To think that it's fine to just do the cleaning basics?

[MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned]

Yes, this is basically a whinge about my husband, but I want MN validation that I am right. I am prepared I may instead get told that he is, in which case I shall simply never tell him I asked...!

DH and I both work four days a week in fairly full-on jobs, have two young kids, we volunteer, both have hobbies, the older kid has hobbies. Basically we are busy people. One of the consequences of this is that our house is quite far from a show home. I would say we split the domestic stuff pretty evenly but that we have quite different attitudes to what 'doing the cleaning' is, and it's driving me potty. I feel that, at this stage in our lives, if we get the hoovering done, all the surfaces clean, the clutter manageable and the sheets and towels are changed with a reasonable regularity, we're doing well. He thinks that 'a job isn't worth doing unless it's worth doing properly'. But in practice this means we spend the same time cleaning, but I can do basically the whole house in that time and he works industriously on making a tiny area perfect.

For instance, yesterday. His parents were coming over for lunch, so in the morning we agreed we needed to clean. I went upstairs and changed all the beds, tidied all the rooms (making the kids 'help' me with theirs, which was actually considerably slower than doing it solo), cleaned the upstairs bathroom and vaccumed the stairs and upstairs. I came downstairs to find a kitchen sink that literally gleamed, two kitchen cupboards fully reorganised and cleaned, the microwave fully cleaned inside and out, and DH bent over the oven carefully getting crumbs out of the dipped line around the hob. He hadn't been secretly slacking off - he clearly had been cleaning the whole time. But he had also, to my mind, achieved naff all in the greater goal of making the house look as if civilized humans live there.

He says if we did it my way all the time the 'fiddly jobs' would never get done - that cupboard would stay a disorganized mess for ever more. I think that in our current stage of life that is normal, and basically we can just live with the cupboards being a mess for the sake of having the whole house look ok. AIBU?

YABU = he is right, the 'deep jobs' need doing and if that means you live in a house where every other room is chaos but the understairs cupboard looks fab so be it
YANBU = you are right, there is limited time and so it is fine to do everything to an ok standard rather than anything being done to perfection

YANBU, but those fiddly jobs do need doing. But I wouldn't do them when today's aim was get the place looking nice for guests. They are jobs for a wet weekend afternoon when you decide you're going to fix that annoying thing.

I di things your way but I wonder if it's useful to have a partner who does the specific deep cleans. Together you could be a dream team 😋

Your husband needs to learn that it's idiotic to spend time doing the fiddly jobs when you have a large area to clean in limited time.
You need to learn that it's manky not to give things a deep clean every now and then.

My solution would be to hire a cleaner and ask them to do a deep clean every month.

He thinks that 'a job isn't worth doing unless it's worth doing properly'. But in practice this means we spend the same time cleaning, but I can do basically the whole house in that time and he works industriously on making a tiny area perfect.

I am sorry but this could just as easily be interpreted as avoiding doing more work. I am not against "doing it properly" but since in his book that means taking forever and a day to complete a tiny area of work, then perhaps he should do things his way but that then must mean that he devotes a couple of hours per day to cleaning tiny areas such that by the end of the week at least one room in the house is cleaned properly thanks to him!

We do a quick go over of the house every weekend like you mentioned (the basics) and make a list every week to tackle the deeper jobs so for example

Monday: sort bathroom cupboards out

Wednesday: reorganise kitchen cupboards

Friday: sort through waldrobes and clothes for charity shop

If that makes sense?

This will indeed be our solution once DC2 goes to school and we no longer pay his nursery bill - roll on September!

Your jobs are hygiene essentials so take priority. If you didn’t do that lot your house would smell.

But… DH’s perfectionist skillz are extremely useful. And he evidently enjoys it.

He gets to perfect one area a week entirely. Eg bathroom. Carry on with the main firefighting yourself.

Ugh my ex had the sane attitude, but didn't actually do any cleaning, apart from once in a blue moon, because he didn't have time to do it the way he thought it should be done. He had no apparent idea that if I didn't do the basics daily, the house would be filthy. It's infuriating.

I think you should both compromise. Most of the time you can clean like you do, with deep cleans every so often eg cleaning oven, inside cupboards, fridge etc.
If we have got guests coming we would just clean the living areas, kitchen and bathroom so they look presentable and clean. We wouldn't be doing bedrooms or inside cupboards etc.

It sounds like you've actually got the best possible partnership here. Together you're keeping the place to a higher standard than it would be individually. If either one of you were alone the house would either be a mess with some nice areas or tidy but a bit grimy.

Personally, I’d have prioritised downstairs rooms before arrival of guests - bed sheets and bedrooms would be last on my list, and I’d have closed those doors and sorted them later in the day after guests. I’d have done all downstairs spaces ensuring surfaces were clean and floors. And that the loo (if you have one downstairs), was very clean. Certainly not focussing on the details your husband chose to. So I guess I think you both expended unnecessary energy.

(But for the record I'm wholly on your side. My motto is "It's better to do a rush job than no job".)

As previous posters, you do need both (although I agree with you that the timing of when to do basics vs details might be an issue).
The Organised Mum Method or similar might help you to plan, so you have a timetable which ensures everything gets done on rotation.
It seems that if you can find a system that plays to both your strengths, then it could be ideal.

What my mum called a 'once over' is fine for day to day, but unfortunately you do have to do deeper cleans at some point.

I don't have a cleaning routine and just clean things when they look dirty. That said, I probably clean pretty thoroughly when I actually do it and deep cleans are rarely necessary.

I think you both need to reframe it.

Your combined skills are perfect for having a house that’s OK clean and tidy, but also the deep cleaning gets done.

I enjoy deep cleaning more than a quick clean as I can get very anal about it.

As long as you both spend the same time cleaning, then both types of jobs get done.

You just need to agree in advance when a speed clean takes precedence, in advance of guests.

Make the situation play to your individual strengths and you’ll both be happy.

But I feel that this basically is our current compromise, and I am unhappy with it because I feel it leaves me doing more than necessary. So yesterday, I ended up cleaning (to my slapdash standards) not only the upstairs, as noted above, but also the living room, playroom and the floor of the kitchen/diner, while he meticulously cleaned the kitchen and the downstairs loo (which is postage stamp sized). If he had cleaned as I had we could have both been ready to sit down with a coffee when I came downstairs having done what I feel was my fair half.

I knew that DC1 would want granny and grandad to go upstairs and look at his latest Lego creations as he explained them in great detail, so there was some reasoning to making upstairs look ok. Regular guests also tend to use our upstairs bathroom as the downstairs is teeny and off the living area so it never feels very private.

I agree with this

Reorganising a kitchen cupboard when you're trying to clean and tidy pre guests is madness. He should be mopping floors, clearing away clutter, wiping down surfaces and plumping cushions not alphabetising the spice rack!

I wouldn't have changed the beds, just tidied upstairs. Once I'd done my 'share' I would have stopped. There was zero consequence for him just doing what he wanted. There was a big consequence for you as you had to go more. Additionally it was his parents coming so if he was that worried he would have got on with it. You need to just get on with your st

Can you not get a sort of agreement over having two types of cleans?

So guests coming, you say "quick clean" and he doesn't do the fiddly stuff
Or you say "your way" and he gets to do the deep clean bits when it's a weekend or you have more time

You need to just get on with your stuff and do no more. HE will then raise it, why are you making this your problem?

They are coming to see you not inspect your house. I think your way for a visit.

If he wants to do a 'deep clean'. Suggest you could do it once a month his way and then the rest of the time your way as a compromise

What you did are weekly jobs, I spend 2 and half hours a week doing a clean like this. His jobs are great but something I’d do monthly, if I cleaned like this every time I’d be there hours.

I’m a cleaner and will do surfaces, quick tidy if needed, hoover and mop at my jobs. I clean my house as if it’s a clients house, crack on and get it done to a decent standard. I have one client who likes every corner top to bottom done which is of course fine as she pays for that time.

Family houses in general aren’t looking for that level of clean