To think we have to stop punishing parents for splitting up.

[JustAskingThisQ]

In a post earlier, I was talking about the law that says CM can be reduced if a man moves in with a new partner who has children as it's assumed that he will financially provide for those children.

This assumes that his ex will then net herself a new man to pay for their kids which is not only presumptuous, it's dangerous for her and the kids.

Of course this works regardless of gender, it's a RP vs NRP issue.

Well just now, I was looking up something to do with another trending thread and what I found out is that because the RP gets the CB, the NRP can't name their kids as dependents in the welfare system at all. Even if they had 50/50 custody. So that means that if, for whatever reason, I split from my husband and it was best I left the kids with him in the family home, I couldn't get any benefit top ups that would take into account that I need a place to house my kids, too.

So I literally couldn't have 50/50 custody. It would be near impossible for me to find a place close enough to do so due to the COL and that everything we have and know is in one of the most expensive parts of country.

It would not be all that different for their dad. He earns more money than me, but if he had to have a whole other home and supply the kids while they are there, he would maybe fall below the threshold and be eligible for benefits as a RP. But if he couldn't get them because only one of us can count the kids as our dependents, then he would potentially not be able to see them as much as he could, not be as involved in their lives as he could, and would end up paying more CM the less he sees them overnight. So a vicious circle.

What does this mean? Well it means that people like me will be more likely to stay in a toxic relationship which harms the kids. It means that mothers are more likely to have to shoulder the weight of raising the children even where the father wants to be as involved. It means parents have to consider fighting for that status in court just to be recognised as someone with dependents. Its because they've centred this whole thing around who gets a measly 20 quid a week. CB should be totally separate to who needs extra room for their kids.

I just did some sums. 29.9 million residential homes, 2.95 average bedrooms, that's 88.2m bedrooms. How many are spare, or offices? There really are not enough bedrooms for every child in a split household to be given two.

literally for some women I know, not being declared RP would be a total disaster because of their lack of earning power.

I'm sorry but these days there is absolutely zero excuse for women claiming they have less "earning power" than men. Younger women (before having kids) actually tend to earn more than men. This is then curtailed by the fact that women often choose part time or lower responsibility work after that

Women as a group seem to be talking themselves back into believing they are reliant on a man and destined to be low earners.

People talking about the amount of child support do any of you know the rates? It's 12% of the first £800 they earn for one child (16%) for two I can only speak for my area of course but at my lowest I actually worked out how much I woukd need to pay my ex and if I could still pay my bills and I could even pay private rent rates because I would get no childcare bill no excessive food bills lower gas lower electricity no need for days out or I could get a discount for taking my own children overnight it really threw into perspective how little my ex has to do (and refuses too) and just how easy he has it

What we need is for people, usually women, to be a bit more critical about their relationships before getting pregnant.

clearly sometimes relationships go wrong unexpectedly and there were no warning signs. But often, and you see it on here all the bloody time, there absolutely are red flags everywhere and yet the woman is suddenly expecting again.

And we wonder why there is a shortage of housing.

Absolutely, I earnt much more than my DH pre children, but made an active choice that I wanted to work part time until my girls went to school. DH would have been very happy to share the parental leave, to work part time, but I (rightly or wrongly) used the 'I spent 9 months puking and in pain so now I call dibs on the part time' card - we could only afford one of us to be part time.
DH as full time has made faster career progress than me and now earns more than me, but this is due to the choices I made, and nothing to do with me having less earning power as a women.

Sorry guys. My daughter broke her dominant arm and needed surgery. She's fine but been a bloody nightmare.. I'll catch up and argue with you all soon.

Sorry to hear that, hope she makes a good recovery!

I'd put it slightly differently - women need to plan and organise before getting pregnant on the basis that any relationship can go wrong, even without anyone at fault. So if the father / partner is seriously ill, in a coma, dead, etc, all those things can be managed. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst".

Completely agree with you.

And when the men simply refuse to care for there own children? What then? Your earning power is curtailed precisely because of your responsibility for children what do you do when your the only one caring? At one point my rent snd childcare bill wiped out my wages I had to rely on my then 16 year old because I couldn't pay holiday prices for childcare without benefits I could not eat pay council tax gas or electric he paid zero and refused to "babysit" them