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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex changing weekends

24 replies

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 20:42

My EXH has our DD every other weekend, it's a verbal agreement and has been this way since he left 6 years ago. Since the start of the year he has announced he can't have her for 4 weekends that are due to be his within the first 6 months of 2025 (changing arrangements is not a new thing for him). However, not only is changing the arrangements disruptive for her, I have also been quite ill for the last 6 months and I've been using the time to try and recover (BC). We've been round the houses on this and I am getting more and more frustrated and angry. I can't understand how he gets to just abandon responsibilities and tell me he can't have her, when he is her parent and it is his allotted time - which let's face it is 2 days out of 14.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to handle this because I am just becoming slightly rageful! Everytime I think he's got the message that his weekends are his weekends, he announces he can't do another one.

AIBU for feeling this way? I don't know. I feel furious that he just does whatever he wants

OP posts:

Spurber · 02/02/2025 20:46

Does he swap weekends? Or just not bother?

pennydroppedtoday · 02/02/2025 20:52

Frustrating.

Does he cancel complexity or swop?

What's his reasons for the changes? If it's things like a wedding, work, illness, visit a relative, looking after a sick relative, car is broken down, burst pipes, no heating and even a concert and that's the only date he could get things like that then yes totally fine to swop and change

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 20:53

I have an older son who sees his Dad every other weekend also, so I don't like to swap the weekends as it makes everything very difficult to organise. He knows this though and understands why. He probably would swap but I need the routine with a busy life and I don't feel I'm wrong for needing that. He literally just does whatever he wants and it just feels like I'm a second class citizen. I'm not even consulted about these choices, it's just assumed I will pick up the slack, even if I have plans he just doesn't care

OP posts:

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 20:55

He doesn't disclose what any of the reasons are. There is no discussion, just a text to say that he's not having her that weekend

OP posts:

BookArt55 · 02/02/2025 20:58

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. It is probably better for your child to be with you rather than someone that is saying he doesn't prioritise her.

I would just make it more difficult for him by not being flexible and swapping weekends at a drop of a hat.

Unfortunately you can't make a parent actually be a parent and take the responsibility.

Emmie765 · 02/02/2025 21:01

I feel for your DD. It must be so upsetting for him to cancel on her like this. I know it upsets your schedule but maybe it's a good thing that DD gets more time with you when you provide the stability? If he is cancelling a lot, maybe there is something going on that would make things difficult or unhappy for her on those weekends?

Could you think about how you would change your schedule if she was with you 100%, plan for that and if he can manage a weekend then you get some extra time for yourself or other DC?

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 21:04

@BookArt55 Thank you, this is what I do at the moment. I always keep her for these weekends and I also never make the fact he has done this a big deal for her. In fact I always encourage her relationship with him, with regular FaceTimes etc. It's just been such a difficult year having been so poorly, now I've finished the chemo I just needed some time to recover. I just feel utterly frustrated which is probably why I posted on here. I agree with you about not swapping and this is what I'm going to do. Ultimately he can decide what his priorities are. I'm just a bit fed up!

OP posts:

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 21:05

@Emmie765 I think adjusting my mindset like you suggest is probably a good thing. At least if I'm expecting him to let her down, then I won't get so irritated by it.

OP posts:

CandiedPrincess · 02/02/2025 21:07

I personally don't think he's being unreasonable and he's giving you a fair amount of notice and not dropping it last minute. It sounds like his willing to swap but you're unwilling to because of your other son's arrangements. It comes across a little as you don't want to miss your weekend 'off'.

Me and my ex husband have always tried to keep flexible and help each other out with swaps when needed (or even wanted, if ex wants to go away or vice versa).

WilderHorses · 02/02/2025 21:18

Sorry @CandiedPrincess I completely disagree. He should be asking not telling OP if he can swap his weekends. OP's reasons are perfectly valid.

WilderHorses · 02/02/2025 21:21

Unfortunately though OP as others have said there's not a lot you can do if a parent doesn't want to share the parenting fairly. It stinks but that's the way it is. Are you doing maintenance through CMS? If he's not doing all his weekends you could change the number of nights in the claim.

graffittimonkey · 02/02/2025 21:23

@CandiedPrincess of course he's being unreasonable.

He only sees his DD 4 days a month and is regularly dropping 2 of those days without picking up any other days.

Do you honestly believe it's decent parenting to only see your child 2 days a month? What if the OP decided to do that as well, who would be responsible for the child the other 26 days of the month?

If the mother walked away, social services would be called in.

The OP has cancer, she's been going through chemotherapy and instead of the dad stepping up have having his child more to ensure the child doesn't have to witness their mum being poorly, he's having her less.

That's very unreasonable in my book and my sympathies are completely with you OP.

The only thing I can suggest is going to CMS with all the dates he hasn't had your DD and getting his maintenance increased because of it. A bit of extra money may help you to get some support, even if it's a cleaner in for a couple of hours.

So sorry you're going through this.

CandiedPrincess · 02/02/2025 21:28

I'd agree, but OP has said he will swap. So yes, 2 out of 14 days is shit in itself, if he swaps, he'll still be doing 2 out of 14, not less, if OP agrees to a swap.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 02/02/2025 21:34

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You can't make him take her, he just won't. He'll put his needs first, always. I'm going through the same thing myself, it's tough.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2025 21:43

If your not willing to swap weekends then I think you just have to deal with it

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 21:58

@CandiedPrincess

Sometimes these weekends are last minute, in fact he hasn't had her this weekend. Also, I like to organise things with both of my children so I don't think it's unreasonable to want them both to be here as per the plan. I would mind less if he'd call and have a sensible conversation or at least explain why but there is none of that. It's just a text saying he can't have her, also not always the offer to swap weekends. I don't think it's reasonable at all.

I mean what would happen if I just rang him on a Monday and said, I can't have her today sorry. Would he jump to attention? No he wouldn't. These weekends have been in the diary for the last 6 years, why is it ok for him to just announce he can't have her when he is her parent?

OP posts:

WilderHorses · 02/02/2025 22:07

Is he in a new relationship? Men often drop their children and prioritise a new woman.

mitogoshigg · 02/02/2025 22:17

Whilst he should be asking rather than telling you, I don't think it's unreasonable to need to change schedules sometimes, things come up. Why not try being a bit more flexible but also explain to him you need him to step up to help you whilst you recover.

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 22:21

I'm quite happy to be flexible, I'm a reasonable person but this isn't flexible, I just get no say in it at all. And for it to be 1/3 of the overall time he was meant to have her in the first 3 months of the year, surely that's not ok. Anyway, thanks all for the messages.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2025 22:31

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You can ask him to pay for a babysitter or her activities to keep her busy that weekend but he can just say no.
You could also say 'now that you're just doing one a month on average we'll change it to one a month going forwards for consistency' but then everyone loses out and you can rest.

GreenYellowBrown · 02/02/2025 22:36

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but there’s literally nothing you can do. If he doesn’t turn up then that’s that really 🤷‍♀️ I’m in
no way condoning it, just to be clear.

I know the heartbreak of it from the perspective of a child when my dad didn’t turn up and I’d be looking out the window for him. Then, as an adult, I had the same with my son and his dad used to not bother with him. One time it was for 2.5 years!

The best thing you can do is make sure you have fun with her on your ‘bonus’ weekends. He’s the one missing out after all.

Guest100 · 02/02/2025 22:37

I would just say that’s ok. And let him miss the weekends.

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 22:38

@Unexpectedlysinglemum It is absolutely that, as I wouldn't want her to do that anyway, she's an absolute delight to spend time with. I just get frustrated as I make a plan, whatever that is, and he just feels so entitled that he can change that on a whim. It's a completely no win situation, for anyone, my DD or me, just for him!

OP posts:

Original poster

sandybeaches74 · 02/02/2025 22:40

@GreenYellowBrown I'm sorry, it's utterly shit and I think unless you experience it, you can't empathise. I do love my extra time with her and I think she loves it too, it's him missing out. Just frustrating as it sounds like you know all too well

OP posts:

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