusive person. I was raised by strong women - my mother, sister, and grandmother - who taught me how to treat a partner with kindness and respect. Like my wife, I had a difficult childhood, shaped by my parent’s toxic divorce and an abusive father. I sought therapy to work through my past, and while I’m not perfect at all and have my downfalls, I believe I’ve gained emotional awareness.
My wife and I share similar histories, but she now insists we have no common ground. She claims our relationship is toxic because of fundamental differences, while I believe every couple has differences - the key is how they navigate them. She describes our bad times as awful and our good times as just “okay”yet we still chose to marry. We’ve had moments of genuine happiness together, and we share values and interests. When I point this out, she dismisses it as “just not liking Trump”, which feels deeply hurtful and disingenuous.
Looking back, I realise we lacked the right tools to work through our conflicts. I have always suspect that much of our struggles stems from past trauma rather than who we are as individuals or as a couple. And that instilled the belief that with the right compromises, commitments and trust in each other, that we could overcome our issues. But at this point, resentment and anger have taken over, making communication nearly impossible. That breaks my heart.
I love this woman with all my being, and I would do anything to make it work. But am I seeing things clearly, or am I holding onto something that isn’t meant to be?

p.s majority of my friends are males and it’s terrible trying to talk to them about issues like this.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it sounds horrible. From what you have said, it also sounds like, although you love her, this is not a good relationship. If she is open to getting counselling together, maybe you two could work through this. If not, honestly, loving someone is not supposed to be this hard: partners are meant to enhance your life, not make it more difficult. I know you love her, but maybe this relationship is not meant to be.

I'm sorry she treated you that way. You sound a lot like my husband and I have grown and he hasn't much and I feel emotionally unsupported and I have told him that ( we have a lot of stress parenting ) but I wouldn't treat him like that. Truth is she doesn't love you back. Hence the divorce. It's sad , I know , I come from divorced parents where my mum cheated and left my dad and my dad never got over her splitting the family up .

You are better moving on now.

Thanks for your reply.
The confusing factor for me is that I would never tell someone that I love them, marry, make plans for the future, involve our kids (we both have kids from previous) if I had doubts.
the separation was ascertained 3 weeks ago. Literally the week before we were proclaiming our love to each other and she was talking to me about us buying a property to move out of rental and making other plans for in a year’s time.
Again these are topics which I would’ve never engaged in with someone that I have doubts about or even feeling that I’m falling out of love with.

I risk sounding harsh but I think you should let her go and move on with your life. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like there is anything that can be rescued here: despite the fact that you love her, she doesn't seem to make you happy. In a good relationship that is worth rescuing, there are conflicts and there are ups and downs but I have never heard of a good relationship where either one or both people are pretty much constantly unhappy or unhappy most of the time.

Our past and our childhood do play a role in who we are and how we behave but to be honest most people don't really come from perfect families, and even the best psychologists still struggle to define what normal really means, let alone defining perfection. There comes a point when adults start taking responsibility for their own lives and if either one or both in any couple can't move on from their childhood traumas, it doesn't really make things easier to work out as we all have adult issues to deal with too, which only pile up once we start having kids and adult responsibilities.

It is better for both of you to move on before you spend a lifetime in an unhappy relationship and then look back at your life with nothing but sadness and regret. Short term pain for long term gain, so to speak.

I wish you all the best in your future and hope you find the love you deserve.

Stay strong.

I have always suspect that much of our struggles stems from past trauma rather than who we are as individuals or as a couple.

There is another way to look at it. There is a possibility that your connection as a couple was through shared past trauma rather than who you were as people. You worked through your trauma and have become a person she no longer finds familiar and comfortable.
Walk away, spend time apart. I promise you that you will see things clearly in a month or so and may find this isn't quite as life-altering as it currently seems.

Thank you and I absolutely agree and recognised. But the constant flip flopping confused the heck out of me and spun me into cycle of hope and despair.
Im not someone that gives up on things until a course and process has been properly run and explored.
I don’t commit to anything half hearted.
Unfortunately and more importantly both our own kids have invested into us as a unit. This saddens me a lot as I have a wonderful friendship with my wife’s son (12) and my daughter (13) 2 weeks ago expressed how happy she was, as per own words, she’s “got a 2nd family which she cherishes.”
Im currently en route to tell her and I have a massive twist in my gut.

Understood. However, a relationship is a reciprocal arrangement. You have your way of doing things but you cannot expect your partner to commit to the same approach. You cannot explore strategies unilaterally and, sometimes, another person is simply not interested. You have to accept that no means no. She doesn't want to explore anything. She is done. Respect that.

Thanks for you reply.
I understand exactly what you’re saying.
however, I just point out that we had some good moments where we made each other happy sandwiched in between the bad eps.
Whenever we’d get over a bad moment and we settled, I would bring up some points with a view to being open and addressing the issues brought. The answer was always “oh no I don’t think of you like that” and “I was upset at the time but it’s fine now”.

but yes you’re right, this isn’t healthy for anybody and it’s time to move on.

Thanks for taking the time

Yes absolutely and I am respecting her choices.

just feel that I deserved some clarity for at least to achieve some closure

I totally agree. We tend to attract and connect with people who have a form of connection to our past.

I must state that my therapy was a while longer before I met her. As was hers.
So I didn’t go through the fundamental growth/change during our relationship.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. You've clearly done your best to try to make it work, and frankly your wife sounds quite difficult, but neither of you is happy in this relationship and the right thing to do is to end it. Your wife isn't going to change and you aren't going to make her feel any differently from the way she feels. And I think you could certainly be happier with someone better suited to you and who is much better for your self-esteem.

I'm so sorry that you're going through a break up OP, but sadly very few people are 100% honest about their feelings. It sounds to me like your wife hasn't been happy deep down for a while, but perhaps having only married 18 months ago, felt that she had to keep trying with the relationship, hence making plans only recently, but then, when she thought about it further, she realised that ultimately the plans you together made wouldn't make her happy either. It's always so very hard when a relationship breaks down, and particularly when kids are involved too, albeit she wasn't actually your own child's mother. However, at the end of the day, it's clear now that she no longer feels the same way, and you need to let her go and move on with your own life. My advice would be the same as I would give if you were a woman on here, give yourself time to grieve for what you thought life was going to be, and be kind to yourself, get out there and do some new things, things that she wouldn't have wanted to do with you, maybe take up a new hobby, and make sure you get plenty of fresh air and exercise to help you sleep at night.

We’ve had moments of genuine happiness together, and we share values and interests. When I point this out, she dismisses it as “just not liking Trump”, which feels deeply hurtful and disingenuous.

I don't think I understood this bit

Sorry, I needed to elaborate the sentiment.
so we both have identical political views and we would talk/text throughout the day about his most recent actions.

from what I can understand she’s belittling our multiple shared values to just one.

yes you’re absolutely right and those are the course of actions I’m going to take.
I came in here feeling confused and lost. All you guys have been really helpful. Thank you!

I wish blokes could be more emotionally intelligent. Never have I spoken to a guy and received such concise feedback which makes sense and has a purpose. Thanks again!

Hello OP
No, you are definitely not being unreasonable.
It does sound like things have been very difficult for both of you, and I’m sorry that you’ve had to live this way.
Hmmm….She does sound difficult…May I ask how old your wife is?
The reason I ask is peri/menopause etc.
Its certainly not fair when she doesn’t agree on any of your shared values.
My husband and I do have differing values, but we let each other live. We give each other the space to have differing values.We both agree on how we nurtured our children; There is never enough money, but we work at these things. Daily.
We did have words last week about a certain orange faced US politician 😂.
I am going against the grain here. I do not think you need to divorce. This marriage can be saved. Absolutely.
There’s trauma and pain on both sides. I can see that.
My husband and I have been together 29 years. We’ve had some heartbreaking moments. Some bad months. Stresses from other family behaviours and actions.
It’s commendable how you think about your wife, and children. And you’ve communicated very clearly.
Wishing you the best of luck in the future.

@Catza
*
Understood. However, a relationship is a reciprocal arrangement. You have your way of doing things but you cannot expect your partner to commit to the same approach. You cannot explore strategies unilaterally and, sometimes, another person is simply not interested. You have to accept that no means no. She doesn't want to explore anything. She is done. Respect that.*

Unnecessarily harsh!!!!

Hello!

We’re both 50, and I do believe she’s in perimenopause.

It’s interesting that you think the marriage can be saved. To be completely honest, I believe it’s possible - but only through couples therapy. That’s the only way now I feel I could fully trust her again. Without that, I don’t see the point, since trust is essential in any relationship.

I’ve tried suggesting couples therapy without putting too much pressure on her, but she hasn’t acknowledged the idea at all.

Aside from wanting to separate...the biggest issue of all is that I don’t feel she’s being honest with her reasons. I’ve tried to buy into it but my gut feeling just keeps telling that it’s not what she is saying.
I am open to understanding that my gut feeling could be being lead by my emotions at this point but…don’t know. Something is niggling

Sorry you are going through this OP.

You've had some great advice here, the only thing I would add is you need to take some time out for yourself on this. Your posts are all about your wife, you are speaking like you are a sidekick not a main character and you are being buffeted about by all the things that are going on around you. It's understandable you are in saving the relationship mode right now.

Trouble is both of you need to be on board with that and you don't sound like you are both wanting to save this relationship, only one of you does.

So take some time, think about what you want for yourself and your DC in a few months, few years time. If it's the same situation you are in now, you're certifiably bonkers but that's your choice. I do think though you might need to accept that this is the end of the road and thinking about life going forward from this point, a future without your wife might not look all too bad as it seems right now.

“From the start, she knew my freelance work could be unpredictable, but over time, it became a constant source of criticism.”

OP I think this sentence was interesting. Is there something around financial stability as a couple that has been adding pressure and stress to the relationship? Money worries can contribute heavily to relationships breaking down, unfortunately.

i’m sorry you are going through a hard time.

It's not harsh, it's direct and honest and based on my recent experience of a similar breakup. I can hope and strategies and agonise over whether I think the reasons for the breakup are valid. Or I can simply accept what the other person is telling me. I chose acceptance and I am on the other side of it now and it feels better.
I recognise how OP is feeling because I felt it. I got through it because a very direct person on here told me almost exactly what I said to the OP without sugarcoating it or raising my hopes.

it’s not about financial stability as such.
shes a teacher (head of dept) and earns above national average. Whereas I earn a very good pro rata and on a yearly basis I make a fairly decent living.
the issue with her, is that my job is sometimes weeks/months of constant work and then sometimes an equal downtime.
When she first brought up the issue about downtime, I took it onboard with full understanding and every time I have a reasonable amount of downtime, I do some adhoc work.

both of us have worked since we were 13 years old.
We have never lived off somebody else and we’re totally independent minded people.

I have tried to do the 9-5 job market but it’s isn’t for me. She knew this right from the start of our relationship.

I have never relied financially on her, where she has relied on me. Which is absolutely fine and personally, there was a sense of pride and happiness in being able to help and be supportive to my partner.

additionally outside of that, I have 2 other projects which are receiving quite a lot of attention. Something which she tends to be very dismissive about and is convinced it’ll never happen.
which makes me feel devalued and unsupported.

Im a total straight talker and prefer harsh blunt reality rather than sugarcoating.
but im also not someone who is a quitter.
and as much as i appreciate your point and your honesty, she has agreed to do 1 session of therapy. It might just be for my benefit only but there’s a thin sliver of hope that it might reveal a crack of light, where she might open up to do a few more sessions.
we should’ve done this a long time ago as it’s pretty clear that neither of us have the right tools to overcome conflict and we’ve created very dark patterns with each other.

I’m pragmatic and open to it going either way but I’ve got to fight for what I feel and believe.
With full respect for her.