Should there be a time limit imposed on people talking about their divorces?

[Bodenne]

Especially when you weren’t around for the divorce, don’t know the ex etc. It’s kind of boring and repetitive?

I know you’re gonna say good friend blah blah blah, but it’s just so bloody boring.

Other than this person concerned is a delight.

That's a boundary you need to put in place surely?

I think it’s fine to suggest to a friend that perhaps this is something they should look for professional help with, because whilst you’ve been happy to be a shoulder to cry on, they clearly still have things to work through which you aren’t qualified or comfortable doing, and the negative tone of your meets is affecting the friendship.

I’ve had to do it in the past, “Kate, look, I love you and I really want to be able to enjoy spending more time with you, because when you’re feeling good about yourself you’re an amazing woman and we have a ball; but when all you want to talk about is Damian and what a shitbag he was whenever we hang out, and are unnecessarily hard on yourself, it makes me feel a bit down - and then all that happens whenever we spend time together is that we’re both in a low mood and talking about rubbish experiences. That isn’t good for either of our moods, or our friendship” - and then suggested some types of counselling that other friends have had and recommended.

Why just divorces? Surely by this logical you could put a time limit on any topic?

Do divorces in particular make you uncomfortable?

I'm divorced. Some people are very uncomfortable even acknowledging it. We had children together so people don't realise that the issues continue because I still have to deal with my ex husband on a regular basis.

People have all sorts of unresolved things going on in their lives, yes listening to it gets boring for other people but imagine what it's like for the person going through it!

Can it apply to new houses, dogs, sports teams, reality TV programmes, exercise regimes... Or are we restricting it to conversations about divorce?

Because if it's the former, I have a few prople I need to issue fines to. No, DD, I don't give a shit about who was in the jungle or who is a traitor so please stop telling me

Love it.

Yes, obviously I do listen and make the right noises, but I think it’s complicated by the fact that she thinks I know all about it and I’m really not interested because it’s personal and it’s a bit embarrassing. Plus the kids are adults now.
The comparison to grief was an interesting one because I’ve been through that with a couple of friends. I like to think I’ve been very thoughtful, you know marked the day for the next couple of years and so on

There should be a limit on anything which a person chooses to dominate conversation in a friendship with, once the initial event has taken place. Good stuff and bad.

Imposed by who?

Themselves, I suppose, unless it’s a brief explanation about why something happened.

Gosh, I didn’t ask for @Fuhjutvb post to be deleted! It was pretty harmless

Lol @BeaAndBen

yes ! You’ve got a point

Well it would be unreasonable to tell a person they can't speak about any topic of their choosing, but you don't have to listen to it.

Its difficult if you've become the person they unburden themselves to, you expect people to begin to feel better and not keep covering old ground but not everyone manages to move on.

I do think PP nails it that a good friend will say they think you need professional help but I still think it'll be hard to stop them talking to you about it without hurting their feelings.

I have a couple of long term friends who have had difficulties and every conversation is a rant about how much the world is against them. I now think of it as an appointment where my job is to nod and make it through, there's nothing in it for me anymore but I hope one day they'll feel better.

That sounds nice @ChangingHistory
i’m just surprised every time I meet her we go back to this and I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about so I just do all the nodding and “yes that sounds tricky” but thinking oh for God sake I don’t care about your divorce. You’ve got a new partner, you’re fine. Why are we still talking about it?

I've got a male friend like this. Split with wife 4yrs ago and never stops talking about her and telling me dates...her birthday, wedding anniversary, her mums birthday?, date she left. Absolutely fixated on her.

I've told him to get counselling but want to scream at him 'let it go'

I've just dropped a friend for this....

Well we'd already drifted and then she got in contact 4 years ago to let me know she was getting divorced. We were close many years and she clearly needed friendship so I stepped up to support her. But 4 years on and it's still all she talks about. I also don't like her destructive behaviour now. She never asks how I am.. .. I've also gone through a terrible last 12 months but she literally has no idea as she never asks.

So I'm done!

Good for you!

This. the same could be said of bereavement or any loss/change

people forget that all divorces are a massive change and therefore there’s a process to go through to adjust to that change. Just like the grief pathway.

some get there quicker, others take longer

and some people find they loose friends after they’ve experienced bereavement, cos those “friends” get bored too.

no easy answer. As some people don’t want to be dragged down by people’s long “journey” to acceptance. Some people are not cut out for it. Try some boudaries but it’ll probably end in friendship ending anyway.

I did end up telling one of my very close friends that she needed to either get therapy or get over it as her divorce was consuming her years later, when he had remarried and she had instigated the divorce in the first place. I had the upmost sympathy for her but, at some point, you have to own your own life and she just wasn't.

We are still friends!

I understand that for many instances divorce is like a bereavement. Must be bloody awful.

But if by then you’re living with a new partner surely out of respect for the new relationship you need to park the old one. It can’t be that interesting for years and years.