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Original poster

Post break up help

5 replies

Downbad75 · 31/01/2025 16:40

I have posted a while ago about my DP who I thought was emotionally abusive. I literally can't tell you if he was as I feel so confused about it all. I left the relationship 2 months ago as the anxiety that I felt everyday just would not pass and I had to get some space from it. Now that I am out of it I can't quantify what the issues were. I feel like I almost made it all up and that I was just as bad as him but at the time I felt he was abusive and numerous people I told what had been happening felt the same.

Everyone in my life has told me they are so proud of me for moving out. The issue is that no one has actually made any effort in the 2 months since. I've barely seen any friends and they barely text even knowing what's happened. On the other hand he has been nothing but lovely to me for 2 months. I miss him so much and just want to go back. I feel so lonely and end up speaking/seeing him. I really want things to be better but there's a huge part of me that is scared it's all going to go wrong again if I did. He's accepted a lot of the things were wrong that he did and that he never realised how much he had hurt me. Wants to work on things for us both to be happy. I just feel like everyone must think I am so stupid to go back when I was so anxious but it's all I want to do right now?

OP posts:
Catza · 31/01/2025 17:07

It's probably a normal reaction and it's probably not unusual to have a couple of false starts.
However, I do take a bit of an issue with you saying nobody made an effort. I broke up with my partner a few months ago. All my friends were checking up on me for about a week but I do not expect them to be "making an effort" months later. I make effort to remain a good friend, contact them, arrange to meet, make sure I ask them questions about their lives. Because they are dealing with life as well and it's very unfair to expect them to look after me... for how long? I also made sure to book myself plenty of activities - two new hobbies which take me out of the house two nights a week, visiting friends who live 100+ miles away at weekends, solo trips, cinema tickets. I felt many things in the last few months but lonely wasn't one of them. I was lonely when I was in a relationship, now I feel my life is quite full. I am the one making a full life rather than expecting people to make it for me.
I am sure your friends care deeply about you but it's really up to you to make time for them too and ask for help if you need it.

Simplynotsimple · 31/01/2025 17:18

This is going to sound harsh but you cannot rely on your friends to prop you up. Your ex is using this as a way weasel his way back into your life, making you think no one ‘gets you’ like he does, no one is there for you like him, whatever the bad is at least he’s your consistent. Of course he’s going to love bomb you if you talk to him, pretend that he’s working on himself. The fact that you’re even talking to him means he knows he doesn’t need to work on himself, the moment you feel low you’re already going to him for emotional validation. You have to block him and find a new happiness that doesn’t rely on other people.

Original poster
Downbad75 · 31/01/2025 17:19

Catza · 31/01/2025 17:07

It's probably a normal reaction and it's probably not unusual to have a couple of false starts.
However, I do take a bit of an issue with you saying nobody made an effort. I broke up with my partner a few months ago. All my friends were checking up on me for about a week but I do not expect them to be "making an effort" months later. I make effort to remain a good friend, contact them, arrange to meet, make sure I ask them questions about their lives. Because they are dealing with life as well and it's very unfair to expect them to look after me... for how long? I also made sure to book myself plenty of activities - two new hobbies which take me out of the house two nights a week, visiting friends who live 100+ miles away at weekends, solo trips, cinema tickets. I felt many things in the last few months but lonely wasn't one of them. I was lonely when I was in a relationship, now I feel my life is quite full. I am the one making a full life rather than expecting people to make it for me.
I am sure your friends care deeply about you but it's really up to you to make time for them too and ask for help if you need it.

Edited

This is a good point and the fact you have made an effort rather than wallowing in it like I have done, you are giving me perspective. I also shouldn't blame them for feeling like I want to go back to him, I think I am trying to justify it somehow. Initially it happened over the festive period so never had any initial support either but you are right, everyone has their own lives and I can't expect it to revolve around me. I have reached out to friends but not told them how I have felt and pretend I'm ok. I think I need to get out more and meet new people who are in the same life stage too.

OP posts:
Catza · 31/01/2025 17:25

Absolutely! Go and check your local Meetup and see if there are interesting ng activities around you. Join a pole dancing class, book club or a weekend walking group. There is too much fun to be had to worry about looking backwards. Take a break from your ex too. He is supporting you because it is feeding his ego to know you are upset by the breakup. Say you need a month of no contact to help you gather your thoughts and that you will be in touch. Trust me, after a month of living your life to the fullest, you'll see whether this relationship really has any place in it.

CrestWhite · 31/01/2025 17:30

Without context it'd hard to say OP

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