To fight or to flight?

[StElse]

Ok how would you wise people come at this.

Am cohabiting with ex of 14 months, 12 years together. 3 primary aged children.

Following verbal agreement on him buying me out, I have had an offer accepted on a house to move on to.

He is now refusing to provide any material the solicitors need to proceed the buyout.

This morning when I raised this, he told me he:

1. Has changed his mind and wants a court agreement for 50/50 custody first
2. Will not provide any buyout until that's complete
3. He will not take informal agreement and insists on a court order

I mean, what do I do?

We've already been living like this for 14 months. I can't face another year or 2 of court arrangements before we live separately. And yet I can't leave without this money from him: which I (feel like) I am totally at his mercy to wait on.

The atmosphere in the home is terrible. He has a long history of control and violence.
There's hundreds of reasons why he shouldn't get 50/50 BUT I understand courts often overlook all of that and award it anyway.
I'm just normal. Normal job, no crime, no violence. Just being a mum.
All of this could be proven but my concern is the time and money it takes.

All the while, we're living together and this is my children's actual life. This is their childhood. I just want to leave and move on with giving them a happy life.

I suppose I'm trying to weigh up speed vs outcome. At the moment I'm inclined to agree to anything just to get out of here.

I'm terrified of the permanent scars that years of this sort of home life will do the children.
Yet if I agree to his demands, I'm surrendering my children to unsupervised (half) life with this man.

If court awards anything less than 50/50 to him, I'm afraid he'll renege on buying me out altogether.

He's just doing a terribly good job of prolonging his control over me, isn't he.

Ok, it's AIBU, so:

1. YABU: This is your children's future care, you should've done this ages ago, get childcare formally agreed.
2. YANBU: Give the man whatever he wants and get the hell outta there.

I'm so sorry you're stuck in this situation.

He is indeed continuing to enjoy asserting his control over you.

I'm not really sure how you can get him to keep his word.

Perhaps a solicitor can help you, so a contract can be drawn up and he'll be bound by it. Without one, I wouldn't trust that even if you settled on a custody arrangement with the courts, that he'd keep his end of the bargain in buying you out.

This sucks. He sucks. I'm sorry.

Or of course there is 3rd option, YABDaft: in which there's a lovely easy fix here that I'm missing!

Sell the house on the open market - get a solicitor to ask a judge to authorise it, a judge can also sign any paperwork on behalf of an owner as well. I wonder if your ex is aware of this, if not it might make him more amenable to buying you out quickly.

And never trust an abusive person to keep their word, no matter how convincing they appear. He backtracked deliberately and he knew he would from the very beginning. Ask a solicitor about an Agreement of Settlement letter, I have this with my stbx because although he is fine with selling the house, it sets out our percentages from the equity so there is no disagreement when solicitors transfer funds. I don't think it's legally binding without a judge but it does let the judge know that you were both serious regarding the settlement.

I fear you have lost the other house, unless the threat of getting a judge to sign on his behalf changes his mind back sharpish.

Speak with a solicitor, formally offer to buy him without any delay or hold up out or get a court order to sell the property.

I did look seriously at a court order. The cost put me off in the end. I saw it was £3,000 ish per hearing? Which I have to pay to bring the case?

I have £10,000 escape fund saved and it would obliterate that. I wouldn't even get much more from a sale, I also fear the trauma it would do to the kids to see their home sold in such miserable circumstances.

He also knows all this and I think is so incensed and enraged that I'm leaving that he'll gladly plough all his money in to ground to make this a disaster to punish me for leaving.

If I were to agree even to 50/50 to get out, this could in theory be changed in future can't it?

It's an escape fund. Use it to escape.

Force his hand and tell him unless he signs it you will do just that he has 24 hours to sign it before you go to the solicitor.

Stop playing silly games or you will be chasing your tail trapped in a house with this twat for the rest of your life.

you may not need to push it to court- the threat from a solicitor should do the trick. And if it costs you a few thousand? What is a year of your life worth? You've spent 14 months living with an unpleasant arsehole. Its not an escape fund if you dont escape

Thank you all. Re-reading my own replies made me wonder if I was being a little Can't-Do. I am actually due a lot more than I have agreed to: the incentive being speed of completion.

I've emailed him a letter this evening - the first time I've put anything in writing - advising I'll proceed to Order of Sale and for more £, if he doesn't give a solicitor and bank agreement by end of the week.

Perhaps that may act as a mover. Thanks for the kick up the bum.

He probably won't even read it.