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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

lilytuckerpritchet · 01/02/2025 15:41

I haven't read everything but just to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. A women I know has been through this her son did get accepted into care but even then it's been a rough ride. Firstly he got somewhere nearby seemed a great fit until they said they couldn't meet need. Then he got moved nearly two hours away. Then they couldn't meet need. He got moved back to our area but put in an air bnb with two carers 24 hours a day . I haven't seen her since but I believe he's in a local residential now. It's been a complete nightmare for them.

GordonLaChance · 01/02/2025 21:01

Would it be worth setting up nanny cams throughout your house to video document his behaviour? Perhaps if the professionals can see long term evidence of just how difficult life is rather than just a snapshot here and there, it might help your case?

Could temporary foster care be an option where he's the only child. Just to give you all a break for a couple of weeks and a chance to regroup..
Apologies if this has already been discussed.
I wish you all the best, it sounds so incredibly difficult.

drspouse · 01/02/2025 21:35

Unfortunately temporary foster care is not just available if you want it and OP has already shown videos that professionals do not want to see.

I wanted to pop on and say I'm still thinking of you.

I went to London for the day and saw four different friends who I've known for over 20 years each (all from student days but only two are each other's friends if that makes sense). One is herself a SENCO and they were all really pleased to hear about the progress DS has made. It really is possible considering the last time I talked to one of them we were thinking residential school was the only option and now DS has got after school activities he likes, and it's much more enjoyable to have him at home.

So do please have hope - but it's been a long haul and lots of different things haven't worked (and lots of professionals have been useless and patronising).

Original poster
Crumplesock · 02/02/2025 07:23

Already have video evidence and every professional has refused to look at it unfortunately

Also, already requested temporary support and asked for some help even under Section 20 of the Children's Act. That's gone completely ignored.

School issued us with a notice letter that unless he attends on Monday at 9am they'll be prosecuting us.

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Original poster
Crumplesock · 02/02/2025 07:25

Thank you @drspouse , I do keep thinking about the things you have said and whilst there's been disagreements between us on here I am grateful for your words and does give me hope to know there's been such change for your family

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drspouse · 02/02/2025 14:54

Ignore the letter, my understanding is they are auto-generated.

Hollowvoice · 02/02/2025 15:36

@Crumplesock I'm sorry you're going through this. I posted last night about my current struggles then read more of your thread, I know how overwhelmed and exhausted I am and I can't imagine your level.
I admire your tenacity, it must be hard to keep fighting in the face of such stonewalling from places which are supposed to be there to help.

BrightYellowTrain · 02/02/2025 18:34

I wouldn’t ignore the letter.

The fact the school has mentioned prosecution (which they are being misleading about because it isn’t the school who prosecutes) suggests the absences are not being recorded correctly. It suggests the absences are being recorded as unauthorised when they must be recorded as authorised. Authorised absences will not lead to fines/prosecution.

Email reminding the school the absences must be authorised. The Regulations (School Attendance (Pupil Registration) (England) Regulations 2024) make it clear where a pupil is absent because they are unable to attend due to sickness the absence must be regarded as authorised. DfE’s statutory attendance guidance also states absence due to illness (physical and mental health related) must be coded as I.

Go on to say that as DS is not receiving an alternative suitable full-time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and an EHCNA has only recently been requested by you/the LA originally refused to assess, the school and LA could have done and still can do more to support DS with his needs arising from their disability.

RudbekiasAreSun · 02/02/2025 19:11

well, may be if the school and LA decide to prosecute you for his < absences > at least you can get heard....

WeightLossGoal2024 · 02/02/2025 22:01

No advice but bumping incase anyone with knowledge sees your threads.

I feel your family are being so let down Flowers

RobertaFirmino · 02/02/2025 23:29

Let them try and prosecute you. Seriously, let them. Any judge could see that you have tried and tried and tried. Then tried and tried some more. You need to be heard at the highest level.

Original poster
Crumplesock · 03/02/2025 06:52

NGL I am nervous though, as if this ends in a criminal conviction I'll lose my job as its incompatible with having a conviction

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Original poster
Crumplesock · 03/02/2025 06:52

I wonder if they know that. Probably not. Not sure they know what I do.

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DurinsBane · 03/02/2025 18:22

Crumplesock · 02/02/2025 07:23

Already have video evidence and every professional has refused to look at it unfortunately

Also, already requested temporary support and asked for some help even under Section 20 of the Children's Act. That's gone completely ignored.

School issued us with a notice letter that unless he attends on Monday at 9am they'll be prosecuting us.

Maybe then taking you to court would be for the best, you bringing everything up in court may help

YouveGotAFastCar · 03/02/2025 19:16

I was going to say that, from experience; that may be what needs to happen… but it’s complicated if it’d have a horrific effect on your job.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

Redflowertable · 08/02/2025 13:46

I'm so sorry for all that you and family are going through. I've read through all your posts from the 1st thread too. It seems like professionals have tried to create a split between you and your DH. Is he your DS's biological dad? And all of this made worse by the loss of your son, that none of the professionals seem to be acknowledging. Do you mind me asking what the circumstances of his death were? How old was your 8 year old at the time, how was his behaviour before, how did he react?

Original poster
Crumplesock · 08/02/2025 14:00

It's getting worse tbh, got issued with a really weird notice from SS stating that I'm of unsound mind and shouldn't be left with the kids because they're concerned of how damaging my view of our family dynamic is, and that my mental health is unstable because I'm complaining and challenging professionals. Husband made SS aware he is struggling with maintaining his mental health due to being a constant carer but this notice states how my instability is impacting on his ability to parent. Husband has put in a complaint as have I but this is all mad.

We have also been issued court action from the school for unauthorised absence (despite me constantly explaining he cannot attend, he try every day and have a video diary).

LA have also expressed how they beleive that I'm not a loving mother towards my children because I've raised issues. They also have concerns I'm abusing the whole family and I'm making this all up for attention.

I'm so close to being broken. I don't understand how they have this so wrong.

(Yes, DH biological dad to all children, we have been together for coming up 10 years now. DS 2 died when he was 2 weeks old from sepsis)

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Original poster
Crumplesock · 08/02/2025 14:00

DS1 was 1 when his brother died. Hospice did support us as a family.

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Redflowertable · 08/02/2025 14:16

I'm so very sorry, for your baby, for what's happening now.

If the professionals now think that you are creating the issues your family is facing, how do they intend to support you with what they see as your poor mental health?

It wouldn't be at all unreasonable for both you and your DH to be suffering with mental health issues after all that you've been through, so if they offer any help at all, grab it! The reason for them offering is immaterial so long as your family benifits.

But it seems unreasonable to suggest that they have figured out that you/your mental health are the problem and not in the same conversation offered support or resolution to improved their percieved problem.

BrightYellowTrain · 08/02/2025 14:39

Contact Cerebra. They have done a lot of work on parent blame and FII/PP. They won’t deal with things like the EHCP but can help with other aspects. They have a legal rights service; I suspect your case will be too complex for this service to provide in-depth support, but they can help you know where to go next.

I would also consider asking MNHQ to remove your previous thread if the LA is going down the parent blame/FII route. You have received a lot of support, but you have also written a lot of personal information.

If you haven’t already, email the LA using the information about the regulations and statutory guidance in my previous post.

Original poster
Crumplesock · 08/02/2025 14:57

But DS has EP, OT, SALT and paediatric assessments that all align with what I'm saying

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BrightYellowTrain · 08/02/2025 15:03

So do lots of others who are on the receiving end of parent blame/FII/PP allegations.

Original poster
Crumplesock · 08/02/2025 15:42

I don't understand how they can make allegations though when their own EP assessment agrees with me

It's so frustrating as DS2 died from sepsis because no one listened to me saying I think my waters had gone and I was worried about infection. An enquiry was made and they ended up agreeing they should have listened to my concerns.

Does feel like it's all repeating.

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Snowy7 · 08/02/2025 16:18

I have no advice but wishing you all the best. So sorry things are so difficult. It's absolute horrendous how SS etc all behave. I am afraid I have no useful advice. We have issue with one of our DC and received support. Is there legal action you can take? Or going to the press? What would happen if you send DS to school on Monday (you probably detailed that already bit I missed that).

Original poster
Crumplesock · 08/02/2025 16:40

We cannot physically get him to school and last time we did make it to the school, he became overwhelmed and attempted to take his own life by scaling the fence and running into on coming traffic.

I have gone to the press but they've published some of the struggles. I've also started Judicial Review, was day after we issued that letter that the SS thing happened

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