Thoughtless sister in law

[Leliz92]

For the last couple of years my sil has ignored my child’s birthday.
Last year her and her toddler were invited to his birthday party and she never replied, never turned up and never said why. 7 weeks later a birthday present appeared. This year she didn’t come to his party and even though we’ve seen her since she said she forgot his present and would get it to him soon. We’re still waiting 3 weeks later. Even my son has commented on it. She’s my husbands little sister and has always been quite spoilt and selfish and the family have probably contributed to this by never pulling her up on it. She would never do this with some of the other children in the family and I’ve never missed her son’s birthday. I would
love to tell her how thoughtless I think she is but it’s a family where people
dont talk about their feelings and it would probably cause more issues but I find it really hard to let go of and it makes me feel really negative. This is just the icing on the cake of lots of years of silent treatment and rude behaviour from her and I’m just really fed up.

I would just ignore it. Let your husband deal with it and he can sort out presents for her and her family. Definitely don’t tell her, it will look bad on you for causing drama when it’s not your family. Just physically and mentally hand everything over for your husband to deal with.

Well she won't change if everyone let's her behave like this.

Next year if she starts talking about presents stop her and ask her not to make hollow promises she won't honour. She promised a birthday gift last year but it never materialised and to please not upset your child by doing the same this year.

Or next time you meet as a family, in front of everyone ask her, - have you remembered DCs birthday present? He was asking if you would & it is very late, his birthday was 5 months ago.

Is her partner/DH not involved at all?

Simply assume that she doesn’t want to exchange gifts for your your child and take the same approach with hers

My BIL has been the same with my son. Presents turning up weeks late etc. We have never hidden how erratic my BIL is, from our son. We have said to him, there may be occasions your present is late or may never come. We don't miss his 4 children's birthdays/Christmas presents/cards. Money for him has been an issue in the past, and we have never felt it's our place to demand he buy a present for our son. Instead we've managed our son's expectations.

You’re giving her too much power. By analysing her behaviour and having expectations of her you’re creating a worsening of the situation. Just distance yourself from her and stop caring about it. If your dc asks just say she’s forgetful and change the subject . They’ll soon stop asking plus if you don’t see her she won’t be saying about gifts that never materialise

Yes. It’s no big deal, surely? If your DH has issues with her, let him deal with them. (And if he’s got particularly aggrieved by her, ask yourself why you are?) Not your circus, not your monkeys etc.

I wouldn't worry about this. It's your husbands sister so leave him deal with her. Tell your son not everyone does presents and that's ok. It's really only an issue if you make it an issue.
If you want to get her son a present then do so and if you don't then don't. However, don't get him one with the expectation that his Mum has to get one for your child.

I’d explain to your DS that his Aunt doesn’t always give birthday gifts, it doesn’t matter and no-one should ask for or expect gifts.

Then I’d chat with your DH and say going forward if he wants to buy his nephew or sister gifts, then he buys them himself. You’re not getting involved with reminders, suggestions, etc.

Then I’d try and put it all out of my head. Not your circus anymore.

Same with her rude behaviour. Only engage with her when you have to. A hello and smile, how are you when you meet and that’s it, job done.

I have no relationship with my in laws. My sil is a totally selfish women and I have never been able to gel with any of them, despite being polite to them, as expected, when you know someone's not interested.

They make ignorant comments and never come to visit/ let us visit them ( did once and then it fizzled from her end) she also has no interest or relationship with her other 2 siblings (brothers) some people are just horrible and don't care about anyone but themselves.

You are not being unreasonable to feel that way.

Just take it at face value. She has no interest in engaging and match by not getting her DC anything. Don't worry about it.

This. I wouldn’t show it upset me, I would just do the same.

Thanks everyone, it’s not about the gift itself as I really don’t care about that. It’s the fact that she makes a big fuss of the other nieces and nephews and would never miss their birthdays. When she’s invited to their parties she goes overboard saying she wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just feel like it’s showing disrespect to us and it’s not fair for her to take her issues out on my son. I think I’m just going to have to try and not let it bother me.