Normal marriage tiffs or worse?

NattyBeaker · 2025-02-02T20:55:47+00:00

How do you know if the tiffs / arguments you have are normal / many couples have them, or if you're getting to an unhealthy amount of arguing? When do you / did you know it's time to do something about it?

comoatoupeira · 02/02/2025 20:56

When it starts affecting other areas of your life, when you start feeling worried about bigger things beyond the topics of the arguments

Ifellgretta · 02/02/2025 20:59

When the bickering feels constant, if it takes days to recover, if heated words were said.

With my ex it felt exhausting and each tiff eroded the relationship more.

With my DH, we don't really bicker (of ee do, it's with humour) and if we disagree, we talk things through. It's never exhausting or that heated.

If you're questioning it, that's enough to cause concern.

Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:01

It is exhausting. But we have a 1 year old so not sure if it's normal. I'd say enough to cause sleeping in separate rooms once a fortnight

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sweetpickle2 · 02/02/2025 21:05

I don’t think there is a “normal”. I wouldn’t tolerate any amount of regular arguing but I have a very low tolerance and would sooner be single than be in a relationship that felt like hard work- I’d rather die alone than angry.

GottaShiftThesePounds · 02/02/2025 21:07

Myself and Dh never argue / tiff ,and I mean never.
My DB and sil bicker constantly, at events. Snarky remarks , go a day or 2 without talking . It's draining being around them. I often wonder how they are still together tbh.
My parent's were the same until they divorced. Maybe that's why I refuse to be like that and dh is so laid back .

I think most marriages have arguments and it's perfectly normal though

GottaShiftThesePounds · 02/02/2025 21:08

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:01

It is exhausting. But we have a 1 year old so not sure if it's normal. I'd say enough to cause sleeping in separate rooms once a fortnight

I'd say if its causing you to sleep separately that often rather than talk things through it potentially is an issue

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/02/2025 21:08

We have never got as far as sleeping in separate rooms, so I feel sleeping in separate rooms once a fortnight is a lot. But you have a one-year-old, and that will place huge strain on your marriage. So I wouldn't make irrevocable decisions just yet.

Cheeseandcrackers40 · 02/02/2025 21:08

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:01

It is exhausting. But we have a 1 year old so not sure if it's normal. I'd say enough to cause sleeping in separate rooms once a fortnight

I think that's a big deal. I've never had a fight so bad that DH had to sleep in the other room, we've been together 20 years and have 2 kids. Definitely we were sometimes snappier with each other they were little but based on what you say I would consider counselling - it sounds like a negative cycle of arguing which will be driving a wedge/fuelling resentment between you.

You all deserve to be happy.

Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:10

I think what worries me is neither of us can really be bothered to apologise or make up properly or get to the bottom of what's causing it anymore. It's a bit depressing. It's not always bad though, we have a lot of good times too. No one can really walk anyway as we have a lo

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Cheeseandcrackers40 · 02/02/2025 21:19

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:10

I think what worries me is neither of us can really be bothered to apologise or make up properly or get to the bottom of what's causing it anymore. It's a bit depressing. It's not always bad though, we have a lot of good times too. No one can really walk anyway as we have a lo

Being blunt you need to make the effort now, the first 4-5 years of kids can be hard on a relationship - if you don't nurture it now and go on in this cycle you will wake up in 5 years with nothing left between you.

I really think you should have some marriage counselling.

BeTaupeBear · 02/02/2025 21:32

We have a 1 year old and we are tired and can snap sometimes but always able to talk things through and never sleep separately.

I think it’s important to check in with each other, have a laugh and a joke even when you’re tired … when your little one goes to bed could you take time to chat to each other?
or have you got a babysitter and could have a date night?

Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:34

Babysitters are few and far between for us which I think hasn't helped. I could make more effort to check in and do things the two of us but I honestly just can't be bothered. I can't even be bothered to care for myself I'm so exhausted! So I resent having to nurture something else too. My lo is thriving and that's all I need to know, any spare time is just house / life admin and sleep.

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Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:44

Is it ridiculous to think this should all just come naturally? Does everyone have to "work at it" ?

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Boope · 02/02/2025 21:49

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:44

Is it ridiculous to think this should all just come naturally? Does everyone have to "work at it" ?

Not inevitable. DH and I have never rowed, fallen out, shouted, slept in separate rooms in 45 years. The worst we do is some mild bickering or disagree on some political issue.

I know some people think it's normal behaviour but if I think of my parents and in laws I don't recall them ever rowing. Maybe it's a personality thing?

Endofyear · 02/02/2025 22:02

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:34

Babysitters are few and far between for us which I think hasn't helped. I could make more effort to check in and do things the two of us but I honestly just can't be bothered. I can't even be bothered to care for myself I'm so exhausted! So I resent having to nurture something else too. My lo is thriving and that's all I need to know, any spare time is just house / life admin and sleep.

It's sad that you can't be bothered. Your relationship is important and need time and effort invested to nurture it. If you want a happy life for your baby, he/she needs a happy mum and dad and the example of a healthy and loving relationship. So it's worth the effort.

Are the arguments always about the same thing? Is it just because you're both tired and snappy? Can you sit down together and ask each other what you both need to do to make life more pleasurable for each other? Say for instance, giving each other a lie in with a cup of tea or getting baby bathed and to bed so you can have a movie and takeaway night?

It's easy to fall into a pattern of bickering and resenting each other for perceived neglect or unkindness. You both need to agree to try and make things better and actively try and avoid rowing over the small stuff.

At the end of the day, your partner should be the person who you turn to for a cuddle and who lifts you up when you're down. You're a team and you pull together. If that seems impossible at the moment, it's probably worth going to marriage counselling to try and work towards that.

Sherararara · 02/02/2025 22:06

Tbf if I had a 1 yo and a spare room id probably take it turns sleeping in there every other night.

Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 22:08

That all resonates so much @endofyear but I can't seem to find the motivation or time! He suggests finding baby sitters (although doesn't actually source one) and dates and I suggest counselling and we never manage either really. We're not long married so it's quite sad. When it's good it's great but when we argue it's getting v toxic and we don't make up very well or quickly.

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Original poster

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 22:09

Sherararara · 02/02/2025 22:06

Tbf if I had a 1 yo and a spare room id probably take it turns sleeping in there every other night.

It's literally the only time I get to myself and I love it a little bit

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Eenameenadeeka · 02/02/2025 22:16

I think if you are worried that it's too much then it probably is. I've been with my husband 15 years and we sometimes disagree but we've never slept in another room over an argument. We always resolve things quickly because they're just minor disagreements. What are you arguing about?

Endofyear · 02/02/2025 22:17

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 22:08

That all resonates so much @endofyear but I can't seem to find the motivation or time! He suggests finding baby sitters (although doesn't actually source one) and dates and I suggest counselling and we never manage either really. We're not long married so it's quite sad. When it's good it's great but when we argue it's getting v toxic and we don't make up very well or quickly.

I think it's normal when you've got a little one, you're so tired and it just all feels overwhelming. It's good that you both feel like there are things that you want to do to improve your relationship, even if you're too knackered to actually follow through! If babysitting is difficult to organise, try and have a date night at home once a week - get a takeaway or cook your favourites, cuddle up and watch a funny film or have a bubble bath and massage night! Try and have some fun together and remember why you got together in the first place. Start small and try and build on it 💐

JollyHostess101 · 02/02/2025 22:23

NattyBeaker · 02/02/2025 21:01

It is exhausting. But we have a 1 year old so not sure if it's normal. I'd say enough to cause sleeping in separate rooms once a fortnight

We have an 18 month old and we are constantly bickering/falling out and a general lack of tolerance! I'm hoping it improves soon!!

StormingNorman · 02/02/2025 22:23

Being able to disagree well is the mark of a healthy relationship. When DH and I argue we apologise almost immediately, resolve it and move on within minutes. I can only think of a couple of times in nearly 20 years that we’ve had to go into separate rooms for some space to cool down.

Disagreeing isn’t bad in itself, not putting the effort into resolve things is the bigger problem.

parietal · 03/02/2025 19:32

Married 20+ years. Sleep separately occasionally to avoid the snoring but never from an argument.

I know it is hard to work on the marriage when everything else is tiring, but if you don't the relationship will get worse and cause more problems.

It is like fixing a small rip in a piece of clothing before it gets so big that it can't be fixed. It may be a hassle to get out sewing things and organise the mending but it is worth it. Much better than having to bin the clothes because you didn't fix it.