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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should she just leave???

22 replies

Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 12:14

Posting about my very good friend who is not on here and who will not listen to me. She has been in a relationship with this guy for years and living with him in his house for a good while too. They have a very small baby. I cannot go into the reasons but she decided to leave him, and she totally should but she is leaving with a small baby and having only recently gone back to work she is literally scrambling around trying to find money to move out/ work around having her baby whilst he is just planning on staying in the massive house that he owns and so far has offered her ZERO help. She just wants to leave and forget about him and apply for maintenance once she is out of there and he has declared himself finally as to how much time he actually wants to spend with his child. I think this is crazy. He should be helping her with a lump sum or he should move out of the house not her. I know they are not married but there is a baby involved and it’s such a d*k move to leave the mother just fending for herself. AIBU to think this??

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/02/2025 12:17

It sounds like it’s his house, why should he move out of his own house?

Findacleverusername · 02/02/2025 12:20

Morally you are right but in reality this scenario seems common when relationships break up. Presumably his uncaring attitude is part of the reason for the break up.
And if it is his house he has no requirement leave it legally.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2025 12:20

Well he “should” help her to get set up in a new rental place with a lump sum, but I don’t think he should move out of his own house?

I’m one of the posters who’s always banging on about making sure you’re married before having kids and being told I’m from the 50s or whatever, but situations like this are precisely why it’s important.

Unfortunately he’s well within his legal rights to give her nothing more than child maintenance and to kick her out with virtually no notice if he chooses.

HPandthelastwish · 02/02/2025 12:23

They decided to have a baby outside of marriage and this is the consequences. It's his house he doesn't need to move out. He does need to pay maintenance but even that he may well wrangle out of.

Be there for her, help her practically if you can but it's her life. As the baby is so small it won't remember the next few years which will be a bit tricky but once mum is sorted she'll be fine.

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 12:26

The only thing that he is required to do if they aren't married is to pay CSA. This is the unfortunate situation she is in.

As a lone parent I really feel for her, it's going to be really tough if he doesn't meet any moral or legal obligations.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/02/2025 12:29

What he should do is not the same as what he will do.

She has to plan based on reality, not on what someone ought to do

gamerchick · 02/02/2025 12:32

You're saying she's not listening to you. What have you suggested?

XWKD · 02/02/2025 12:34

Why would he leave his house?

Coconutter24 · 02/02/2025 12:35

I know they are not married but there is a baby involved

Unfortunately there is the problem. They are not married and it is his house so no he doesn’t really have to do anything. She’s not entitled to his house so she has to go and find her own. Also hard to really give an opinion based on what he should do morally (of course he doesn’t have to do anything based on morals) whilst we don’t know the reason for leaving.

It would also be interesting to know what advice your given her that she’s not listening to because it sounds like she already has a plan in place

Original poster
Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 12:40

I didn’t mean he should leave her the house but help her with the move as he earns really well and she has just spent a few months off work

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/02/2025 12:44

Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 12:40

I didn’t mean he should leave her the house but help her with the move as he earns really well and she has just spent a few months off work

Honestly this is the issue with not being married, his earnings are irrelevant because she’s not entitled to any of them with the exception of child maintenance, and the house is also his so she’s not entitled to that either.

Morally it does really depend on the reason they’ve split up. I’m married so it is different but if I wasn’t and decided to leave because I’d fell out of love or the relationship had just run it’s course then I wouldn’t expect my partner to give me the house or give me money to leave, it would be my choice and so my responsibility to figure that out.

Financially it depends what is doable as well, earning really well doesn’t always mean lots of money in the bank to give out in a lump sum as you suggest, and she’s actually not entitled to any of it as not married anyway.

Her plan is the only plan she has really, get herself set up somewhere else and then claim CMS.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/02/2025 12:45

It's his house.She is moving out, he has no legal obligation to do anything in this situation at all apart from pay maintenance. I do have sympathy but that is the reality of an married couple separating even with a baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2025 12:48

She just wants to leave and forget about him and apply for maintenance once she is out of there

And she’s right. So what bad advice have you been giving her?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/02/2025 13:17

Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 12:40

I didn’t mean he should leave her the house but help her with the move as he earns really well and she has just spent a few months off work

But unfortunately he has no legal obligation to do so so it’s entirely up to him whether he chooses to help her out or not. Again, unfortunately he has no legal obligation to support her being off work other than paying child maintenance.

A friend of mine got pregnant and started demanding that the father paid half of the cost of her having a year off and was furious and shocked when he refused and she had no way to make him.

The sad fact is unfortunately unmarried fathers have pretty much no financial responsibilities other than child maintenance.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/02/2025 14:25

Do not have a child without being married. Why don’t some women ever seem to learn this. Her plan - move out and claim CMS - is really the only game in town here, he has no responsibility to do anything else. Do I agree with that? No, of course not - but I know it’s the reality.

RedHelenB · 02/02/2025 16:35

Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 12:40

I didn’t mean he should leave her the house but help her with the move as he earns really well and she has just spent a few months off work

She needs to put the claim in for child maintenance asap.

Msmoonpie · 02/02/2025 17:28

This is why you shouldn’t have a baby with someone without being married first.

Original poster
Londonbridge583 · 02/02/2025 19:09

I was hoping someone on here has heard about an application you can make under the Children’s Act (cannot remember the exact name name of the law). I swear I’ve read it on here that you can apply to court for an order for a lump sum?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 04/02/2025 06:54

I don't think that's true OP, but pop a question in the legal section or follow Legal Queen on Facebook she might have already answered it.

Your friend might have already consulted a family solicitor and know she's only entitled to CSA.

jeaux90 · 04/02/2025 06:57

www.facebook.com/share/r/19yhvC4i2h/?mibextid=wwXIfr

You are right!

AndSoFinally · 05/02/2025 19:22

That tends only to be where there's a lot of money or the child is disabled. It's not really for the average Joe type families

2025willbemytime · 05/02/2025 19:26

There's a lot he should do morally but she should have done something too - not had his baby without being married. Hopefully someone will read this and make a better, smarter choice.

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