To be at the end of my tether with DH?

[GameOfTrombones]

I love my husband. We have two children together, 7 & 5. I also have older children from my first marriage but that’s not really relevant to this, just for context.

He’s wonderful in so many ways but he’s just so nonchalant with dangers to the kids around the house and I’m honestly at my wits end. I’ve thought about leaving but honestly I’m more worried about what might happen to the kids when they’re with him and I’m not there. He leaves the house keys in the front door all the time and forgets that they’re there. He does jobs around the house and garden and leaves tools and equipment around, e.g. we recently decorated our youngest child’s room (DS5) and he left a hammer in there on the floor, and a heavy wrench a few days later.

He takes the medicine box out of the cupboard I’ve put them in specifically because it’s up high and the kids can’t reach it, but then leaves the box of tablets/medicines etc on the side in the kitchen. He will give the kids medicine if they’re sick but leave the bottle open within their reach even after our DD8 (now) helped herself to a bottle of Calpol he left open one night and we spent the rest of the night in hospital. DD also spent a few days up until Xmas eve one year in hospital because he left those tiny watch batteries unattended on the living room table and she swallowed some.

Our DS5 had to go to hospital when he was a toddler because DH made himself a herbal tea and put it down within reach of DS ‘not thinking’, who then pulled it over himself.

These are just a few examples but these sort of ‘mishaps’ happen so often I can’t relax at all, I’m always on guard when he’s been doing pretty much anything.

Am I overreacting to things that have scared me in the past that are seemingly just genuine mistakes or ainbu to be seriously worried?

That is a lot of “mistakes” that have caused your kids injury. Tbh I am surprised the hospital hasn’t flagged you with Social Services at this point.

He's a stupid dick!

It's negligence

Utter negligence

Absolutely not a reason to stay, just something to think about - if you leave him, the children will still be visiting/living with him so the above issues wouldn’t disappear, and may in fact become worse as you wouldn’t be there to keep an eye out for hazards.

Shit! They are not small accidents spilling a hot drink and accidentally taking tablets - he and you/ kids are very very lucky it wasn’t much worse and I’m sure you have been already flagged in the system.

Do you still love him want to stay together? If not worth speaking to a lawyer about custody rights and not allowing overnights etc until the kids have a much much better sense of danger ie are older

But I feel for you , you must be so angry and stuck

It’s no defence/comfort to you when you are rightly concerned about your children’s safety but sounds very much like ‘DH’ is demonstrating autism/ASD traits. Up to you whether you want to stand by him if/when he accepts this may be an issue but it certainly sounds like he’s not safe to have the kids around unsupervised, which is a lot of mental stress on you. And I would categorically say no these are not ‘normal’ mishaps - one maybe but you’ve listed more than that.

Thanks to everyone for your responses, at least I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable to really fucking pissed off about this.

I raised my older children myself and have been so diligent about things that to me, are obviously unsafe and am always on at him about trying to think about the dangers to the kids but felt I might be being unfair as he hasn’t as much experience raising kids as I have.

ASD traits are plausible, I am ND and so are some of the children. I have considered this could be a factor but it doesn’t make me any less worried about the possible consequences.

My partner is similar (alongside some past abuse). I’m staying with him until the kids are old enough to risk assess. I feel constantly on edge in my own home but would feel worse with them spending half their time with him. I spoke to my health visitor who said his mistake do not meet the threshold for withholding contact. I’m sorry op it’s a terrible way to live your life.

This. I don’t live in the uk but our child protective services would consider this supervisory neglect, and probably undertake an assessment. He isn’t ‘wonderful’, he is fucking useless if he can’t manage basic safety. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a tragic outcome.

There was a poster on here recently talking about her ex husband constantly putting their child in danger on his farm wrt machinery etc.
Then just a couple of days ago I read about a tragic event on a farm and I thought of that woman and her child. The father is currently in court.
I would be reporting all of these events to social services and your gp so they are recorded. State that you are doing everything you can to educate him and mitigate the risks. IMO this is wiful neglect.

Your husband needs educating about the likely consequences for the children of his actions and also the repercussions that would follow from Soc Services. Not to mention the public shame/possible loss of his job if something awful happened and he was proved to have caused it by negligence. I would tell him that he needs to take this on board and then (if he agrees) find some source of info about the scenarios and what to do - work it through together. Many people (maybe especially men???) assume that if something hasn't happened to them personally or to someone they know, then it never happens. It's just a cover for laziness and pride. If he won't agree to deal with his issue, then you have an even bigger problem.