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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that even though a SAHM DH should do more around the house

49 replies

lazybum · 07/05/2008 19:18

O.k I am at home all day the dc are at school full time.
I do everything from getting up first to see to the kids as we are leaving for school he gets up..
His meal is prepared when he comes in at night just needs warming up.He leaves his plate the cassorale dish +cups by the sink

He never washes up,cleans up after himself ,makes the bed ,picks his clothes of the floor.Any ironing or even using the washing machine
Its like having a third child
(in fact even the dc don`t do that)

He comes in from work and just sits on the sofa.

I do the car things the putting together of furniture even the lightbulbs changing.
The only thing he does is the food shopping on a Saturday (because I buy junk food and go the wrong supermarket.So hes has taken over that)
It would`nt bother him living in a pig sty

Am I out of order because thats what I should do as I am the one at home????????

OP posts:

ReallyBadCrush · 07/05/2008 23:22

Tell him you want him to pick his clothes up and wash his dishes. If he doesn't do it, bag his dirty clothes and put them outside so they don't stink the house up, and serve his food on the last dirty plate he left you.

handlemecarefully · 07/05/2008 23:36

I do think it is disrespectful to drop his clothes in a heap on the floor and leave his plate by the sink (rather than wash it up or place in dishwasher).

I happily the do majority of household chores during week (think I have the soft option compared to him) but wouldn't tolerate the 'wait on me hand and foot and pick up my skanky undies' routine. Also the weekend is split household labour (since he doesn't have to do his paid work during the weekend, hence he can pitch in equally with the unpaid brain numbing menial labour!)

berrieb · 07/05/2008 23:47

Agree with spicemonster and roisin.

ReallyBadCrush · 07/05/2008 23:56

Oh whoa I didn't realise .. you get 6 hours a day with no children to look after ... this changes things a little.

He's supporting you financialy when really you are in a po9sition in which you could get a job ... so his expectng you to do everything is fair IMHO. I would expect you do be able to get everything done in that time frame too, and if you don't like being around the house all day, you could always get a job and THEN make him pull his weight.

He should put his clothes in the wash basket but wouldn't actually expect anything else.

pinkyp · 08/05/2008 00:03

i think ur name says it all.

Upwind · 08/05/2008 08:31

So you did not change a lightbulb for two weeks because you expected him to do it even though you get 6 hours a day with no children to look after? Are you sure you are not a teenager?

YABVU as a SAHM, housework is your responsibility. If you don't like that get a job and use the money to pay someone else to dow it.

Upwind · 08/05/2008 08:31

do it

peacelily · 08/05/2008 08:41

Have to agree with other posters on this. As a SAHM with kids in school then housework including lightbulbs is your responsibility.

But he could put his clothes in the laundry bin/plate in the dishwasher/wash it up. I don't think you're BU to expect him to do that. But you are if you expect more. You're not doing the kids under 5 gruelling bit at home you've got 6 hours a day without childcare or paid employment!!!

peacelily · 08/05/2008 08:41

Have to agree with other posters on this. As a SAHM with kids in school then housework including lightbulbs is your responsibility.

belgo · 08/05/2008 08:44

YABU. I consider the housework my 'job'. Dh has enough to do working full time, being a very good father at weekends, and he does a lot of DIY as well. But he does help out with the housework when I'm unwell.

Lizzylou · 08/05/2008 08:47

YABU, If you don't go out to work and the DC's are at school, he probably feels justified in leaving all the "house stuff" to you.
I would struggle with him just leaving stuff lying around (makes me remember my Mom's refrain of "It's not a hotel!"), but yes, all else is up to you, I'm afraid.

LazyLinePainterJane · 08/05/2008 08:51

Why was your automatic assumption that HE would change the light bulb? Why shouldn't you do it? And in that case, why did YOU leave it for 2 weeks before doing anything about it.

You have children in school full time. Unless you are working from home, then you should be doing everything about the house. You have plenty of time. A SAHP generally works while their partner is at work. That's what you should be doing in the time he is away.

Countingthegreyhairs · 08/05/2008 09:02

OP has already said that she does most things around the house.

Dropping your clothes on the floor is not acceptable in my view and it's lacking in respect. My dh manages to help me get dd up and off in the mornings (he supervises dressing her while I have a bath) and he works long hours, he also loads and unloads the dishwasher once a day. (I work three days a week.)

Everyone who lives in a house should contribute to its upkeep if you ask me.

Just because Op is SAHM doesn't mean she is a slave to pick up dirty underwear from the floor!! Nor does it mean that she is lying on a sofa all day twiddling her thumbs. She could be involved in any number of community projects.

Why all these reactionary postings???

LazyLinePainterJane · 08/05/2008 09:32

Well, yes she should pick his clothes up from the floor. fair enough.

The OP may be involved in community work, but she hasn't said that she is. And the postings are based on the information given. You cannot expect posters to make up information: "She might be doing X so therefore Y." We can only go on what we have been given. And that is that she has 6 free hours a day.

spicemonster · 08/05/2008 09:41

I don't think anyone's condoned him leaving his clothes on the floor have they?

Countingthegreyhairs · 08/05/2008 09:59

OK - fair enough - but just get a bit prickly about husbands who treat their homes like a hotel ... I have a lovely friend whose dh does this ... she does EVERYTHING .. from cleaning, to washing, to childcare through to DIY and gardening ...
while he sits on the terrace and reads a book ... grrrrrrrrr ... what's worse is their son is starting to copy him ....

2point4kids · 08/05/2008 10:09

i think its fair for you to do all the housework as you are at home all day with kids at school.
the leaving clothes on floor etc would annoy me though.. have you asked him to put them in the laundry basket?
Ask him once, remind him once if he forgets. If he forgets again then pick them up and put them in a bin sack out of sight in his wardrbe and dont wash them till he gets the hint!
If he complains just say you are happy to do his washing, but not to pick up after him like a child. If your dcs pick up their own dirty clothes then wave that at him as a good example!

wildhorses · 08/05/2008 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lazybum · 08/05/2008 12:03

Thankyou wildhorses and countinggreyhairs

Wildhorses are you married to my fella?

OP posts:

ProfessorGrammaticus · 08/05/2008 12:07

Naughty Quattro!!

(I know where you're coming from though - I have a friend like this)

Pavlovthecat · 08/05/2008 12:10

I think some men just cannot seem to pick clothes up from the floor - I am not sure it has a lot to do with whether you are SAHM or not!

DH and I work part time - allegedly share the cores. He just cannot do it.

bergentulip · 08/05/2008 12:11

I just expect to do the lion's share suring the week. I don't get irritated by his breakfast coffee cup, because it's just easier for me to do it with all the other dishes at a time in the day convenient to me.
But, having said that, I know that my own DH does his fair share when possible. At the weekend he has loads of time, and will be the one to clean the bathroom, or do all the cooking. However, during the week, he does very little other than play with DSs and go to work.

Can't you just ask your DH to do a couple of the things that irritate you?
Until about a month ago, I was getting silently furious and muttering under my breath all the time about all the stuff on the stairs that was never taken up/down when he passed it. It was always me. One morning I just snapped and said "oi. Is that stuff invisible to you? Why do you think I have put those things there? Just bloody well take them up with you on occasions"... Told him something annoyed me, and ever since then, he's started to pick those things up.

Just tell him every now and again. Nothing huge, just little grievances, such as 'that lightbulb needs changing. Can you do it? The new ones are in the cupboard'. It'll make a vast difference I'm sure. Silence rarely solves a problem....
Unless you have already raised your annoyance with him, in which case, entirely other matter!

LazyLinePainterJane · 08/05/2008 12:12

Ah see, the housework aside, he should still be (and should want to) helping with the children, homework, bathing, stories. They are his children too and you are supposed to look after them together.

You being at home may mean that he shouldn't have to wash up breakfast stuff but it doesn't mean he can be an absent father.

mustsleep · 08/05/2008 12:23

i am a sahm although i do work 10 hours a week and i do all the house work and washing up, ironing etc

but dh makes the tea on a night and the kid's tea and on a weekend he will do the housework (not very well, but at least he is having a go)

so i think you just need to have a word with your dh an ask him to make yur life abit easier by picking up after himself

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