He hit my DD’s car

[Staggeredatthisadmission]

Long post alert but the details are important to avoid a drip feed.

Around 5 years ago, I found my neighbour swaying drunkenly on his doorstep with his car keys in his hand, preparing to drive to his office to pick up some stuff. I took his keys off him and drove him myself.

He was then 53 and the father of a two year old. His partner had involved social services and denied him access. She was mentally unstable. He was absolutely devastated, began to drink heavily and considered suicide. I supported him massively for months and would sit with him many nights whilst he cried and drank. This was despite serious financial issues of my own after losing our business.

Fast forward a few months, case was dropped and he was seeing his DC. I was still in the midst of our own troubles.

One morning I accidentally reversed into his Land cruiser. He’d only had it a few months. It made a very slight small dent. I knocked his door and he came out, took a look and said it would cost me around £500 and he’d have to report to his boss as it’s a company vehicle. He said that he could say it happened in a car park but was going to say I’d done it as best to be honest. I was really upset as we could not afford this but obviously it was my fault.

He never came back to me and it was never mentioned again, so I assumed he’d decided to leave it as it was only noticeable if pointed out. Obviously I was relieved.

Fast forward to last week, when my DD messaged me at work to say someone had hit her car in the street. Not new but she’d only had it one month. No one came forward from the FB post and we had no witnesses. The damage to the paintwork is quite bad, will need a new bumper and door handle. The only possible hope was ring doorbell footage from my neighbour, so DD called round several times but no answer.

Last night, just as I was going out I bumped into him, very drunk and slurring his words. I mentioned DD’s car and he told me he did it (hence not answering the door) and went on to say it was parked badly (it absolutely wasn’t) and that he couldn’t swing out of the drive. I asked why he didn’t knock the door and he said he was late for work and in a hurry. I’m sure he’d have been over the limit from drink and also smokes cannabis. He then said that his last new car was damaged by me and now this new car is us again. He was quite annoyed and just walked off.

What do we do?

@Staggeredatthisadmission

"I supported him massively for months and would sit with him many nights whilst he cried and drank."

That's why I'm "blasting" you OP. You weren't supporting anyone by your actions. Sitting with an alcoholic whilst he drank and cried is enabling him. Trust me, alcoholics are just that. Nobody becomes one because life is tough. That's a dangerous misconception. By that token, I'd be one and so would half the population. Alcoholism is not something you can cure with tea and sympathy. In fact you can't "cure" it at all. You did the right thing by taking his keys, so long as you weren't making yourself vulnerable, but after that you were simply validating his choices by making him the victim. Believe me, all alcoholics are only too happy to have a victim badge.

Well when I damaged his car I went immediately to his house and told him. If I hadn’t he’d never have known and that’s wrong. Both our cars were black and it was very tiny. He told me he was going to report I’d done it, I said fair enough. He told me it would be £500 at a guess. He decided, for whatever reason not to go further with it. At the time we had just lost our business and were in a dire state. Let me ask if you were in that position would you have insisted on paying £500? If he had taken it further I’d have paid it. His choice not to.

On the other hand he did not report to my DD that he’d hit her car. He told me he could not swing out of the driveway and had gone backwards and forwards many times. My DD was in the house 20 metres away and would have immediately moved it. In fact if he’d turned right out of the drive instead of left he could have got out in one turn. Quite why he did not do this is bizarre. Then after hitting it he just drove off and did not make any attempt to inform us over the next four days. Despite there being a FB post. He also refused to answer the door on three consecutive nights when my DD called to ask to view his ring door bell, not knowing it was him at that point. Only when drunk did he admit it and then blamed us for bad parking when the car was parked perfectly safely and legally. @TwinklyRoseTurtle

Honestly cut your losses and get this alcoholic loser out of your lives. Polite greeting if he's a neighbour.
Get your dd to ring her insurer and tell them the car was hit on the road. Yes her premiums will increase and she will have an excess but do not bring this strange man into any more of your life.

I am aware that wasn’t the point but the wording rubbed me the wrong way, he sounds awful yet the post seemed pretty sympathetic to begin with.

You were nice though, to look out for him like that, someone else insinuated you enabled him and didn’t help enough which is rubbish.

I’m not a trained counsellor and just did my best tbh. I mean should I have just left him to kill himself? Mumsnet is a strange place. I tried to help someone and then get ridiculed. Then others saying I should have paid up for his car and this is karma. If it had not been for me he’d have been fired for drink driving the day I took his keys. Plus I never refused to pay him. He took it no further as I keep saying.

I am just shocked that so many people think what he did to DD’s car was ok because I once hit his. Two totally different scenarios as I immediately confessed and said I’d pay. He hid the truth, avoided us and is actually blaming us for him hitting the car.

I didn't say you had a romantic interest in him.

He, however, didn't care about you then when you repeatedly gave him an audience and patted his hand as he wailed and moaned - and drank), guilt tripped you about the damage to his car - which I bet wouldn't have cost £500, he was hoping you'd give it to him, though - and now he's driven into your DD's car, hidden and is now claiming it's her fault that he drove into it when drunk - so clearly doesn't care about you, your daughter or all the emotional, completely unequipped for dealing with an addict, energy you've invested in him to fulfil your identity as 'a caring person'.

Addicts will absolutely latch onto anybody with a tendency towards rescuing and then completely disregard their feelings or finances. It's what they do.

Just get your daughter to phone the insurance company and tell them what happened without all the irrelevant backstory.
Car was hit on the road. No evidence who did it. Neighbour admitted it once but now wont own up.
Let them deal with it.