Is he abusive or do I push him?

[Uusallypositive]

Hello
Me and BF have been together for 3 years. I dont wish to tell every single detail but I think it is relevant. When I met BF I was married and BF was effectively the other man for 4 months, until I left my xDH. BF suspected I wasnt seperated several times but didnt end things as I convinced him otherwise. He lied about when his ex moved out and when they split but he said that is because I said I wouldnt date anyone who had just split with an ex so he altered dates. I do remember saying this but he shouldnt have lied. For context, they were not together whilst we were, I have messaged his ex and she confirmed this.

However, back to my question. I am 6 months pregnant. We have always spoke about starting a family, living together and one day being married. BF has always been so lovely, gentle and caring. I have never met anyone who puts in more effort. Whether its breakfast in bed to asking about my day and genuinely taking an interest, no matter how boring my day has been.

After I left my xDH, I admit, I probably wasnt in a good place for a relationship. I anaylised everything BF had told me about his past and I used to spend hours and hours searching facebook, asking him questions (from morning to night) and even setting up fake accounts to message his ex. Little by little, I started noticing a change in his temper. He would often tell me that the more I argue with him, the more I damage the relationship. I have stopped all the past questions now. However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer. I then saw he had an old watch and a braclet that looked like something he would give another woman. I then made up a lie to ask him about this. Said I was scattering notes around the house for him and found it. He was annoyed with the questions but answered them - it was a watch that he bought a gf 20 years ago and the bracelet he bought his ex wife ten years ago (his ex isnt his ex wife by the way). He then flipped after I asked more questions. He then demanded to see where the love notes where around the house, I then told him there wasnt any, he got angry. He then started saying things like "you havent changed" "You still dont trust" "you have no self control" etc etc. He then said he didnt care if I was in his house or if I went home. I promised him I wouldnt do it again and he said it was just words. He then started getting angry the more I pushed him to talk to me, trust in me again and to talk to me. He shouted and said I had no right telling him what to do and then he said he doesnt trust me at all now.

He then started saying that he is fed up putting in effort when I dont (which is not true). He means he is fed up fixing our issues when I keep doing the same thing over and over again. The last time was in August when he went to the bathroom and I went down his phone. But I am happy I did as that is when I found out when him and his ex really broke up and I always had doubts over that. He kept wanting space and to stop speaking about it but I didnt leave it and he then started shouting at me and shouting in my face.

Last night he agreed to still come out with family. It was a nice evening, not too much chat from him but it was civil. He then slept in the car on the way home. When we got home, he didnt want to cuddle in bed and said he was "too full". When i questioned this he got angry. Said he wanted to sleep, told me he wanted me to go home earlier but I wouldnt. So after shouting and calling me "damaged" he went to sleep. This morning he said "hello" to me. I then said "okay, so you have had your sleep, what is going on with us" and he got immediately angry again. Telling me that there is something wrong with me that I want forgiveness and not do anything for it. He then started shouting in my face when I kept trying to hold his hand and apologise. He said I keep pushing him and he wants a quiet morning before work. I asked him for a time when we could talk and he got angry and said I had no right to demand anything. I then said it feels like you dont want me here, he said he didnt care, and that he doesnt want to speak to me, and he said he doesnt. I then said that I am the only one putting in effort and that I am fighting an uphill battle. He agreed and said he has no fucks left anymore and he wont be putting in effort and it is for me to do to win his trust back, again. he then got up, angrily said I had ruined his whole morning and he was now in a bad mood for work. I then said I would come work in his upstairs office (I have a desk there too but have been working int he livingroom for months, out of choice, it is more cosy) He said no, he didnt want me to work in the same room as him, I said I didnt care and I was going to make him a coffee and come up stairs. He said there wasnt the room, I said I would make room. He then got angry and grabbed me and forced me up the stairs to see the room, and he was right, there was mess everywhere and nowhere for me to work - he then said "here we go again, always think I am lying".

He kept shouting he had a meeting in "5 minuts". I grabbed his hand and apologised and said I had changed and I wouldnt break his trust again. He said he wanted me to go away, I refused and then his alarm went off reminding him his meeting had just started (online). He got angry, shouted that he wanted to be left alone. I said no. He then raised his fist and told me to go away. He didnt hit me but when I said "dont ever threaten me with violence" he said I have pushed him to that as I wont respect his feelings or boundaries. We are now in seperate rooms not talking with him making arsy remarks.

I dont know what to do or how to move on from this.

I am 6 months pregnant and I dont need the hassle.

Please dont say "LTB", please give honest opinions.

Is he abusive or have I pushed him to this?

Thank you

This spells it out very clearly.

you need to continue with therapy until you get to a place where you can be a good parent to this poor baby.

I hope this guy won't end up lashing out and running his life. He needs to leave ASAP. I Hope you won't go full phycho If he leaves you

He only raised his hand to try to get away from you to get to his meeting. You sound deranged to try to stop him from working.

You need help.

He needs to leave you.

The only one who needs to LTB is him. I feel sorry for your baby.

This OP is eerily similar to one I have read before.

You have pushed him to an extremity, I don't read that he is an abusive person, but you pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed until you got his tipping point. You are unreasonable and to blame. I think because you have lived a double life for so long you also believe others do the same.
I think you need to see a therapist as this will keep coming up whoever you get next. Sorry about the baby, you have a tough time ahead if he leaves you.

You are a jealous, controlling liar, who appears likely to become a stalker. None of what you describe about your behaviour is OK.

He is an angry, violent liar. This is also not OK. The anger may be justified by your behaviour, the violent expresion of it is not.

Leave the relationship - for his sake at least as much as yours. Get a lot more therapy before you even think about another one.

And ask your GP/social services for as much help as you can get with your baby, parenting classes, whatever is available to try to have a healthier relationship with your child than you do with your partner. Because if you are this controlling as a parent that will also be abuse.

You are awful OP, and just to be absolutely clear- YOU are the abuser here. Disgusting.

I feel sorry for the baby in this.

A few people have said this I wonder if it was the OP, or if there's 2 equally deluded people on here.

As the survivor of a DV relationship his handling of this situation is awful.

However, you have treated him appallingly and there is a part of me that has a huge sympathy with the pathway that has brought him to this point.

You have been hugely emotionally abusive to him. Repeatedly.

He has told you, he has given you wanting and you have gone on to repeat behaviours.

He has bot handled this well at all, but he is ot the root cause of this problem.

You were the cheater in your marriage. You are judging him on your own shitty behaviour and punishing him for your mistakes.

You need to leave him.

You need to do some serious work on yourself

I feel very sorry for the poor child about to be born into this shit show.

Your behaviour sounds absolutely intolerable. If this is how you treat someone you purport to love them you need to be single.
I would never ever excuse even a hint of violence from a man, but everyone has their limits. You need to see a counsellor to try and work out why you act in this destructive way.
If I were him I'd want to split up. So that's the kindest thing really.

The only reason you are doing that is in attempt to absolve yourself from any responsibility for your behaviour. It doesn't matter whether he is abusive or angry. What matters is that you disrespected him and violated his privacy for 3 years and you don't seem to be able to stop. If I were him, I'd report you to the police for unauthorised access to his phone.
Even if he is abusive, it does not give you the right to act the way you do.

Oh crikey. You are a product of your life and your past experiences and sometimes we acquire coping mechanisms that do not work and this sounds like you.

Based purely on what you have written above, by your own explanation it does appear that you have severe trust issues, are very assertive and that you are pushing him to the limit. Of course there could be more to this than you have said but on the information provided, you are the main issue here.

I don't mean this unkindly, I'm trying to help here.

Just look at what you have written. He seems to be putting in boundaries with you, which you are consistently ignoring by your own admission. You wanted to stay at his, he did not want you to stay, you ignored him and then got annoyed at him for wanting some peace.

"After I left my xDH, I admit, I probably wasnt in a good place for a relationship. I anaylised everything BF had told me about his past and I used to spend hours and hours searching facebook, asking him questions (from morning to night) and even setting up fake accounts to message his ex. "This is going to the extreme and you would come across to me as a control freak and I think I would lose patience with it too.

You then went on to say "He would often tell me that the more I argue with him, the more I damage the relationship. I have stopped all the past questions now." He is quite clearly telling you to back off and you said you had learnt your lesson and stopped doing it....BUT YOU HAVEN'T as you followed this up with " However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer. " For crying out loud woman, how many shots over the bow does the man need to give you???

When you apologise and promise not to do something again, its only a genuine apology if you are sorry and refrain from doing it. You clearly feel your actions are valid and therefore its not a valid apology and you repeatedly demonstrate this to him. He can't trust you as you are always highlighting that you do not trust him and that y ou do not honour your word.

Holding someone's hand and apologising is the right way to go, but this only works if you genuinely mean it and his past experience by your own words is that you do not, you will continue snooping and ignoring his boundaries.

He clearly tells you there is no room in his office space and you argue with him and he literally had to drag you upstairs to show you because you only want to do what you want to do.

"However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer.
I have stopped all the past questions now. However, I have went snopping a few times around his house to find "past" items and then we have argued when I have found something belonging to an ex. I had stopped all of that and have been seeing a therapist. However, on friday, I went snooping in a drawer.

As to the following "He said he wanted me to go away, I refused and then his alarm went off reminding him his meeting had just started (online). He got angry, shouted that he wanted to be left alone. I said no. He then raised his fist and told me to go away. He didnt hit me but when I said "dont ever threaten me with violence" he said I have pushed him to that as I wont respect his feelings or boundaries. " He needed to work, you were being exceptionally difficult and he asked you to leave and you refused. You had no concern for him. No raising his hand wasn't good but he did not follow through and tried every reasonable attempt to get you away from him.

You are coming across, as very selfish, controlling and total lack self awareness and it sounds like you are driving him away.

All this being said, it could be because of past experiences which have damaged you and you do need help. You are in great danger of losing this man if you don't back off now and get help with your lack of self worth and trust issues. Try LISTENING to him and certainly continue with the therapy and maybe ask for him to come along to explain.

OP - it's not him, it's you.
Get out and get help for your mental health.

You are the instigator in a now very toxic relationship. He needs to break up with you and you need therapy, your behaviour is not normal

You both need to grow up tbh and stop all this lying and arguing. You're about to bring an innocent little baby into this shitshow. This is toxic and you're both as bad as each other! Is there an older lady you can speak to about this who might have some wise advice, who knows you in real life?

I only looked in the drawer to see if there was a birthday card for me.

So snooping, stop trying to justify it.

I then saw something that I was curious about the snopping started. I didnt intend on snopping through his things out of distrust. I do trust him.

You were already snooping.

You lied to him about the state of your relationship with your ex dh and now you are punishing him for your lie.

You are trying to manipulate, control and goad this man and are pushing him to breaking point. For his sake and sanity he needs to be apart from you.

If it is, as it appears to be, his house, move out and leave him alone.

Give him space like he has requested repeatedly and leave his house. You have been abusive for YEARS and now he's really hit breaking point you are asking if he is abusive and still not giving him the space e he is requesting. You can not bring a child in to this relationship. He needs a break from you to sort his head out and you need serious psychological help before the baby comes.

Poor bloke. His life is now ruined. Good luck to him.

Honestly the best thing you can do is leave and give him space and work out how to co parent

you are pregnant - this is no environment to bring a child into ..

There is no LTB because I don’t think he is . I think you have completely fucked up this relationship .

if you can’t trust someone you can’t be with them.

You have given so much information about how you fucked up I initially thought reverse..

but you seem very keen to label him an abuser rather than look at your own behaviour

Sorry but you sound mental.

You need serious counselling, no one could live with you.

Unfortunately, what you don't seem to be getting is that the issue is (on the whole) with you and not him. So pushing for a resolution with him, is totally misguided. Its you that has trust and control issues and not him. Again I don't mean this unkindly but you have to admit what the problem is and tackle it, if you are to save this relationship. Fight for it.

You also seem to forget that you have lied and cheated with your former husband too and every time you promise your current boyfriend you will stop snooping, you do not. He sets boundaries and you ignore them. You seem to hold him to a standard that you don't adhere to yourself.

The thing is , OP, whatever you do or say will come from the person you are

And it seems to me that you might be a narcissist and a gaslighter

In which case, you can't sort anything because you'll always be coming from a narcissistic place

This. ^ In spades sadly @Uusallypositive

Everyone has the capacity to 'snap' under extreme provocation. I am so, so sorry for your boyfriend and I sincerely hope he gets away from you for his own sake, as well as yours

He is an angry, violent liar.

No he’s not @NoBinturongsHereMate?

He was single when he met OP but changed the dates very slightly to make the break up seem longer away. She, on the other hand, was married and lied about it even when questioned. She’s admitted several more lies in her OP.

He has not been violent - his behaviour this morning was aggressive. And reactive to a situation where someone was repeatedly refusing to respect his boundaries after going back on their word about problematic behaviour.

If the behaviours were reversed everyone would be telling OP she was in an extremely coercive and abusive relationship.