Have I caused this

[Tytt]

Posting here for hopefully a bit of advice

DS is 3, DD about to turn 1. I had DD just after DS turned 2.

I got really depressed and suffered with my anxiety worse than ever before.

I did mask apparently. DH said I wasn’t too different? But

i sound stupid. I’m worried I’ve made our eldest anxious and moody?

again please advise as my eldest is our first child so I don’t know! But he melts down so easy. Hesitant going to new places. Past 2 days we’ve went out he’s asked to go home while out? But then does enjoy being out

e.g. At the park today asked to go home, turned and went to the playground and he wouldn’t leave!! Had to bribe him out with his favourite tea

We do swimming classes and the whole lesson. (We’re on lesson 3) he clings to me. Joins in briefly but won’t look at the teacher etc and is quite moody

Whines a bit etc and I try to help him relay his emotions to us but he still seems a bit young mentally for it. He can’t explain why type of thing?

But I can help
gim can’t I? I want him to be so happy and enjoy life and everything

I didn’t sit in while I was down I went out all the time with him and he’d go to nursery as normal (to keep his place for my return to work) so he was out all the time but now I’m like have I done too much and he’s sick of me taking him out all the time?

I do t know I just worry

kids pick up on a vibe. I honestly struggle being around anxious people, it makes me panicky. Sorry you did ask

I disagree with the PP, kids go through stages like this OP, stop worrying, he'll be fine.

Yeah I am trying and doing quite well with fake it till you make it and I have seen some improvement in confidence (today at the playground he went up to all the kids wanting to play, months ago he’d avoid kids and get upset) so I am trying xx

I agree - kids definitely go through stages of grumpy, clingy, frustration, etc like this, but you say you're out all the time and he's at nursery as well - could he be tired? My kids are awful when they're tired (as am I, so my apples haven't fallen far from the tree). Kids need down time to relax at home just like we do.

Three year olds are called threenagers for a reason.
They can be totally stubborn.

Mine also really disliked swimming until he was about ten. Nothing was any good and he wouldn’t engage for years. Then suddenly he started to enjoy it.
I don’t know if I tried too much or not enough.

Thanks yeah he’s always been more prone to tantrums/meltdowns but he had. Bit of a speech delay so think he was frustrated type of thing!

and that’s my thing atm I constantly go between am I doing too much or not enough

And today he said he didn’t want to go to preschool he wanted to stay at home with me :(

he’s fine when he’s in there he loves it! But we had to up the kids days recently as family can’t help us so is the “I want to go home” thing just more he wants to just be with me he means? He still isn’t fully clear with speech etc so maybe is it his way of noticing it’s an extra day?

We are dropping the extra day soon when I can go part time

I think you are worrying too much and expecting too much from your three year old. He’s very little and you need to parent the child you have not the one in the books! Be led a bit more by him build his confidence slowly and gently give him plenty of downtime at home if he’s happy with that and go easy on both him and yourself.

Thanks for the tips and advice everyone I just get touchy I feel a lot of guilt for being so down and depressed after DC2 and I constantly worry about my kids

My ‘kids’ are fully fledged adults but it doesn’t stop me worrying about them their partners and children I’m afraid it goes with the territory but you can only do your best I expect you are a lovely mum cut yourself a bit of slack. Best wishes

He sounds fine and just going through normal 3yo stuff.

I mean, do you never feel "god, I don't want to go to work today, I want to stay home and [whatever you enjoy doing]?" Even when you quite like your job?

They have no filter, so it's feel it, say it - and doesn't necessarily mean anything deeper than that's what he's feeling in the moment.

And in the next moment he'll feel something else, just like your park/playground example.

It's only when there is a consistent long term pattern of not wanting to do something that they previously enjoyed that you might want to look into it a bit for an underlying reason.
Changeability is very very common, in all ages!

He sounds like a regular 3 year old to me, honestly he really does. Please try not to blame yourself

Honestly sounds completely normal for a 3 year old, transitions can be really difficult for them even when you know it's something they'll enjoy when they get there. They're all very different, you'll probably find it gets easier around 4

He sounds normal to me, I think they go through phases of this. My friend visited recently and thought my nearly 4 year old was a different child from the one she saw a year ago, so chatty and confident. She definitely has her more whiney/anxious periods, just got to sail through them! I think we risk making it worse if we worry too much as they pick up on it. Easier said than done though I know!

OP, my mum would openly admit that she was a lot more anxious, stressy and depressed when my sister was a toddler than she was with me and my brother when we were the same age.

My sister grew up with a very sunny, confident and sociable disposition. Outgoing, cheerful, friendly, adventurous. By contrast, I was (and still am) introverted, pessimistic, wary and prone to brooding anxiety and depression. So completely the other way around from your situation!

Honestly, while I'm sure there are things that can have an impact on a kid's early years, the chances are that these are just your kids' natural personalities.

You sound like a wonderful mum, and you obviously really care about your son. Honestly we can't prove it either way - maybe you did cause your son to have anxiety issues, and maybe you didn't. There are so many factors that can go into children acting this way, and parents are only one of them - growing up and learning about the world is hard and stressful! Additionally, honestly you are probably going to cause your child some issues at some point. This isn't because you're evil or abusive, this is just b/c you're a human being - all parents mess up in some way shape or form.

Instead of stressing out about whether it's 'your fault', I'd focus on helping him to grow and flourish. In fact, you could use your mental health issues to model to him that it is possible to get better from anxiety, and turn the negative into a positive. For example, after my dad left my mum when I was a kid, my mum became really depressed. However, she then actively worked on herself and tried her hardest to create a loving home for our family without my dad, and succeeded! So she managed to show me and my sister that we didn't need to stay in an abusive relationship, and that you can be happy and flourish after going through a breakup. I wonder if you could do a similar thing with your kid? Show him through your own actions that you are capable of living a happy and joyful life, even with mental health issues, and this will teach him that it's possible for him to do the same, which is a valuable life lesson for us all!