Another in laws one

[Namechageforthis2025]

Name change for this as too outing otherwise.
so for context, one child and currently expecting no2.
when first child was born MIL insisted on visiting at a time convenient to her, despite us asking her to come at another time (still recovering etc). When she came she refused to wash her hands before holding the baby, belittled everything that her son asked her to do - think handwashing, leaving baby in bassinet when asleep, calling people on FaceTime and putting the phone in the baby’s face. Also wanted to be up at 11pm talking nonsense when we were consciously trying to get to bed early knowing the baby was feeding very frequently and took a while to settle after.
new baby due soon, feeling very anxious thinking about MIL behaviour (also some of DH siblings too) and their complete disregard of what we want to do. how do I manage this?
also doesn’t help that the obsession in the family is with small babies, very little interest in our current child as is no longer a baby. MIL hasn’t visited our child since but always nagging dh to visit and wants photos which I know she shares on FB and with everyone despite her knowing this isn’t something we do or are ok with.
im genuinely anxious thinking about what’s coming with the new baby and don’t know how best to handle it?
any advise please.
TIA

You have the control of the situation, not her. Don't tell her you've had the baby if that would make it easier. Don't open your door to her. She's not your boss

Lock the door and don't answer it when she asks to visit....

If you and your dh both agree on this it's time to draw your line in the sand.

He needs to have a chat with her and tell her very clearly what your boundaries are and that is she doesn't listen she won't be allowed to see you.

And stop sending her photos.

Good luck

It is boundaries and sadly at a time you won't feel like placing them.

So she wont wash her hands she doesn't get to hold baby. She takes baby without permission pick baby from her arms and clearly state. "I told you not to do this"

Facetime with iPad in baby's head. Hand in front of iPad and clear firm. "We said not to do that" basically treat her like your toddler. Though your toddler will likely be less work.

Oh and expect a tantrum over it.

Edited for spelling

All this. And if she's still there when you want to go to bed early, just tell her you're going to bed and leave her alone.

Can you and dh arrange to stay with your mum for the baby's first week or so? Or ask your mum to come and stay, and act as guard dog.

If your dh agrees with you, simply tell his family that you won't be seeing anyone for the first two weeks due to a 'difficult birth' and leave the door locked.

Buy a door wedge. If your vile in-laws turn up, you and baby retreat to your bed room, jam the door and leave your dh to get rid of them. Physically prevent them from getting to you. Make it clear you will not tolerate their invasion of your safe space.

I hate the selfish arrogance and bullying.. Relatives throwing their weight around when you are at your most vulnerable. YANBU

This - problem solved.

Thanks all, really appreciate it.
DH does address things on occasion with her- only when she really pushes too far but I have heard her shout him down on the phone which makes me feel awful because it shows how bossy and overbearing she can be. I think it hurts too because of how little interest there is in any of the grandchildren once they’re past the toddler stage. So in a way I suppose I feel like I’m trying to protect from our child(ren) feeling discarded once they’re not a doll in a bassinet or buggy (not my view but what I think she sees)

Are you a wet lettuce in other areas of your life or is it just around your MIL?

"No, you can't hold the baby. Please wash your hands."
"We're off to bed now. See you in the morning. Here's the telly remote if you're staying up."
"No, that date wouldn't work. You'd be welcome the Friday after next."

It's not hard, just state your bourndaries. It's your home, it's your child, you are the ones in control.

I wouldn't be announcing the birth for a start and then all the advice from above.

I have heard her shout him down on the phone which makes me feel awful because it shows how bossy and overbearing she can be. I think it hurts too because of how little interest there is in any of the grandchildren once they’re past the toddler stage.

This isn't normal or healthy behaviour. She's rude or off her rocker. Don't worry about offending her. Don't worry about her feelings. Don't worry about being nice to her.

She isn't worried about your or your family's feelings. Stop putting her wishes above your own

Thanks all. I would say I am usually quite clear with people so I think the reason I struggle here is because what DH and I both say is completely disregarded and undermined. I’ve got some helpful tips now and at least I can broach the subject again with DH to form a plan as opposed to me just getting upset and possibly ranting!

Surely you could say all this without calling OP a wet lettuce? Post-partum women can feel very vulnerable and not well enough or confident enough to lay down the law with a very unreasonable MIL. Why can't people ask for advice without being insulted?

What would happen if you went no contact with her and completely cut her off? It doesn't sound as though she brings anything positive at all to the lives of you, your DH or your children. She doesn't show any interest at all once the children are past the baby stage so they wouldn't be missing anything if you stopped seeing her.

Even if you don't do this, I certainly wouldn't have her to stay in my home. If you tell her that she needs to stay in a hotel, she probably won't come.

Your husband really let you down by not standing up for you the first time round. No one gets to invite themselves to your home, say no and mean it. It might be uncomfortable but once you start taking control it does get easier.

You both need to sit down and think how you want to treat your children and how you want them to act around you.

Then work through how she acts and what you want to teach your child about it.

Eg the shouting is not what you should do to your DH/child. They can only control your choice to shout only chose how to react.

She has been taught and in turn taught your DH that shouting in their relationship is ok. Now he is an adult he needs to change the rules of their relationship.

And as @Enko etc pointed out have a plan of action in place for what she has done in the past.

Start as you mean to go and dont set yourselves to fail, so if she is creating a digital footprint and you and DH dont want that, change your actions. Stop sending out any digital images to anybody and stop people from taking digital images each and every time you notice it happening. DH can buy her a photo album the print and post.

@Namechageforthis2025 why does she have to stay with you?? tell her she needs to book into an hotel! neither you nor your dh should be sending any more pics!!

Fair enough.

I think a lot of people don't think of themselves as wet lettuces when they are allowing others to walk all over them; they think they are 'people pleasers', peacemakers or just polite. I think calling out such stuff as "Mate, you're being a doormat and not the Nice Well Brought Up Girl you tell yourself you're being," is useful. Heaven knows I needed to be told it repeatedly when I was younger. (Menopause thankfully turned me into the harridan I am today)

However, if it's too mean, I accept that.

OP, you are the one in control. You are the parent. Remember that and stand up for your baby and your boundaries. You don't have to tolerate any nonsense from your MIL. If she doesn't like it, she's welcome to stay at home.

(edited for typos from sticky keys. I really need to clean this laptop)

I had the turning up invasive, camera in newborns face etc with my exh's nan with my firstborn.

We were only 24 and didn't have the nerve to speak up. Wish we had. She even tried to get onto the ward when I was labouring. She only knew because I went early and she helped my mum grab things I needed.

Do speak up. Set the boundaries. I was exhausted the first time and when I had Mt second I arranged that everyone would come at the same time on the same day and stay an hour then bugger off. My family were really good about it.