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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried i’ve made a mistake?

18 replies

ralsta · 31/01/2025 16:23

long story short my relationship of 10 years has broken down

now we’ve had time apart and i’m reflecting, fuck do i miss him. we let the stresses of 2 children and work etc get on top of us and the last 12 months has been a battle of me not wanting him to touch me (my mental health after baby went to shit and i pushed him away) his mental health then plummeted and he emotionally cheated

aibu to want to try, i can’t ignore how im feeling without him. it’s only been 2 weeks will it get easier?

there are so many reasons for us to split but also so many reasons to stay

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 31/01/2025 16:25

What a difficult situation!

Are you both getting help with your mental health? I mean, him with his, and you with yours?

Did he have an emotional affair with someone? Is that affair over?

Hellskitchen24 · 31/01/2025 16:31

When you say emotionally cheated you need to elaborate.

It does sound as though the relationship had run its course. It’s normal to miss the good parts of someone despite this.

Tagyoureit · 31/01/2025 16:33

What did he do that you feel he cheated?

RobertaFirmino · 31/01/2025 16:39

The danger of taking a cheater (emotional or otherwise) back is that it can turn you bitter and paranoid. Especially if the OW is someone who he works with or cannot avoid in another capacity.

Have a good, long think about whether you'd be able to file this incident away.

Newname71 · 31/01/2025 16:39

23 years ago I was in the same boat. We stopped looking after each other, spent a lot of time doing our own thing, then started drifting apart. We were cruel to each other verbally and he cheated on me. We split up and I felt very much like you do now. Things were shit so why did I miss him?
We did a lot of talking about how and why we’d got to such a low point and decided to try again.
We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last year.
If you want to try again you need to be having open and honest conversations and work out why it ended the way it did.
Good luck

LostittoBostik · 31/01/2025 16:41

Let him know how you feel. Give him time to respond - don't rush him.

Can you try counselling, maybe while still living apart?

Simplynotsimple · 31/01/2025 16:45

Did he try and support you in the 12 months post baby or did he just push for intimacy and when you didn’t feel up to it (which is perfectly valid and normal), he started chatting up other women and blamed it on you not giving in? Because to me this part reads like he’s punished you for not being quickly back to ‘yourself’ after having a baby and deflecting by saying ‘it gave me sad feelings you weren’t paying attention to me rather than recovering and looking after the children’.

5128gap · 31/01/2025 16:59

I think after what you've been through you can't go back. However there's a possibility of going forward if there's enough feeling there for the other person, rather than just nostalgia, habit, dislike of change. If it were me I'd take it very very slowly, almost start over. Spend some time together while building your seperate lives. When you also have a life away from him you'll be able to properly see if you prefer the time with him.

Alalalala · 31/01/2025 17:03

Emotionally cheating - so he was deeply embroiled with someone else? Depending on them etc? Did he say he loved them? Did he criticise you and/or your relationship to her?

StMarie4me · 31/01/2025 17:06

You need to talk no to him. Soon.

Simplynotsimple · 31/01/2025 17:10

Alalalala · 31/01/2025 17:03

Emotionally cheating - so he was deeply embroiled with someone else? Depending on them etc? Did he say he loved them? Did he criticise you and/or your relationship to her?

Does it matter what he was saying to the other woman? Whatever it was, it seemed to be straw that broke the camels back of this relationship. Don’t need all the gory details, or try and find a way to tell the op she’s overreacting.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/01/2025 17:12

When the going got tough, he opted out. Don't be so quick to want that back OP.

It's only been a couple of weeks. See how you feel in six months or a years time. Maybe you two could rebuild a relationship but once the trust is gone, it's pretty impossible to trust again. You may find yourself much happier moving on but give yourself some time to grieve and heal.

Original poster
ralsta · 01/02/2025 22:46

so i definitely worded it wrong, cos it wasn’t emotional at all. he messaged prostitutes and booked appointments with them (says he didn’t attend and have proved that as much as possible but still, who knows!!)

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 01/02/2025 23:00

Emotionally cheated is very very very different to contacting women with a view to paying to use their bodies.
Im not sure how that is forgivable or something you can move on from. He may not have acted on it ultimately, but he considered it. And that says a lot about what he thinks about women..
Do you have a daughter? Or a son who you'd want to imagine might consider doing that to a woman?
You may need time to get used to a change in circumstances but I'd think twice about a man who thinks it's OK to pursue paying someone to use their body for sex.

Original poster
ralsta · 02/02/2025 08:23

@Toohardtofindaproperusername i think this is exactly where i’m at - it’s quite disgusting. and i do find myself disgusted by the thought of him going and putting me in danger with STDs etc

i was definitely having a wobble day!!

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 02/02/2025 09:02

ralsta · 01/02/2025 22:46

so i definitely worded it wrong, cos it wasn’t emotional at all. he messaged prostitutes and booked appointments with them (says he didn’t attend and have proved that as much as possible but still, who knows!!)

Eww! That's definitely not emotional cheating that full on grim!

Don't go back! Stay strong!!

Louko · 02/02/2025 09:07

ralsta · 31/01/2025 16:23

long story short my relationship of 10 years has broken down

now we’ve had time apart and i’m reflecting, fuck do i miss him. we let the stresses of 2 children and work etc get on top of us and the last 12 months has been a battle of me not wanting him to touch me (my mental health after baby went to shit and i pushed him away) his mental health then plummeted and he emotionally cheated

aibu to want to try, i can’t ignore how im feeling without him. it’s only been 2 weeks will it get easier?

there are so many reasons for us to split but also so many reasons to stay

It sounds like you both need to take a deep breath , turn the page , maybe if possible have family take the kids for a weekend and reconnect. You love each other and have small kids it’s worth fighting for your relationship.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 02/02/2025 11:17

ralsta · 02/02/2025 08:23

@Toohardtofindaproperusername i think this is exactly where i’m at - it’s quite disgusting. and i do find myself disgusted by the thought of him going and putting me in danger with STDs etc

i was definitely having a wobble day!!

Wobble away with friends and here. And you can do it. For yourself and your children.

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