Please help with 3 yo’s behaviour

[Mammatogirls]

I’m really hoping I can get some help or advice from other parents who have been through similar. Lo is 3 and only recently came into my care. I know they’ve experienced trauma and loss so adjusting to such huge life changes will take time.

I need some advice on getting dressed and in and out of the car.

These things are often met with refusal, even when two choices are offered. Physically won’t allow you to do it if they’ve said no.

The hardest time is school pick up. They meltdown and refuse to get out of the car daily, constantly asking for sweets.

I’ve tried a social story, talking it through, offering choices e.g. do you want to go in the pushchair or walk?

When I try to lift them out the car, they move away so I can’t reach them or they go floppy so you can’t pick them up. I’ve been stood outside of the car more than once in tears while they scream and cry inside the car. Too big to lift out and carry to the school.

I’m having to bribe them out with a pepperami or my phone.

I am not sure if there is a SN link - someone suggested PDA to me, or if it’s just their trauma coming out the only way they know how.

I am not new to parenting children, but this situation has be stumped. I’ve tried try being stern, just met with more screaming.

It’s a long drive to school so nobody that can do the school run for me.

I need to be able to manage this independently. My question is, how?

Please help with any useful strategies if you’ve experienced similar!

This sounds really tough 💐 how long has she been in your care?

Depending on verbal skills, could you sit down with her during a calm time and make a school run plan? Explain it has to happen but come up with something that might help - e.g. could she ride a scooter? Is it because it's cold - does she need gloves/hat etc? Tbh if the snack is working then I'd keep doing it! Once established, you could always change the snack later on to something a bit healthier if you want. A little bit of bribery never hurt anyone, I say!

It sounds tough but I know what you are experiencing.

With the car situation and saying he is having meltdown. The best way i get through to a 3 year old like this is to wait it out. Calmly tell them you are there and ready but you cannot move or make anything better until the meltdown is finished. I've found a little one we have will calm down after 5 ish minutes, have a cuddle and carry on as normal. However if I try and carry him or even try and talk to him it can go on for 30 minutes plus. Also when the little one came to us it took around 5 weeks to get them used to the new seat and journey. He will settle, it just takes some time as he will be experiencing trauma and worried about the unknown.

Also are sweets associated with his birth parents? I often find DC want sweets because it's because it is what they had at home.

Getting dressed - do they not like wearing clothes, do they prefer certain materials, colours or do they find it uncomfortable getting changed?

Thank you. They are very happy when in clothes, doesn’t ever seem to be any issues in terms of textures/colours etc. When they’re not dysregulated they’re a delight. Happy, sunny, amenable, no meltdowns etc.

I will try and wait it out. I have been getting there early for pick up, maybe I neee to get there even earlier to let the melt down play out rather than trying to say come on, we have to get X.

That sounds tough. It must be tough to suddenly have a different guardian and only patience, listening and time will help. I only have experience of my 3.5 year old. I find a combination of independence and choices helps.

To get dressed, I have a selection of clothes in a box that they can choose from and sometimes make getting dressed a race. I also make sure that getting dressed always comes before breakfast, hunger is a big motivator.

For getting into the car, we offer the choice of climbing in or being lifted, that way they can be independent, the inside of my door is really muddy though. I also have a couple of toys/teddy bears in the car.

It isn't great, but when all else fails, a chocolate button always helps.

Of they don't mind clothes then I'd try asking what their favourites are. Maybe try and get them picked out the night before when he is not disregulated. Then remind him in the morning he picked those.

We also use the race method against other kids in the house and make it a game.

As its new keep communicating your routine we do X, then X then X.

With the car I would also try the when we go get X we can do X. It's difficult but sometimes getting rid of negativity so instead of you need to do this now when they don't want to, it's more like if we do X really quickly you can do or have X. Changing their mindset can be difficult and if coming into your care is new he will be trying to control what he can due to the losses and confusion he is experiencing.

How long has he been in your care?

I've been fostering a good while now and i still have my days where I cry. It's OK. I'm sure you are doing a great job.

Getting our 3yr old into car seat after nursery was a nightmare, so we let her choose which side to get in from, and have a different cuddly friend waiting every day. We did a car seat fit check, altered the uprightness of the seat (turns out some of the inserts should have been removed) she also doesn't like the straps on too tight so we have to make that a distraction. She likes to wear her sunglasses in the car and loves to look in the mirror so going to get her a light up one. Sometimes I have to bribe with food. Also I try and park a little walk away so she can walk to and from having a little chat.

I don't know what type of trauma your LO has experienced, but attachment disorders can cause autism-like behaviours. There is a really useful document called the Coventry Grid which you can use to see whether they fall mostly within autism or attachment issues - it's at the appendix here https://www.johnwhitwell.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/TheCoventryGrid_2010.pdf.

Mine is autistic and had huge struggles at the same age with transitions such as getting dressed or getting in and out the car (and also lots of others - getting in or out of the bath, ending an activity, ending screen time, bedtime, the works). Some strategies we found helpful include

• visual timetable / now and next cards so that they know exactly what is going to happen, so "now" is in the car, "next" is meet Josie at school or whatever it might be
• using a "transition object" - take a favourite toy or item which comes with them through the transition
• at 3yo we had a pre-schooler sling that she could basically hide in if there were too many people or too much noise
• lots of humour and silliness
• singing instructions rather than speaking them - our SEND HV suggested this and I don't know why it works, but it does!

Sounds like a very challenging situation and not of your making. I do not have experienced of adoption or traumatised children, just my own kids' tantrums. I do feel that being stern doesn't help at all at that age, and is likely to be particularly unhelpful in this scenario. I think that waiting it out is a good idea, difficult and embarrassing though it is. Ultimately, they may be testing the limits of your affection.

At school pick-up, the issue could be exacerbated by being hungry, so can you give a healthy or healthy ish snack? Can you change up pickup somehow to break the cycle, eg going to a nearby park or cafe or even just into a shop before heading home?

Getting dressed in the morning, can you build in a bit of 'getting used to the idea' time, eg picking out clothes upstairs, then saying ok you don't have to get dressed now, go down and have breakfast in pyjamas, play a bit, then say ok now we really have to get dressed?

Coming at it from the SEN/PDA side I’d say dressing continued to be an issue for many, many years after that for us. Sensory issues were a factor. Tighter clothing eg leggings rather than joggers were preferred. Also massaging or patting all over each limb before trying to get clothing on can help. Games and races were our go tos. Allowing pyjamas all day in the house/as soon as we got home helps. If you are able even giving the option of whether they actually want to get dressed each day at all might be a way forward. Distraction was also a big help. I would often read whilst dressing him or sitting beside him whilst he dressed. I continued to help long after he physically needed help.

For the car I’d leave as much time as you possibly can. Factor in that it will take half an hour to get out the car and then just wait it out, making normal, engaging conversation as you do so, noticing feelings and being empathetic. If you are not stressed because you need to get going you will not be passing on the stress. Less anxiety = more compliance. Possibly a visual timetable on the level of:
leave house, walk to car, get in car, put seatbelt on, drive, take seat belt off, get out car, have snack and walk to school etc.
Could you go on an adventure and go by scooter or bus or something to break the habit. Does s/he like cuddles? Would s/he transfer from the car into a sling if you got a preschooler sling? They are wonderful for deep pressure.

Trauma can manifest in a similiar presentation as autism.

Sounds like constraints collapse after school, do bring a snack for after school, try various sensory toys in the car. Make sure the car isn’t too hot.

Talk to senco at school. Can a member of staff come and collect him? Take some thing to school to show and tell, a photo, picture or anything.

There is a foster carers forum on MN which may also be helpful.

Thank you. They’re not at school themselves but having to accompany me on the school run.