Wtf am I doing here?

[Croneintraining]

My hub and I are both autistic so I get that communication is difficult, but I swear he treats me like a servant. I’ve asked him so many times to stop nagging me to do house work but he never changes. He says he’s helping me. I hate him so much sometimes. We’ve been together 14 years and married 10. I feel so worthless. I’m always told I’m being unreasonable or don’t understand when I finally snap with annoyance. Right now he’s playing Xbox with his friend (which he does every day) while I’m cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning up after the pets and you know being a mum. Am I ungrateful? Unreasonable? I just can’t believe this is my life and my relationship.

It doesn't have to be

You can leave you know.

but should I? Is this enough or should I suck it up?

You're being unreasonable to put up with it but that's easily fixed.

Absolutely not. Do you both work outside of the home? Even if you don't, your "working day" is the same as his and has an end point, at which point you both go into "joint parent mode". You should get equal downtime and equal chores. If you don't really want to.fix this you absolutely can leave.

You can literally leave someone for not putting the toilet seat down or chewing too loudly.

There doesn't have to be some 'big event'. If you are miserable, it is valid to have had enough.

You only get one life to live. We don't get second chances at doing this, so if you don't see yourself being happy with him then I would absolutely leave.

We both work full time, he doesn’t see the imbalance and if I bring the issue up he gets defensive and I always end up apologising

He's not your boss OP and you don't have to do what he says. It's difficult because you have children but I would stop doing anything for him and start demanding he pulls his weight.

Right, so SHOW him the imbalance. Make a timetable grid for the hours you are both at home and write down what each of you do between 5-6pm, 6-7 and so on.
Underneath, add a list in two columns of who does what in terms of other tasks, admin, DIY etc and a third row showing leisure time. Sit down with it and him and ask him to explain how it is fair. Work out the totals and include them.

Your DH sounds like waaay too many men, whether they're NT or ND. Of course he sees the bloody imbalance and of course he gets defensive. He's playing Xbox with his little friend like a 13 year old until mummy says dinner's on the table. What's not to like? Get tough OP. Tell him to shape up or ship out. You are worth more than this.

Ffs. Leave. This is more than enough to be totally reasonable to just walk out the door without notice. You can leave for any reason. This is a massive amount of bs!

Sounds unreasonable, and if he's not willing to compromise it's worth a big think about if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

Thank you, that’s really helpful x

Ordinarily I'd say start making preparations to leave but my experience with autism is very limited. You could consider relationship counselling where an independent third party might help you both to communicate better? You'd have to get him to agree to go obviously so that might be a big issue but I'd start with a straight statement that you intend to divorce him if things don't change, you would prefer to have some counselling with an objective 3rd party before taking this step, but that if he won't come with you and participate, then you can only assume he doesn't not wish to continue in the marriage.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/counselling-for-couples-where-one-or-both-is-autistic

However, is he likely to want you to be the 100% RP so you do all the solo parenting and he spends the odd Saturday afternoon with the kids? How involved is he in their lives?

Why would you 'suck it up'? You're living with a man that you frequently find yourself hating because of his behaviour. You're not happy. Of course you can leave him if he's making you unhappy, which he is.

Apologies if this sounds silly, but have you asked him specifically to do a household task? My DH is autistic, I can't assume that he sees what household jobs need to be done - for example, I need to be specific and say please can you put the rubbish out AND put a new bin bag in the bin.

Your children are watching you skivvy while he literally plays games. Is that the dynamic you want them to grow up thinking is normal or healthy? It’s not, so demonstrate you know it’s not and dump him. Lazy git.

So why isn’t he doing the laundry while you play on the x box?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd down tools and not do a thing for him, maybe then he'll see the imbalance

Seriously, thank you everyone, at least I don’t feel like I’m going mad x

My ex was like this. Arch manipulator. He was also emotionally abusive, they often go together. Do you walk on eggshells around this man, worry about upsetting him or making him angry?

Not that you need any more reasons to leave, this idleness and self-centredness alone is enough to call time if he really won’t address the issues.

Maybe time him playing the game. Tomorrow you start playing it and just say "oh it's my turn tonight just like you had a turn last night" and leave him to do it all.

I thought you were going to say you are a SAHM.

This is awful behaviour. Did you talk about to him about division of responsibilities ?

Do you have children? How does he get to play on weekdays?
My husband and I work full time and we have children. Weekdays are incredibly busy.

yes, I don’t feel he’s emotionally manipulative necessarily though, but you’re right, manipulative af. This morning I’m determined to look at the time table idea, maybe write a letter too so I don’t get flustered in an argument and back down. The sad thing is I’ve been here before so many times with him and nothing ever changes. Thanks again everyone x

You have to stop doing his share. Especially for things that directly benefit him. How did he manage to find his dinner or wash his clothes before you met?

YANBU. I would totally withdraw from him. When he nags I would leave the room. I would cook my food and the kids food and only wash clothes for them and you. I would also start taking back parts of my life, arranging breaks from the kids with whatever support I could find. Until you show them what stops they take you for granted.