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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up of asking for 'help'

24 replies

Yulemule · 31/01/2025 19:20

I work as a teacher, 3 days. Husband full time. He works 4 days from home, 1 day of travel. On the days I come home from school everything mess wise is exactly where its been left (the morning's are a rush as have an 11 year old to get off to high school too). Is it asking too much for husband to have a general tidy around when I know that he has plenty of down time in his work day e.g. he has time for walks? I walk in at 5.30ish, straight to tidying, making dinners (he doesn't cook), clearing up, prepping for son for school the next day etc. He either says he still has work to do or is happy to sit on his arse being waited on. He's very disorganised so can't be trusted to organise son for school the night before, remind him about homework etc. So that also falls to me. Of course, I expect to pick up more being part time but I do 100%, I'm not joking! Now, husband runs a side business in his 'free' time, does well etc. but this takes up one whole room of the house with all the crap involved. I asked him this eve could he tidy that room please this weekend as very dirty in there as I can't clean it. And he said 'the reason that room is messy is because of the business which means you can work part time! As in me! I never asked for this, I just became the default 3 dayer after mat leave and he's very happy for me to do everything. It really pissed me off, like how dare I ask him to help me with anything to do with the home? As soon as I ask for help, feeling exasperated, he snaps back and belittles what I do for the family but I swear I do EVERYTHING! Now he's huffed off and again the blame lies at my door! Tell me straight, am I unreasonable??

OP posts:

destiel00 · 31/01/2025 19:21

Go ft and tell him childcare and house stuff is 50:50 from now on

RIPVPROG · 31/01/2025 19:22

Even if he doesn't do it during the day, you cook dinner while he cleans up and preps for the next day surely? I'd also be telling him I'm going full time and he needs to pick up the slack.

username299 · 31/01/2025 19:30

He is very entitled and sees you as less than. Housework and childcare is women's work and beneath him. He doesn't respect you so he treats you like a skivvy.

Cooking isn't rocket science, anyone can make pasta and sauce or bake a potato. He can't be bothered and knows he won't starve.

He has a nice set up and I doubt he'll change. He might lift a finger if you threaten his cushy life, but will wait for it all to calm down then put his feet up.

I'd throw him out of the nearest window.

OtterlyMad · 31/01/2025 19:35

Sit down with your husband and write down all the daily/weekly household chores. Ask your husband which 50% he would like to take responsibility for.

Completelyjo · 31/01/2025 19:39

He should be doing an equal share from when he finishes work. The person working from home shouldn’t necessarily be responsible for cleaning the mess that was left from the morning. They are working from home. Even if they can take the odd break if they were in the office they wouldn’t be using their tea break to stack the dishwasher.
Since the kids are school age and not toddlers it really shouldn’t be left a mess in the morning by anyone.

FrustratedandBemused · 31/01/2025 19:41

Firstly, he should absolutely be mucking in with cleaning/cooking etc. Working 40% less than him doesn’t mean you should do 100% of the house work.
Secondly, how much mess does an 11 year old make in the morning and how much organising do they need?!

DaftyLass · 31/01/2025 19:43

I'd go back to work full time and he can do fifty percent around the house.
If he can work two jobs, one self employed, he can remind a kid about school ffs
Don't let him get away with fake incompetence!

myplace · 31/01/2025 19:45

Ask what he’s going to do instead of his share of the house work.

Tell him no one is sitting down until everyone can sit down because the work has been done.

Original poster

Yulemule · 01/02/2025 09:45

He actually encourages me to leave work altogether but I wouldn't do that, it leaves me too vulnerable. But I fear if I do more than 3 days it will be my son that suffers as my husband is so disorganised and only appears to be able to think about his own needs. He also is happy to live in mess so he would likely say, I've done my share of the cleaning etc. when he has barely lifted a finger. So, again, if I want to live in a clean and tidy environment I am made to feel like it's my fault as nobody else cares! 😕

OP posts:

Snowdropsaremyfavourite · 01/02/2025 10:05

OtterlyMad · 31/01/2025 19:35

Sit down with your husband and write down all the daily/weekly household chores. Ask your husband which 50% he would like to take responsibility for.

Excellent idea. A list will show him how much you're doing and how much he's getting away with.

JasmineTea11 · 01/02/2025 10:15

No YANBU. I would've been really pissed off by the comment about the side hustle freeing you up to work PT. 'Freeing you up' to do 100% of domestic stuff and emotional labour more like. And it's not 'help' as you know, it's his parental / domestic responsibility. His attitude is shit. Don't know what you can do though, as these attitudes are very ingrained.

DeathNote11 · 01/02/2025 10:18

Completelyjo · 31/01/2025 19:39

Oh give over. The days I work from home are easier by far, simply due to not having to spend as long getting myself ready & not having a commute. He can & should be putting 30mins into clearing away the morning mess while OP does the school run. Even then, he has the easier job by far.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 10:21

So another man who thinks his wife is the live in support human. I honestly am appalled at the amount of women who put up with this shit.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 10:21

Oh and he wants you to give up work to be his full time support human because he weaponised his incompetence and laziness.

Absolute asshole

2chocolateoranges · 01/02/2025 10:27

I’d be telling him the reason you work part time is because he doesn’t pull his weight around the house and Hereford you need to be home more .

when I worked part time I didn’t mind doing the majority of household chores however when I upped my hours to near enough the same as dh then it meant he had to muck in more, which he happily does (most of the time) he cooks , cleans the kitchen, sorts his work clothes for washing and does the bins.

your dh needs a boot up the arse.

SleepingisanArt · 01/02/2025 10:29

Close the door on his messy room and don't go in there - let him deal with his own mess.... Do less for your husband and look at working full time so that you have a proper income if you choose to leave him.

At 11 your son should be able to organise his things for school the next day. (If he can't you are training another male to be incompetent!) When mine were that age we both worked full time (not at home) and they were able to fend for themselves for the time when they got home before we arrived. You get home at 5:30 so why can't your son get home, make himself a snack and amuse himself or start his homework before you get home?

Housebuy1 · 01/02/2025 10:32

What does he do for work? What is his role/job?…

KnottyAuty · 01/02/2025 10:39

I think many couples have this issue and older it’s a cultural problem. Many think that paid work is more valuable than unpaid family/house work. It’s rough

How big is the financial earnings gap?

I worked part time but paid half the bills/costs so it was easier for me to call out bad behaviour with chores.

If he earns a lot more then your approach might have to be about calculating that you both have an equal amount of free/leisure time? That might mean paying for a cleaner? Or him doing all the laundry or something?

also at 11 it might be time to allocate chores to your dc and link to an allowance? Visual timetable lists so they get their school stuff ready? Emptying dishwasher? Hoovering? You’ll probably still need to nag them but the extra help is worth it

Dollshousedolly · 01/02/2025 10:42

Stop doing anything for him, no laundry, no cooking, no buying his food preferences, nothing. Pick up any crap he leaves lying around and leave in his work room.

DustyLee123 · 01/02/2025 10:44

Think how much easier your life would be if he wasn’t in it.

KnottyAuty · 01/02/2025 10:47

Yulemule · 01/02/2025 09:45

Might he meet any of the criteria for ADHD?

Lurkingandlearning · 01/02/2025 11:48

You say he is very disorganised so can’t do his fair share of his domestic life. Yet he can organise himself to work from home including one day of travelling plus run a business as a secondary job. That takes a lot of organising.

As PPs have said, go back to FT work: or at least work it all out on paper - how much more (less) money your family would have after childcare costs, your commute etc. How the domestic tasks would then be fully shared. How much time it would all take you both in the evenings and weekends.

I’m guessing that would mean quite a change for him that he would not like. It would give you the basis for change and show him what a dick he is being

Silvertulips · 01/02/2025 11:55

Stop asking for help! Think about the language you are using.

By asking for help , you are saying these are my jobs and you help me do them

He lives there, he is responsible for your home as much as you are.

He isn’t being asked to help he’s being asked to do his fair share .

Ask him how he plans to manage 50/50 when you divorce? Who’s going to vacuum then?

If he still refuses, stop doing his chores for him, he does his own washing and ironing. If he wants you to cook, he needs to clean up after.

I would sit down and give him a list of his responsibilities-

DH is responsible for cleaning bathrooms and the washing, he takes out the bins, mows the lawns and buy birthday cards

I do the ironing, I cook, he cleans the kitchen after.

I vacuum and polish. Etc

Inertia · 01/02/2025 11:56

I wouldn’t go back to work full time- you’ll end up working full time, plus doing all of your extra school work, plus doing everything at home. He still won’t pull his weight , and you’ll become more resentful.

Leave his work room and shut the door on it.

On days you work, you share cooking/ cleaning up. I would get home and make a start on my own schoolwork, and when he finishes work you can tidy up and cook together.

I would then leave laundry and the weekly clean to my days off.

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