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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my DH that he has changed his mind over having a 2nd baby

18 replies

Toadgurl · 31/01/2025 17:47

We have a DD aged 5. For many years we deliberated having another child, not that I didn't want to but I was worried I couldn't cope. I had postnatal depression which got worse once I returned to work and there were multiple pressures. We don't have a lot of family support for various reasons, one being DH's parents are very elderly and mine are overseas. Anyway in recent months probably 8 months at least my mental health was a lot better I was started on a new drug and was having therapy ( still am). We decided to try for a second baby. I fell pregnant very quickly was advised by GP to come off medications, I was ok for a few weeks and then I started feeling low in mood, anxious, I shouted a few times at DH.
Sadly we lost the baby at 8 weeks.
I'm devastated and even more so because my DH says he doesn't think another child is the best for us, for my wellbeing and our DD.
I just feel awful.
Although I do somewhat agree with him

OP posts:

CrestWhite · 31/01/2025 17:50

Sorry for your loss OP, do you think your husband has reasonable grounds for feeling how he does?

Createausername1970 · 31/01/2025 17:52

I am sorry for your loss.

It is possible that DH is saddened by the miscarriage and concerned that your mental health took a dive. I can see why he feels this way right now and I don't think he is being unreasonable.

Perhaps if you go back on the new medication, complete your therapy and then see how you feel. Now is not the time for you to be making a definitive yes or no decision.

I think he is trying to be supportive even if it doesn't seem like it now.

FoxtonFoxton · 31/01/2025 17:52

I'm so sorry OP. I don't think either of you are wrong in this situation.

Namenamchange · 31/01/2025 17:52

I thibk you sound like you are in the midst of grief, and you should both take some time and not make any big choices. Your dh sounds like he cares a lot for you and dd

Whatabouthow · 31/01/2025 19:43

So sorry for your loss. I can see why he is concerned though. It sounds like the meds really worked for you, and things were a lot harder for everyone when you had to come off them.

Firebird83 · 31/01/2025 20:13

Just to say you don’t have to come off antidepressants when you’re pregnant (assuming that’s what the meds were). I know several people who have carried on taking them when pregnant.

Rose459Beach · 31/01/2025 20:19

I sort of understand as I found having a newborn very very hard. I was hallucinating from the severe sleep deprivation, I had a few small breakdowns over laundry etc. My DH has said he doesn't think "we" can cope with another baby, it would be too hard on "us". He is fine. He coped fine.

What he really means is he doesn't think I can cope with another baby and he would have to step up and he doesn't want to. And I feel horrible about it. I feel weak and inadequate and incompetent. It's not true but it is how it makes me feel.

So I have a lot of sympathy for how you feel, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for your loss.

DoYouReally · 31/01/2025 20:23

I suspect that your DH is terrified you will get PND again and doesn't want to see you suffer like that again.

The last 8 months your health has improved a lot and he probably is enjoying having the old you back again.

I'm not saying he's right but I can really understand his point of view.

So sorry for your loss. He's probably impacted but that too and that's also contributing. He doesn't want any more pain or difficulties for you both.

Moonnstars · 31/01/2025 20:27

Sorry for your loss.

I can only imagine that your DH is thinking of you and that he was worried to see how your mood had changed since stopping the meds.
Can you talk to a doctor about whether there are any medications that can be used during pregnancy?
I can understand your DH concerns as this time it would impact your DD and perhaps he worries about the impact of your mental health on her.

Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 20:32

I think your DH has understandably good intentions in what he is saying.

Sorry for your loss.

It is really hard to watch your wife go through a tough pregnancy and post natal depression, the miscarriage probably was what made DH realise how worried he was for you and your mental health.

He might have feelings of guilt because he contributed into getting you pregnant and then you having post natal depression

Then getting you pregnant to lose the baby and watch you go through low moods

So he probably feels like he can’t take the guilt on watching you go through a hard time again x

OpenFox · 31/01/2025 20:35

Sorry for your loss.

If you put yourself in your DH's shoes, you can see why he feels like this.

You are currently reliant on medication to prevent depression, and having another baby would mean stopping this medication. It's not nice to see someone you love plunge into depression and undergo a complete personality change. It probably had quite an impact on your 5 year old too.

So although your DH probably understands why you want another baby, it would also have quite a huge negative impact on your DH and DD, which would by far outweigh the joy of another child.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 31/01/2025 21:03

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through OP
Could you ask about or research progesterone therapy for PND - and show it to DH as a possibility, if there is a concern over it happening again?

MissUltraViolet · 31/01/2025 21:13

So sorry for your loss.

Your DH might be right, he's probably very worried about you and your child and what having another might do to you all if he has been watching your health decline in the last few weeks.

Be kind to yourself, don't push yourself too hard, don't make any decisions right now. See your GP again and discuss all your options, re-start the medication and give yourself (and him) some time.

PitchOver · 31/01/2025 21:33

It sounds like your mental health has only improved recently and you struggled for a long time. I'm sorry but I think your husband is right.

R053 · 31/01/2025 21:42

You are doing all the right things with therapy and medication. I would acknowledge your husband’s feelings but focus on possible solutions to discuss with him, such as continuing meds and therapy while pregnant. Perhaps also consider support services such as a cleaner and Hello Fresh for the first few months after a hypothetical baby’s arrival, if mutually agreed.

One of my dearest friends had severe PND with her first and delayed having more children. She considered not having any more at all. But in the end, she went ahead and the second pregnancy / birth / aftermath was successfully managed and they went on to have another kid after that.

graffittimonkey · 31/01/2025 22:17

I think sometimes people put mental illness in a different category to other illnesses and assume it's something that can just be "got over", so let me reframe this for you.

Assume that instead of PND, you had cancer. It took you four difficult years to get into remission, during which your life, your husband's life and your child's life was obviously very difficult.

But you're now on tablets which have halted the cancer and you decided to have a baby.

Luckily you got pregnant, stopped taking the tablets, but the cancer returned. You then, very sadly, miscarried.

You're now at a crossroads. Do you go back on the tablets and halt the cancer progression, or do you try for another baby, stay off the tablets and let the cancer spread?

The cancer may not spread too much, but also it could take over your whole body, and there's no way to know how you will be affected.

But the likelihood is that it will be detrimental to your quality of life, plus that of your DH and your existing child. Do you take that risk?

If you successfully have a second child, you may be able to go back on the tablets and stop the cancer again, and everything will be fine, or the tablets may not work any more and the cancer may take over.

I can see why your DH is hesitant, it's a huge risk and he doesn't want to see you distressed and in pain again. Depression is a destructive illness, to the patient and to those around them.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation because there is no easy answer, but I can see why your husband has severe reservations.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/01/2025 22:22

Your husband will be grieving the loss of the baby too - with added concern for your health and wellbeing.
Why is it fine to not have tried for a second when you didn't want to, but he is merely an annoyance when he feels it's not the best course of action?

ConundrumTime2 · 31/01/2025 22:26

You're not being unreasonable to be hacked off with the hand that life has dealt you guys but YABU to be annoyed with your DH. It's not so much that he has changed his mind, it's that the circumstances have become untenable. You can't be annoyed with someone wanting their beloved to remain sane and healthy and for their child's Mum to be able to give them the best life possible. I'm sorry for your loss. Go easy on each other.

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