My ASD son keeps lieing about being hurt and it’s worrying me

[Ricecakesaremyjam]

My son has just turned 5, has a diagnosis of ASD with a suspected PDA profile.
In the last couple of days, he has said two things which are totally untrue but if he were to repeat them to someone I worry would get him and his siblings taken into care! Firstly him and his sister were playing with a toy sword and shield set and he whacked his sister with the sword. She started crying and he immediately became hysterical (others crying is always a trigger for him) and as I comforted her and was also trying to calm him down while telling him to say sorry etc he was going nuts saying “you did it! You hit her with the sword! It wasn’t me!”
then just now as I dried him off after his bath, he was jumping on the bed, I told him not to in case he fell off which he then did and cried, but he immediately shouted his dad had pushed him off the bed - his dad was downstairs cooking dinner, nothing to do with it!
Im scared if he were to randomly tell someone we had hit him/pushed him whatever that suddenly we would be under investigation?! I have a really anxious nature and am definitely feeling the stress of life recently, does anyone have any advice/able to talk me out of this anxious state please?! Thanks xx

I have no advice but would suggest asking his senco for advice from the school ed psych. The senco might even have experienced this before.

I’d get cameras set up in the house. It will protect you if there is an investigation and it might also help to be able to show examples of behaviours that are of concern when you’re talking to medical professionals or looking to get him the right educational support.

Send what you've said here into his SENCo for advice. If he makes things up about you, he'll make them up about school staff too. I was once TAing and the child was hammering a bit of metal, did not hit himself, the class teacher wasn't at the table and the child started crying and saying I'd hit him with a hammer - fortunately there were three other children on the table who saw exactly what happened but he went around telling every adult he came into contact with that Id hit him. I ofcourse reported the incident immediately but yes that momentary moment if panic that Id lose my job over his lie did flood through me.

Document it, report it and ask for help. This should also help protect you/make teachers dig deeper to find a trigger.

DON'T ask your senco. He/she may also be a safeguarding officer at school and if they happen to be listening out for him, they could then have to report you to social services which you are trying to avoid.

Have you tried the PDA society website for advice? I think they would be a lot more understanding and not have any responsibility to report you! You need an ally not an enemy.

Hi OP. I'm interested in your thread. Our son is 7 and is on the waiting list for ADHD and ASD assessment (we have been told he is very likely to get the ADHD diagnosis, possibly the ASD as well as he has some traits). He started doing exactly this a few months ago. If he hurts himself in any way while disregulated the focus of the meltdown will immediately flip to absolute rage at one of us for hurting him. He has reported to school that my DH hit him and also once that he threw him into the floor - I was there for both occasions and it was first my DH blocking his aggression with open hands and the second he fell during the meltdown.

I asked his therapist about this and she said she thinks he has issues with ordering events especially when heightened in any way. So the last thing that happens to him is the thing he remembers and he can't accurately remember the events leading up to it. In addition, he feels shame about his behaviour and tries to find somewhere else to lie the blame in order to remove the shame because the shame is so uncomfortable for him. Both these explanations made sense to me.

It's bloody hard though, isn't it.

What weird responses! Just mention it to the Cenco if he’s doing it at home he’ll be doing it at school as well whatever strategy they’re using you can use as well. Plus some children get their pronouns muddled up they say I when they mean you, et cetera.

Hi @Ricecakesaremyjam

Yes blame can be a thing with ASD. At about that age I remember my DS blaming me when he was trying to put his Lego together and it broke - I wasn't in the room at the time!

DC's clinical psychologist explained it as my DC having a kind of "bubble" around him and everything inside that bubble had to be perfect. If anything went wrong - if DC made a mistake or something broke or hurt someone or I told him off - then the quickest way to push the bad thing outside the bubble was to blame someone else.

If that's what's going on the then good news is, it's fairly unlikely that he will make something up about home and tell people at school. The downside is, he might blame someone else at school if he's told off for something he's done there. It's worth talking to the SENCO.

DS took a very long time and a lot of support to learn to say "sorry" for things he did. To start off with I didn't push him to admit things. There was a consequence which he would resist like crazy, but once he'd accepted the consequence that meant he'd at least accepted to himself that he'd done it. Later the school started him off with a card saying "sorry" on it that he could hold up(!) He got the hang of apologising but older than most kids.

This is not unusual in children with ASD OP, it's likely anxiety driven and an attempt to regain control and feel safe again after the incident. Difficulty with emotional regulation, poor theory of mind, sensory issues and difficulty with communicating probably all feed into it.
I would talk to school about it, it will be useful for them to be aware that it's an issue that might affect children or adults at school and that it's ASD related.

Tell his therapist/GP so that you cover your back. Also talk to the teacher and ask if he does this in school. It's important that everybody is aware of this behaviour.

Sounds like he feels threatened in some way and wants to deflect responsibility for it because he knows he’s done wrong and doesn’t like you telling him off. When he lies, be careful not to label him a liar but instead just say something like ‘You know that’s not true. Just be a bit more careful next time or you’ll hurt yourself/ your sister etc’ and let him know that if he lies it could have bad consequences. Repeat variations of this until it stops..