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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushing new boyfriend away.. even though I adore him. Why?

11 replies

brownbreadd · 02/02/2025 19:58

I am in a new relationship of 8 months, after splitting from my now ex husband of 12 years.

I adore this man so much. He's kind, caring, considerate.. he loves me and proves this to me daily. Yet I find myself feeling more and more resentful towards him, pushing him away.. and when he asks me what's wrong I can't explain it.

I know it's hurting him, I can see it in his eyes, but I can't stop it! What is wrong with me?! I don't want to loose him, I love him so much. But when he asks me what's the matter I have no words, yet feel so much inside that I can't compute into any kind of sense.

To add context we have been in a long distance relationship for 7 months and just relocated to a new country together, 4 weeks ago. Maybe this adds to my feeling of just complete overwhelm?

My relationship with my ex wasn't the best. We weren't particularly happy and it's been a messy and horrible ending / divorce. I feel like my new partner is too good for me. He could have anybody he wants.. I don't understand why he's chosen me. I'm over weight, below average looks... I just don't understand it.

Anyway, I'm worried that me feeling this way is going to push him away.

Has anybody else experienced this? Am I going to push him so far that he decides to leave?!

OP posts:
Hairybear1 · 02/02/2025 20:00

No advice I’m afraid but I sometimes feel this with my partner I think it’s maybe down to low self esteem/ previously abusive relationship.
Its the first healthy relationship iv ever been in and I don’t know how to handle it sometimes.

Original poster
brownbreadd · 02/02/2025 20:03

@Hairybear1 I think maybe this is how I'm feeling, too.. I'm not used to somebody actually loving me. It isn't something I had in my previous relationship.

He shows genuine concern and compassion and yet I find myself pushing him away. He's just left the house this evening because I told him to go, and leave me alone.. baring in mind we are in a new country I feel so guilty. I don't think I even mean it. I just feel so overwhelmed and I can't explain why.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 02/02/2025 20:07

You've moved to a new country with someone you've been with for less than a year? Outside the home nations?

Are you regretting doing it? Don't take it out on him whatever you do, it's not his fault

menopausalmare · 02/02/2025 20:07

I think you're testing his commitment to you.

Whatabouthow · 02/02/2025 20:08

Did you know him before you started your long distance relationship? This all seems to have moved really fast. Did you want to move?

Original poster
brownbreadd · 02/02/2025 20:09

AgnesX · 02/02/2025 20:07

You've moved to a new country with someone you've been with for less than a year? Outside the home nations?

Are you regretting doing it? Don't take it out on him whatever you do, it's not his fault

Yes I know it sounds crazy. I don't really know how to explain it but it's like we've known each other years. Sounds childish I know.
I've had a really nasty few years with my ex and when the opportunity arose for me to move away for work, he decided to come along and get work here himself too, so we can make a go of our relationship.

We've been having a really wonderful time until tonight where I just can't put my finger on what the problem is.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownbreadd · 02/02/2025 20:11

menopausalmare · 02/02/2025 20:07

I think you're testing his commitment to you.

Maybe that's it. I just feel this burning anger inside and I don't know why!

OP posts:
flipflop76 · 02/02/2025 20:12

Avoidant attachment style? All really understandable xx

username299 · 02/02/2025 20:18

You don't really know him. You've only really started spending substantial time together and perhaps you're not as into him as you thought you were. Sometimes we can't see clearly at the start of a relationship but our intuition does.

Original poster
brownbreadd · 02/02/2025 20:20

I guess it could be that reality is now settling in.. this isn't a 'holiday' anymore. It's real like for us. Rent, bills, work.. we aren't used to living together so it's all new.

I really do adore him, and he clearly reciprocates.. I just don't know why I'm feeling so much hurt and anger when he's really done nothing wrong. I can't understand myself!

OP posts:
FinneganFois · 02/02/2025 20:41

OP, I could have written your post. In my case I felt guilty being happy, did not think I deserved to be happy after a failed marriage.
I moved home too, so I can fully understand, you are probably thinking about your old life, and this new life, in a new location, and a new, loving partner are compounding how you feel, as things have happened quite quickly.
Just explain to your OH you feel overwhelmed, it doesn't mean you think less of him, you are just trying to adjust to your new life.
Love the One you are with.

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