To expect some flexibility in return? What's reasonable?

[cadburyegg]

Looking for advice as to what’s reasonable regarding arrangements for children in the school holidays.

My ex husband has our children EOW for 3 nights and sees them at my house 1 night a week. He works term time only, so in the holidays he does have them more, probably 40% of the holidays. He has a partner and I don’t, so for the most part for the last few years I’ve been happy for him to choose when he wants to have the children and I can work around that.

However, I’m finding his lack of ability to compromise a huge frustration. His time with his partner he seems to consider sacrosanct. She has children too, and he seems to want to live by her custody arrangements. So when she has her children, he wants to have our children at exactly the same time. When she doesn’t have her children he refuses to see ours. There can’t be any deviation.

Over Christmas for example, he demanded to have our children from 20-27 December. His exact words were “I’m not around the second week of the holidays, XXX’s ex husband has their children that week so that’s when I can see her”. I said he couldn’t have them for the whole first week and for me not to see them at all so he ended up having them just for 2 extra nights over that holiday despite having 2.5 weeks off work.

Like I said I’m happy to be flexible for the most part but I am growing increasingly resentful about being expected to bend over backwards for his schedule. I got an email today about a summer holiday forest school club which is running at their usual club, I know my children will absolutely love it. They usually aren’t a fan of holiday clubs. But it’s only running for 1 week. I know that if I tell my ex husband about it and suggest they go to that holiday club for that week and he can have them on other weeks, he would only agree to it if it fits with his girlfriend’s custody schedule.

At what point can I put my foot down? The problem is, unless I agree to exactly what he wants, the children spend less time with him and I feel guilty for that too.

What’s reasonable?

Typical example of you give an inch and they take a mile. Because you are being flexible he is taking advantage.

I would write him a message saying "I have always been happy to be flexible around our childcare arrangements, because my lifestyle allows that. However recently you have been relying on me too much to facilitate your schedule and I don't think that is fair. I am happy to move things from time to time, but if you continue to rely on me being the one to always be flexible then I'm afraid we are going to have to revert back to a more formal arrangement."

I would be tempted to book the forest school thing assuming kids are excited about it and them tell him it’s booked and ask what dates he would like ? This is summer holidays so hes had plenty of notice
be more assertive and let him know your convenience is importsnt it’s got to be a compromise

The biggest thing that stood out to me in your post is that he doesn't have his children on his own to spend quality time with them? He has them when his gf has hers? So that he can have his quality time with his gf instead.
So he's massively prioritising his relationship with his gf over his children.
The whole thing is very sad but I think its important to remember that he's making this choice to put his children second. It's not your fault.

Please don't do this. If he can't / won't make adjustments theyll miss out and be miserable. It really sucks trying to co-parent witj someone who doesn't prioritise the kids but pushing a fair accomplis just inflames the situation

He doesn't live with his partner so when he has the children he doesn't see her. Which is one good thing at least but I know that they get put in front of a screen so he can do his hobby, because he's with his girlfriend the rest of the time so doesn't do it then

This will go on for years OP I lived it but
we all survived it and my dc and I are very close. We did not have 50/50 and I always wanted my children as much as I could have them and would always take any “extra” time offered. As a result little was offered. I had a very specific parenting agreement specifying the days times and method of exchange. All holidays including birthdays and M/F day. He was Jewish so those holidays also included. Yep he and his gf want free weekends together (mine did too) and want kids together communally because that’s how you have a couples weekend. What if there is another gf in the future and her schedule varies? I would recommend a formalized parenting time arrangement arranged thru your system (USA is called guardian ad litem) everytime he wants to vary from it it must be done in writing (email) and you do not need to accommodate every time. In reality girlfriend and her ex seem to be dictating your parenting schedule. No judgement op but no way would I give up dec 20-27 becuse that’s what works for GF and GF ex. Holidays are precious. In my experience which is not little…flexible parenting rarely works. Some one always takes the piss and someone is always getting pissed on. Either they take too much of your time or they have no desire to be with the dc all of which is stressful to dc. The only couple I know who have no parenting agreement have one child neither remarried and really not even in a relationship since splitting.

Suggest a more formal arrangement. However that does then mean you lose flexibility too.
How old are the children? I would imagine it was easier for everyone if the arrangement was more rigid in that he had them every other week and that these weeks didn't swap, that way the children would know which parent they were with and when.

They are 9 and 6.

I didn't give up 20th-27th December, I told him he couldn't have them the whole week and suggested splitting both weeks. He wouldn't split the second week because it was his anniversary with his girlfriend. We split the first week instead but it meant he had them for a whole 2 extra nights.

Yes, issue is I won't be able to take them away for longer than 7 nights if we do week on/week off in the holidays.

It has crossed my mind too about what happens if he gets a different partner who has a different schedule. Why is it I have to be the one who is flexible when he has more time than I do?

But given his total lack of flexibility, why don‘t you demonstrate the same lack of flexibility and do whatever the hell you want? You want to go away for more than 7 nights? Crack on, sorry, ex idiot, no, you can’t have them when your gf conveniently has her dc! Stop being such a doormat. If he ends up having them less, tough on him, they’ll soon understand that daddy doesn’t want them if it’s even slightly inconvenient.

So it's acceptable to book the dc on this forest school for a week before consulting him?

I just feel guilty which I know is my problem.

I will have to use holiday clubs in the summer anyway so they might as well go to one they like. But if that's a week he would have had them I'll feel bad.

I think it’s fine for you to book forest school. It’s about putting your children first. He will still have other weeks to choose from and if he doesn’t like it, then he clearly cares more about seeing his girlfriend than he does about what’s best for his children.

Book the kids in. They come first and you says it’s something they would love

if he kicks off about not being able to see them you tell him that’s his choice. HE is choosing to put his partner first rather than his kids and you are not going to stop your kids from getting experiences like this because of his inflexibility

And carry on doing that.