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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely colleague confession

37 replies

Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 20:02

I've name changed for this but I'm a long time user.
My lovely colleague asked to have a coffee and a lunchtime walk with me today.
She then confessed that she has been shoplifting and the news stories this week have made her paranoid to get arrested if she cant stop. She is a lovely human who is going through an absolutely terrible situation (the worst a parent can go through) so I think it's a grief reaction.. She steals earrings, hair clips, pens , little things. She doesn't want them or need them and sometimes feels so guilty she throws them out of the car window on the way home. I've suggested a counsellor might be able to help but now I'm worried that a counsellor would have to report to the police. Have I told her the right thing ? I'm panicking now too

OP posts:
myplace · 31/01/2025 20:03

Tell her to tell the GP. She should both be getting help, and recording the issue.

JudgeBread · 31/01/2025 20:04

A counsellor will be able to help her and won't report her I promise, I talked about similar things with my own counsellor many, many years ago.

My heart goes out to her, it's a dark and horrible place to be. You're a good person for not judging her too harshly.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/01/2025 20:05

I don't think a counsellor would raise it with the police, no.
It's not murder or a major jewel heist - but she should get help.

Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 20:06

ThinWomansBrain · 31/01/2025 20:05

I don't think a counsellor would raise it with the police, no.
It's not murder or a major jewel heist - but she should get help.

Yeah I know it's a trivial thing but I didn't want to have got it wrong

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 31/01/2025 20:20

I would suggest she contact your Employee Assistance Program if you have one as it may be quicker to do that than the NHS services. Before she discloses anything she can ask under which circumstances they would break confidentiality. The rule is for when there is an imminent danger to the person or others, but some people interpret it as any crime. So if the person is shoplifting, one will not report (most I think) but some may. They should be willing to tell her their policy before she tells them the details of what is going on for her.

Likewhatever · 31/01/2025 20:43

What she needs is help for a compulsive disorder. Her GP might be the best place to start for a referral.

heyhopotato · 31/01/2025 20:52

Can she not at least donate them to women's shelters or charity instead of flytipping them?

Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 20:53

Likewhatever · 31/01/2025 20:43

What she needs is help for a compulsive disorder. Her GP might be the best place to start for a referral.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 20:54

heyhopotato · 31/01/2025 20:52

Can she not at least donate them to women's shelters or charity instead of flytipping them?

It's tiny things like a hairclip she's removed from the card in the shop etc so not really donateable I guess.

OP posts:
YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 31/01/2025 20:55

I did this after losing my son some years ago, it was put down to OCD (I was also diagnosed with ADHD).

I had CBT and eventually stopped doing it.

TheBoysAndTheBallet · 31/01/2025 20:55

heyhopotato · 31/01/2025 20:52

Can she not at least donate them to women's shelters or charity instead of flytipping them?

I dislike waste as much as anyone, but I don't really think that's the issue here.

OP I think you gave your friend the right advice. I hope she can get some help.

Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 20:59

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 31/01/2025 20:55

I did this after losing my son some years ago, it was put down to OCD (I was also diagnosed with ADHD).

I had CBT and eventually stopped doing it.

This is interesting as I have often thought she has ocd (other signs) and I'm sure she is adhd too.

OP posts:
PizzaPunk · 31/01/2025 21:03

Even if she stole the items in front of a police officer she wouldn't get arrested.

ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 21:11

Of course a counsellor won’t tell the police.

She definitely needs help; this is a recognised obsessive-compulsive condition.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 31/01/2025 21:13

Buy her some gloves.. The few seconds it takes to get them off may be time enough to gather some sense..

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/01/2025 21:14

A counsellor would absolutely not report her. Reporting is for things like child safety issues.
i think it could help. Your company may have an EAP system to give some free confidential advice.

Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 21:18

ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 21:11

Of course a counsellor won’t tell the police.

She definitely needs help; this is a recognised obsessive-compulsive condition.

Not of course, we didn't know which is why I asked

OP posts:
blab90 · 31/01/2025 21:19

I know that the situation is not the same but this also happened to me after I had my daughter and suffered awful PND. I can't explain why I started, why I did it or even why I stopped.
I only took small things like chocolate bars, bottles of water or small pieces of jewellery from Primark but I still feel guilty about it 8 years later.
Looking back now, I felt like I had no control over my life and I was severely unhappy. I think stealing made me feel SOMETHING when the rest of the time I felt numb.

Original poster
Clothesairerinmywindow · 31/01/2025 21:19

We don't have an employee scheme but I think she is going to get private counselling

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 31/01/2025 21:33

Tell her to seek assistance with hypnotherapy.
She needs to believe that all stolen goods will burn her fingers or will turn to stinky poo once past the check out..

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/01/2025 21:35

heyhopotato · 31/01/2025 20:52

Can she not at least donate them to women's shelters or charity instead of flytipping them?

Really? You’ve read a post about a woman in emotional turmoil acting recklessly and your mind went to make donations
I think the women shelter will manage fine without some hair slides

anon4net · 31/01/2025 21:37

This is a very common reaction to grief, trauma and impulsivity. She should not be reported as it is a crime that isn't a risk to immediate harm of others. She needs help and support. Compulsions can feel impossible to contain. Sounds like maybe it gives her a sense of control as her world fell apart.

Likewhatever · 31/01/2025 21:41

Post withdrawn

RogersOrganismicProcess · 31/01/2025 21:45

I’m a psychotherapist, she would not be reported for this. She would be supported with kindness and compassion.

madamweb · 31/01/2025 21:46

A counsellor wouldn't report her.
That's for things where another person is at risk or has been harmed.