Taking away DD's phone.

[coolkatt]

Can you all tell me what to do regarding my DD (soon to be 13).

Against my better judgement we got her an iPhone for Xmas. She already had my old one and was able to work it, looked after it reasonable well.
She was not allowed sm apps. Snapchat, insta, fb. (All for a good reason).

She was always warned the minute I see the phone becoming detrimental to her it will be taken away. Eg, room not done, homework, jobs etc. she's usually pretty good in general, has had her moments where she is lazy, not doing things as asked, being a brat to her sister but generally, she's alright. If somethings not done, it's because she doesn't want to put the phone down.

She had a close friend group before starting secondary.

So when she started secondary she got into bother with a group of girls who were bullying her. I got school involved and it seemed to be sorted.
Then about 3 weeks ago it turns out that she has been very friendly with this group of girls, has turned her back on her friends from primary and was actually involved in bullying them. Including her very best pal. I was gutted and livid. This pal had been so good and her mum involved my daughter in everything, parties, trips holidays etc. I was gutted. I had a feeling something was up so took her phone thru the night and went thru it, (something she knows I will do sporadically, this was part of the deal of getting a new one). Spoke with the mum. Got it sorted. School involved. Lots of tears and stress. I was so gutted at her and disappointed. She tried to blame the other girls. I'm not a push over by any means and she was read the riot act. She was just as bad as the others I'm ashamed to say. Phone got taken as this was one of the ways the bullying/verbal abuse was happening. She has been on all sm, Snapchat was the worst.

So up to now she is not allowed to hang about with the bully girls. She's not allowed to be near them etc. no social media again. She's made up with her old friend and thought things were getting better. She's been going to her clubs etc where these girls don't go. There's a couple of other girls who are a bit trouble out of school she's not allowed near them either at night, at parks etc. I have tried my best to enforce this.

So I gave her her phone back. All apps been blocked. Told her again any more about the phone and it goes completely. Any sm apps on it it's gone. She does use it for help with homework, and school timetables etc. she also uses like utube for hair make up tutorials, she's starting to like music etc so following bands.

Today. Got woke up from night shift to come and collect her from school. Someone had grabbed her phone out her hand and as she couldnt get it back from them she kicked a glass door in. Shattered the whole lot. Then ran away. Teachers found out it was her and now she was send home and on Monday is in 'inclusion'. Classes outwith her class and breaks before everyone else. Phone has been removed permanently. When I went thru it she had been back on Snapchat.

So she really is not getting the phone back. I'm so sick of it. Anything she is in bother about revolves around this bloody phone. I have spoken to her about it till I'm blue in the face. So has my husband.

But i still feel like a fking asshole for taking it. She will be the only one without a phone in class. She does use it for homework etc.

If you have not switched off by now my question is...mums, what do u all do in this kind of situation? I'm sick to the back teeth of the phone but still feel like I'm depriving her and segregating her by taking it away. Kids use their phone for every single thing. She is on it to organise her clubs, her weekend etc. I feel really bad but I just can't trust her with the social media as she has proven yet again and her behaviour overall is way better when she doesn't have it. This today at school is just the icing on the cake. She's never done anything like that before.

I thought her using it for homework only might work but I prefer her thinking it's just gone, it's out the house sold, or whatever she thinks.

I just feel shit about her not getting it and scared I'm going to cause her to be singled out for not having one at school .

What would you all do. She isn't responsible enough for it is what I think. Anyone else in same boat??

Sorry I know I'm ranting now

Her behaviour and its causes need to be explored, at first it was the fault of the "bully girls" she was hanging around with so you stopped her seeing them, now it's the fault of the phone so you're stopping that, you need to get to the root of her feelings and behaviour. I am in no way an advocate of smart phones for children btw far from it , but addressing the symptoms isn't going to deal with the cause

Our local secondary has banned smartphones on site. They’re not even allowed in pupils’ bags. They are allowed a brick phone (switched off) and the school provides a Chromebook for homework.

Why does your daughter need a smartphone for homework? Surely they’re the most distracting devices out there? I think it’s so odd that it’s become the norm to use them for leisure and for work; it just can’t work.

Could your daughter use a laptop/family computer/your laptop with her own login?

My DD is the same age as your DD. She has an old style flip phone - no internet, just texts and calls. It’s so boring, and probably embarrassing, that she doesn’t take it to school. She is probably one of only a tiny handful of kids at her school without a smartphone. She has encountered no problems whatsoever in terms of being teased or bullied. But I think whether a child is bullied or not often depends on the personality of the child. My DD doesn’t really take any shit so has avoided being picked on. An apparently vulnerable child may be teased for having no phone, but if it wasn’t the phone, it would be something else. The lack of phone isn’t really the issue.

So many of my school mum friends are in similar positions to you, OP. Their kids are regularly in despair over something on Snapchat. There’s no escaping the social difficulties secondary school presents when you have access to social media. The poor kids don’t get any time to calm down or get things into perspective, because it’s a constant barrage of interaction, and all with the added “bravery” that comes when typing behind a screen. Well done for being firm with your DD. Stick to your guns. I think we will soon see a growing tide of people refusing to give their kids phones. Society will look back in amazement that children were ever allowed access to them.

You have a very unhappy DD.

The phone isn’t the issue.

I would take the phone, I'd also feel mean but I don't think she's left you any choice.

I would worry though why she's being like this , maybe it's just teenage hormones but I think I'd try and spend some relaxed one on one time with her to try and get to the bottom of it.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but Dd was bullied by previous friends when she started high school. It broke her heart. BUT the difference is that the parents, even when presented with the evidence, made excuses and lied. The fact you haven't done that shows you're a good mum.

If her behaviour is that bad in just over a month of owning a phone then I totally agree with your approach.

Buy her a brick phone for call and text only or some really tight parental controls on the phone.

OP, please know that you are NOT a 'monster' for taking away your daughter's phone. No child NEEDS a smartphone.

I'm of the older generation, and have watched as each generation has given their kids more and more things which were originally aimed at ADULTS! Dressing little girls in 'sexy' outfits, letting little girls wear makeup out of the house, giving kids TV in their bedrooms, and then the nightmare which has arrived with the introduction of smartphones. As each of these things has been introduced to our kids, so society has broken down a little bit more, but everyone seems to think that their kids NEED these things otherwise they will be bullied. When the fact is, that bullying is far more common now than it's ever been, and also the fact is, that with the introduction of smartphones and the internet, our kids are not only being bullied at school or in the street, but in their own homes too!! There is no longer any escape, so we have to protect them for their own sake.

Doing the right thing!

Guys thank you all for your replies I really appreciate every answer, you have given me a lot to think about x