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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to be a bit more grateful

23 replies

Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 21:05

DH is about to start a block of shared parental leave as I’m cutting my maternity leave short after 10 months. We planned it when I was pregnant as DH really wanted to do it. Once DD was born and throughout my leave I’ve repeatedly said how gutted I am about ending my leave so early and how much I wish I had taken longer but have said I want DH to take the time as he wants to do it.

Now the leave is right round the corner DH is so miserable about it. He says the stress of having to hand over his work makes it not worthwhile having the leave. He says I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to hand over like this perhaps forgetting last year when I handed my job over for 10 months and was also 39 weeks pregnant!

AIBU to think he could act a little more grateful?

OP posts:
Yolo12345 · 31/01/2025 21:07

Ask him straight out if he wants to forget it?

NewPinkJacket · 31/01/2025 21:07

He's stressed and anxious about it so no, right now he's not going to be grateful.

He probably didn't consider he'd feel like this back when you two made the decision.

Alwaystired23 · 31/01/2025 21:08

Can you extend your MAT leave, and he stay in work? Sounds like you'd be happier all round?

yeesh · 31/01/2025 21:09

Do you have to do it if neither of you want to?

Redcandlescandal · 31/01/2025 21:09

Can you “swap back”?

Original poster
Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 21:09

Yes we do have to go ahead as it’s way too short notice for me to extend my leave! That’s not an option.

OP posts:
NutsForMutts · 31/01/2025 21:11

I’d let it go, he’ll get in the swing of things soon enough and is just stressed. Transition is stressful.

VotingForYourself · 31/01/2025 21:11

Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 21:09

Yes we do have to go ahead as it’s way too short notice for me to extend my leave! That’s not an option.

Then tell him to shut the fuck up and get on with it. He should be working out what he's going to do with his child for 2 months. 2 precious months.

Plaided · 31/01/2025 21:14

Just ignore him and stop talking about how much you don’t want to go back to work as it sounds like you both are inadvertently winding each other up.

Shared parental leave is the best, I can really tell which couples have done it. They seem to be more equal in terms of mental load, the men take a much more active role and are competent, the women aren’t running around like headless flies feeling resentful.

He is just a bit stressed, I remember what it’s like when I had to hand over stuff for mat leave. He will soon forget about it and he will have such a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with his child. You’ve had the joy of experiencing this, and I’m sure you’re excited for him to have this opportunity too even though he’s just a bit stressed about it at the moment.

Original poster
Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 21:16

Being stressed is one thing but he’s in such a foul mood constantly that it’s ruining my last weeks to be honest. I don’t think I was like that when I was heavily pregnant.

OP posts:
Plaided · 31/01/2025 21:17

I can’t believe people are advocating not to let parent have some quality time with their child when one has already had this opportunity. If a parent doesn’t want to spend this time with then, then I would certainly question the relationship and wonder how invested they will be for the rest of the child’s life. It doesn’t sound like this is the case, he’s just a bit nervous as he’s got a lot of work on, I think most people can relate to this.

SerenStarEtoile · 31/01/2025 21:17

It’s probably for the best that it isn’t an option!

Agree now is not the time while he’s stressed and probably looking at all the work you’ve been doing while on maternity leave and thinking OMG!

But… once he’s got into it, a friendly chat about how difficult all of this (handover/maternity/paternity leave) has been for BOTH of you would be beneficial, because then he will know what compromises the female half of the population have to deal with!

SerenStarEtoile · 31/01/2025 21:24

Just seen your last post. Yep, he’s definitely not wanting to get hands on, on his own! He needs this opportunity to learn though, even if part of the learning is feelings of not being in the loop at work, which can be of greater importance with men if they identify part of their status by their job. Tough! He will be a better parent for taking part in 1:1 care for your little one as the primary caregiver.

thecatdidit · 31/01/2025 21:34

Shared leave is a dream and marvellous opportunity. Sadly my DH was/is self employed and could only take five days off as we needed the money. I know we should have saved, we had a few months saved but work at the time (sub contractor) meant you really couldn't take long off.

Original poster
Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 21:50

thecatdidit · 31/01/2025 21:34

Shared leave is a dream and marvellous opportunity. Sadly my DH was/is self employed and could only take five days off as we needed the money. I know we should have saved, we had a few months saved but work at the time (sub contractor) meant you really couldn't take long off.

It’s a dream for some but it is annoying that I have to cut my leave short to accommodate it. I feel like I’ve done the hard months and am going on leave just as DD is getting more interactive!

OP posts:
StevieNic · 31/01/2025 22:17

Bit confused that you think you’re ’cutting maternity leave short’, most people go back after 9/ 10 months now?

Original poster
Hoopdehoop · 31/01/2025 22:26

StevieNic · 31/01/2025 22:17

Bit confused that you think you’re ’cutting maternity leave short’, most people go back after 9/ 10 months now?

Why are you confused? I am cutting it short as I’m entitled to a year? Most of the mums I know take 13 or 14 months. I’m going back earliest out of anyone in my NCT group for example.

OP posts:
TwirlyPineapple · 31/01/2025 22:39

StevieNic · 31/01/2025 22:17

Bit confused that you think you’re ’cutting maternity leave short’, most people go back after 9/ 10 months now?

This is very situation dependent. I don't know anyone who didn't take the full year, and most people ended up taking more like 13 months when adding on annual leave accrued during mat leave.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/02/2025 03:49

I think it's great that he wanted to take some time to care for his child, and it sounds like it's just a bit stressful at work doing handover, but I don't think that means he's ungrateful just that he's stressed at the moment. It also makes sense that you are stressed about going back, and leaving baby. Hopefully it works out well for all of you.

Plaided · 01/02/2025 09:16

I don’t know anyone who took a full year to themselves! Having a baby is a shared responsibility so it might not be as helpful to think of a year as being solely yours. You can also split the leave so you get a bit at the end. We did both off for 3wks, on my own for 3m, both had 1m off together, then I did 3m, 1m together (it was over Christmas), then he did 3m then both off for the last 3wks to get settled into nursery (bonus of having a lunch out together when they did settling in days).

Seeing my husband become a loving, capable father through sole care was wonderful. If we had another I would try and split the leave more evenly.

DNAwrangler · 01/02/2025 09:21

Def get him to take the leave - it’ll pay off in the long run if he’s been responsible for the child and knows what it involves.

ive seen this lots of times in my line of works men saying they can’t possibly take time off for reasons that women deal with every day (difficult to hand over work etc). Just smile and nod. It’s only a couple of months and without pregnancy / birth. He’ll get over it.

DUsername · 01/02/2025 09:25

Do you think he's maybe reacting to you repeatedly saying how gutted you are to be going back? It must have taken the shine off somewhat. It sounds like you're both being a bit unfair to each other really, you must have made him feel a bit shit about taking his leave and now he's making you feel a bit shit too. Perhaps you both need to think about how you communicate with each other?

cansu · 01/02/2025 09:29

Yes he should shut up. You havr given up time for him. Sounds like he thought this was an opportunity for some holiday time he now realises it is going to be harder wok than he thought.

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