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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should sleep on the couch?

18 replies

Feckinlego · 02/02/2025 23:51

I gave up drinking over a year ago which I'm so proud of. Definitely had a huge problem. Dh is still drinking. I can't sleep with him when he's drinking, the fumes and snoring are hugely triggering. Dd was giving up her bed for him and sleeping with me up until recently, but she's getting older and doesn't want to anymore, which is completely reasonable. I've been sleeping on the couch when he drinks but I just don't want to anymore. But it's his bed too and I've no right to ask him to leave his bed for me. If I did he would in a heartbeat, he is honestly so kind, but I couldn't cope with the guilt. I also don't want to resent him for this. I'm having such a hard time at the moment with mental health/menopause, I feel I could go over the edge any time, so I honestly don't know if I'm making a big deal out of nothing here. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Cyclistmumgrandma · 02/02/2025 23:53

Take turns???

BaronessBomburst · 02/02/2025 23:54

It sounds like you need the bed, and he's happy to give it up for you. So DH gets the couch.
Don't overthink it!

Thirteenblackcat · 02/02/2025 23:55

Talk to him and come up with a compromise

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 02/02/2025 23:56

Yeah I’d ask him to take turns and if its going to be long term get a good quality sofa bed, don’t just sleep on a normal sofa. You need proper support and a breathable mattress while you sleep.

It sounds like he’d try and do the right thing so you don’t need to feel guilty asking him. Maybe it will give him the push he needs to drink less too.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 02/02/2025 23:56

And well done for giving up drinking Thanks

BeSharpBee · 02/02/2025 23:57

If he's causing issues with drinking then he gets the couch. He must know your triggers and his actions cause them. He either is sober in the bed or drunk and on the couch.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/02/2025 23:57

I’m similar. Both my kids are usually away at uni so I sleep in a different room nearly all the time as DH’s snoring is awful now, even without drinking. But I find it really hard when the kids are home for holidays as it’s usually when I’m off work too (school) - I have to go back in with him and I love being with him but when he has a drink at the weekend his snoring is even worse.

i still drink a bit but only at weekends and even then not every weekend so I don’t find DH’s snoring triggering as such from that point of view. Just hugely disruptive to my sleep because of the noise.

he usually sleeps in the couch, he offers, I don’t ask him. He says I make a “clicking sound” with my nose 🤨 so it suits him.

Itiswhysofew · 02/02/2025 23:58

Invest in a sofa bed? In the meantime, I think he should sleep on the sofa, as he's the one causing you discomfort through his drinking, which is a choice not a medical condition or the like.

WilmaTitsDrop · 03/02/2025 00:00

I've been sleeping on the couch when he drinks but I just don't want to anymore. But it's his bed too and I've no right to ask him to leave his bed for me. If I did he would in a heartbeat, he is honestly so kind,

If he was 'honestly so kind', he'd never let you sleep on the couch due to him keeping you awake 😳

You shouldn't have to ask him.

Original poster
Feckinlego · 03/02/2025 00:00

Taking turns honestly never occurred to me! I think I've been a bit of a martyr here on reflection. Definitely need to chat to him, suppose I've been putting it off because I thought it was unfair of me to ask him. I'm all up in my head overthinking everything at the moment. Thank you all

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 03/02/2025 00:01

Well done for giving up drinking.

I agree with everyone else. Discuss it with him.

Take turns.

Definitely get yourselves something comfortable to sleep on when you are sleeping apart - an air bed or quality mattress or a quality sofabed.
Honeslty, a roll mat on a carpeted floor is more comfortable than most sofas.

YoureLucky · 03/02/2025 00:02

You were happy for your child to but not your DH? I think it's fine to tell him if he drinks he sleeps downstairs!

HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 00:03

A mattress kept behind the sofa, just cover it when guests are there you could even build a shelf over it so you can't see it. Alternatively get a proper sofa bed or get your DC a bed with a pull out trundle mattress that you can use or can be used for sleepovers when older.

But if he was that kind and lovely he'd be making lifestyle changes so you can go back to sleeping in your bed

Foxgloverr · 03/02/2025 00:07

It's not that kind to do something that you know will keep your partner awake all night. If he wants to drink so much that he snores and stinks of booze he should sleep on the sofa. If he doesn't drink he can sleep in the bed.

Lavender14 · 03/02/2025 00:08

Well done op for reclaiming your life for yourself!

I think you need to talk to him honestly and tell him the impact its having on you when he drinks and is in bed with you. He may decide he'd rather cut back in order to support the decision you've made to give up drinking. I think it's fair enough he sleeps on the sofa if he's choosing to have a drink and he knows it's triggering for you so he's doing what he wants but away from you.

Newmeagain · 03/02/2025 00:28

I would also suggest you invest in a sofa bed (I used to have a really comfortable inexpensive one from ikea) - that way you will always have the option of a spare bed. I think that’s always useful to have, for times of illness, etc.

Raynexxbow · 03/02/2025 00:28

Drinking/ snoring...both deserve the couch he's lucky you still put up with him with him tbh

Guest100 · 03/02/2025 00:43

I would say if he wants to drink during the week he has to sleep on the couch, but maybe you can take it in turns on fri and sat nights.

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