Hurt my family isn’t in my children’s lives

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I have 2 beautiful kiddos. My family has only seen my son like twice and his 15 months now! And my daughter they used to see a lot when she was younger. The problem is my parents decided to have more kids when I grew up and they are about 5-10 years older than my eldest. It really hurts that my kids won’t have the grandparent experience that I did or that I hear of other people having. It sounds selfish of me but I can never have a break as I don’t have any family to watch them. Luckily I have support from my amazing husband but he works a lot. Like for Christmas I brought all my family gifts and they didn’t give my kids any! Not even a toy from Poundland. They never ask about them and it just seems like they aren’t interested as it is. Am I being unreasonable for wanting to cut them off completely for never making an effort with my kids? They have planned a family holiday for them and my younger siblings on my birthday! It seems like they have just completely forgotten that I’m also their kid even if I’m older.

That sounds hard. Not even buying a Christmas gift is very unusual even if grandparents do have other kids etc. Were they attentive to you after your younger siblings were born and is this therefore out of character with how they are as parents to you? And have you tried to sit down and talk to them, tell them how you feel and see how they react before considering cutting them off?

Nope I was ignored completely. It was a shame because I had another sibling pass a few years prior than that. And with all the grief and new births it was very hard to get any attention. Fast forward to my adult years I am constantly left out of family gatherings, secrets and everytime I do see them it’s like “did I not tell you about this?” Like the family trip on my birthday lol.

I guess so unfortunately but I don’t want my kids to grow up in a family like that. Like they don’t even know my kids. If they was to watch them they wouldn’t know the first thing about them. My husbands side of the family are great we need more positivity like that

I would definitely back away from them, it doesn't sound like they are interested anyway. I would just go low contact and see if they get in touch with you. if not, then I wouldn't bother again.

Thanks. I’ll take tht in mind

Such a common story these days which is very sad. My children do have my parents around, but as they are very elderly it won't be forever.
Aunties, uncles and cousins are non existant on both sides. All too busy and again no interest shown to any of my children. My side have blatantly said they find children too much work and cannot be bothered with them and rather they did not visit because children are messy. Their cousins are primary teachers and I was told that they need a break from children and that is why they don't want to see them.

How much interest did you show when your parents had their younger children?

Doesn't sound like there's much cutting off to be done, seems like it's already done.

I practically raised them lol! Used to take my younger sister out all the time. I didn’t realise until I had kids how much of a help I actually was. They’re not my kids they are my parents however

So you practically raised your younger siblings. That clarifies a lot. I think the problem is that your parents are terrible, useless parents. They don't care about their own children, so are unlikely to care about their grandchildren. I think you should back away fast.

How many siblings do you have that are young in age? Not sending gifts at Xmas aside as that's rude I imagine their lives are incredibly busy raising another set of kids at a much older age and can't juggle being a parent of young children as well as grandparent of young children at the same time and so have prioritised their own?

Cut the gifts , drop the rope . Focus all your attention on your children . If they don't want to be bothered just let them go .

I think you should roll back on the ‘entitlement to grandparental childcare’ stuff. A lot of people don’t have that, whether because their parents are too far away, still working FT, or too unwell or old. We paid for every penny of childcare we ever had since I returned to work when DS was seven months.

And while I understand your hurt that your parents aren’t more interested in your children, I think it’s completely mad you’re resenting them going on holiday on your birthday. That makes it sound as if you’re still a child!

It’s not mad as this wouldn’t happen for any of my other siblings birthdays. We celebrate them fully even though I have older siblings as well ranging from 30-5. It’s only my birthday which is repeatedly missed how’s that fair regardless of any age?

They actually voiced those thoughts. I am speechless. (amazing feat, I can tell you)

My family is rarely in my life. Prior to meeting DH and having DD I saw my DF twice a year with weekly phone calls. Saw his wife and their child maybe once a year. I had some mad idea me having a child would change this. I've had to go through the grief again of not having an involved DF and learn to accept he won't be an involved GF either.

It breaks my heart so I feel you. I realised I was chasing them all the time, wanting a family when they didn't. So I've stopped. I sent token presents for xmas, they sent nothing and wouldn't even come and see us. We are an hour away. I've decided I'll be the better person and acknowledge birthdays etc but apart from that treat them as distant relatives. I can only advise to do the same.