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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep this money a secret?

25 replies

Middleagedemptynester · 04/02/2025 10:50

I spent a big chunk of my life as a SAHM and consequently have no pension ( aside from state) and no accrued wealth. Early 50s and finally realising this is not great for the future! On second happy marriage. Husband has reasonably successful business and a pension. But is more of a spender than a saver and not brilliant with money. I’m currently in full time education surviving frugally on student finance trying to better my prospects. We split finances rough 70/30 at the moment as his income is much greater than mine. However I contribute far more in that I run household pretty much unaided.

I’m about to come into some unexpected money - about £25k. AIBU to keep this completely secret and invest it for my retirement? (Thinking a stocks and shares Isa and premium bonds) I tell my husband everything and don’t like keeping secrets but I’m concerned it could generate bad feeling if I don’t share and take us on holiday or get us a new kitchen or spend it on a myriad of other things or increase my contribution to the day to day expenses. I want to have a safety net and I’ve never had savings before.

short version - feel uncomfortable keeping secrets but want to have independent financial security. WWYD?

OP posts:
FartyAnimal · 04/02/2025 10:52

I would tell him about it and what you are going to do with it.

UpUpUpU · 04/02/2025 10:57

I would tell him and that you I tend to invest it for retirement. Of he is a good husband he will be happy for you

HoskinsChoice · 04/02/2025 11:06

Would you be happy for your husband to keep such a huge secret from you?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/02/2025 11:37

Do it! Especially given that your dh is a ‘spender’.

I wouldn’t do it, because all money from whatever source has always been ‘ours’ and my dh has always been sensible with money. But in your circs, I certainly would.

howsoonis · 04/02/2025 11:43

It's not saving the money that's an issue - it's keeping it a secret. Can't you just tell him and put it into an ISA - or even better a pension - then it's not accessible

Rictasmorticia · 04/02/2025 11:43

Put it into savings and don’t tell him. He will want to spend it and that is your future security gone.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/02/2025 11:45

If it was me, I wouldn't keep it a secret but I would tell him that it needs to and will go into my pension and I would point out the difference between his financial future and mine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2025 11:46

Tell him how you’re spending it but it’s not okay to keep it a secret. You say it’s a happy marriage, it won’t stay that way if you lie by omission. You wouldn’t like it if he lied to you would you?

Fencehedge · 04/02/2025 11:49

YANBU. If it's inheritance it could potentially be a non-matrimonial asset if not intermingled with family finances.

InsegnanteScozzese · 04/02/2025 11:54

YABU. He is supporting you financially. Put it aside for retirement, but be honest. You're judging him on finances while he's paying for you, that's cheeky.

Irvinesv · 04/02/2025 11:56

I think you need to be open about it.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/02/2025 11:58

How would you feel if you were contributing the significant unequal share each month and found out your husband kept 25k a secret and to themselves?

Genuine question not judging

TreesWelliesKnees · 04/02/2025 11:59

You are completely reasonable to save the money. If I were you I would put it into a long term investment, pension or bond that cannot be touched and THEN I would tell him I've done that. If you tell him about it first he might make you doubt yourself and you'll end up feeling guilty and then spending it. But personally I wouldn't keep it a secret.

Magnastorm · 04/02/2025 11:59

It's your money to do with as you see fit.

But don't keep it a secret.

CalliopePlantain · 04/02/2025 12:00

He should have been topping up your pension while you were a SAHM as it benefited both of you but has disadvantaged you now. I’d just stick most of it in a pension pot and keep a few k in accessible savings for some treats for you both

eremition · 04/02/2025 12:12

However I contribute far more in that I run household pretty much unaided.

So much for what you describe as a happy second marriage.
This and thinking of lying instead of being able to tell the truth.

Original poster
Middleagedemptynester · 04/02/2025 12:13

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/02/2025 11:58

How would you feel if you were contributing the significant unequal share each month and found out your husband kept 25k a secret and to themselves?

Genuine question not judging

You are right! I will tell him. I’m rubbish at keeping secrets anyway and don’t want anything to come between us

OP posts:
Original poster
Middleagedemptynester · 04/02/2025 12:15

CalliopePlantain · 04/02/2025 12:00

He should have been topping up your pension while you were a SAHM as it benefited both of you but has disadvantaged you now. I’d just stick most of it in a pension pot and keep a few k in accessible savings for some treats for you both

He’s my second husband. Met him long after the SAHM years

OP posts:
Tvp123 · 04/02/2025 12:22

Ignoring the question about secrecy, you should make pension contributions. A non earner can put 2,880 into a pension each tax year and the government will top it up to 3,600. That's the same as a 20% return.

Velmy · 04/02/2025 12:23

It's your money so he can't - and as you're happily married presumably wouldn't want to - make you spend/split it.

But as he's supporting you financially, I imagine he'd be upset if he found out you'd been keeping a significant amount of money a secret from him.

As you're splitting things 70/30, would you consider putting 70% away in a pension and using 30% for a treat for the pair of you? Best of both worlds!

Original poster
Middleagedemptynester · 04/02/2025 12:26

Tvp123 · 04/02/2025 12:22

Ignoring the question about secrecy, you should make pension contributions. A non earner can put 2,880 into a pension each tax year and the government will top it up to 3,600. That's the same as a 20% return.

Please tell me more about this? Is that better than an isa?

OP posts:
Original poster
Middleagedemptynester · 04/02/2025 12:27

eremition · 04/02/2025 12:12

However I contribute far more in that I run household pretty much unaided.

So much for what you describe as a happy second marriage.
This and thinking of lying instead of being able to tell the truth.

I’m happy to do it. I have more time and my life is easier than his. And I like things done my way.

OP posts:
Checkhov · 04/02/2025 12:28

Also OP have you checked your state pension forecast? I did and had a nasty shock.

Zanzara · 04/02/2025 12:29

Tvp123 · 04/02/2025 12:22

Ignoring the question about secrecy, you should make pension contributions. A non earner can put 2,880 into a pension each tax year and the government will top it up to 3,600. That's the same as a 20% return.

It's actually 25%, but it's a very good point. 😊

Also OP, check if you will qualify for a full state pension, and if not, make voluntary contributions.

SometimesCalmPerson · 04/02/2025 17:25

If you don’t tell him you can’t complain when he does something to make you distrust him. Keeping secrets is a form of lying, so if you’re happy to have lies in your marriage, then go for it.

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