My partner and I have been arguing for a week…

[Rebecca2693]

My partner and I are in a cycle of the same argument.

At the beginning of our relationship he had what I felt was an inappropriate relationship with a female friend. He held his hands up recently to say he understood why I felt like I did and was going to work to get my trust back. I recently have seen a few conversations with women from work over email that are very banter driven and some replies I’ve seen as not necessary at all. I work in a corporate role and have always kept it very professional. I just feel given our trust issue that’s already being worked on, this was another thing I found uneasy.

I am struggling to let everything go and it causes big arguments. I love this person very much but I don’t know what to do, or if I’m being unreasonable. We have been arguing for a few days but they just seem to be the same conversations on repeat.

I’m conscious it’s sending us both insane

Is it banter or sexual suggestive intentions?

Some people enjoy banter and workmates are that - work mates, they like them, enjoy their company.

How are you accessing these emails? Are they showing you them? If so - why? Are they wanting a reaction from you if they know it pushes your boundaries?

I work in an environment where email banter isn't seen as appropriate.

I think both of seeing seeing a therapist might help - you can get to see each other's point of view in an environment that you hear each other. You are currently arguing and neither feel heard.

But if they are dangling women along - get rid.

You don’t trust him. Regardless of whether there’s an objective basis for this, it doesn’t sound as if it’s a workable relationship. I can’t imagine being in a headspace where I’m reading my partner’s work emails to judge whether every word is ‘necessary’.

Without actually seeing the conversations or knowing your partner’s friendships, it’s impossible to say whether you’re being unreasonable or not.

On the face of it, I have to say that if my boyfriend was telling me my friendships with men were ‘inappropriate’ or reading my emails/messages I exchange with people at work, I would be walking away from the relationship because I don’t want my life policed in that way. I’m not having an affair and I have no wish to, not in a million years. But I have male friends and plenty of ‘banter’ if that’s what you want to call it with friends and colleagues of both sexes, and I wouldn’t change that because a partner was paranoid about it.

But it obviously depends on the nature of said ‘inappropriate’ friendship and the ‘banter’. If the friendship involved them sharing a bed or texting about how much they fancied each other, obviously that’s quite different. There isn’t enough info here to go on.

What did you feel was inappropriate about his female friendship?

Without some more details, it’s hard to know if you are unreasonably jealous and controlling or if he is taking the piss.

At the beginning of our relationship he had what I felt was an inappropriate relationship with a female friend.

Can you say a bit about this? What made it inappropriate?

This is who he is. He will not change. Either you will have to tolerate the intolerable, or end it with him.

It's very difficult to make any kind of judgement here. I've never read a single one of DH's work emails or chats (how would I? Why would I?). I work in a corporate environment too, but a bit of friendly craic makes the workday go faster. I'm perfectly capable of understanding where the line is and don't go over it, either in terms of professionalism or fidelity. And I'd have major, major problems with DH inserting himself into and policing conversations with my colleagues.

The devil is in the details here, but he clearly doesn't agree with you, end of story, so likely you should go ahead and break up.

It's easy to become jealous of female friends. I've been there.

It's your survival instinct kicking in - could she be a threat to my relationship / wellbeing etc? It's natural.

But we live in a culture where men and women work, study, socialise etc together. He will encounter women, and you'll encounter men.

Friendships that are perfectly innocent do happen. And those can evolve into crushes, romantic thoughts, affairs. Can. It's not inevitable. But it's one of the side effects of our culture.

We can't tell - are you being overly suspicious? Is it just that you don't want him associating with any women at all? Are you trying to control him? His tone of voice in emails, his conversations, the way people behave at his work, which may be different to yours?

I would not be pleased if my partner decided to police my work emails and my personality.

Or - do you have good reason to be concerned and suspicious? Is it one particular woman? Does he have form for cheating?

If that's the case, why are you still with him?

Only you know.

I think we need some more specific details

Give an idea of what the emails say?

I was always VERY insecure as my ex cheated and my mum is massively insecure and passed it down to me. I hated my DH talking to any women etc! Once I realized he was different and hadn’t done anything wrong, I started loving myself, trusting him and accepting he can talk to women and not fancy them!

However, it does depend what they say?!

the original issue - was with a female friend he would message all day long, her partner also raised concerns, he said they were no longer in contact, but I found out they were and he had been covering it up/hiding the messages. On particular conversation they were talking about his dancing, and he said to her he would show me the “helicopter” (I’m not sure I have to explain what that is, but just to save confusion. Willing his downstairs area to make it helicopter). There is also a Instagram account where a guy is singing “good morning my pineapple, you are looking very cute today” which may have been banter and maybe I am very insecure but this I did not find okay. They often had this private joke - of always sending eachother picture of the themselves sending eachother the middle finger which is probably why the next bit triggered me.

I was helping him to draft an email to one of his bosses about a discrepancy in his pay (he’s new to a corporate role from a trade background). I was trying to find some more context from previous conversations to help me add to it, and on those travels came across some emails that he had sent to a colleague. He had previously told me that one of the lads he worked with was “in love” with said colleague (even though he’s in a relationship and has 2 kids at home). Anyway context was around his boss being off for an extended period of time over Christmas (but ended with 👀🤣) and then another was in response to her sarcastically saying to him and he put:
“👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
🖕🏽”

another colleague often WhatsApp’s him (it’s on his normal phone as they don’t have work phones) and ends it with an “x”

I have 8 years working in a corporate environment and I have had friends from work both genders but I always keep it professional and respect the boundaries. Even more so if said male work colleague is as in a relationship.

Honestly I’m well aware that this is probably a huge over reaction and I’m fine to take the honesty. I know I have a HUGE part to play in trying to fix this also on my side, as there is clearly an issue that I’m struggling with.

He’s part of a gym and goes to many group classes and has female friends in these sessions, I have met a few and I have great relationships with and would never find their interaction an issue at all! There are even a few I haven’t met but seem to be really nice woman so I have no cause for suspicion or worry at all

What do the emails say

How are you seeing the emails, snooping or is he showing you to make you jealous

What relationship with female colleagues would you be comfortable with, would there be an issue if the same emails were being sent to a man. If so I'm going to say YABU.

You can't be in a relationship with someone who for whatever reason you don't trust.

I've read the updates but I'm still struggling to see what the actual issue is here. Can you distil it down?

• at the start of your relationship (how long ago?) he was messaging a woman all day, sent her a video saying she was cute, and made a joke about showing you his penis. Contact with this woman has now stopped
• now, he has messaged a woman at work a middle finger emoji and a different woman ends her messages to him with an x

Is that right?

Honestly, none of that sounds particularly salacious to me. A lot of people end every message (including posts on here) with an x, and I'm pretty sure they aren't expressing that they want to fuck all of us. The boss being away thing is pretty much just "the mice will play" ie we all have a bit more freedom while they're away, and jokingly giving each other the finger is not exactly giving big love vibes. It could be flirting, it could just be messing around.

The female friend was an issue. I would have just dumped him when I read the helicopter thing, because what is he, five?

Have you posted earlier this week? There was a very similar thread about a partner with a female friend, met through the gym, where he had been originally overly intimate/lied/it had come up again recently.

Either way, ultimately if this argument cannot be resolved and you fundamentally disagree on the nature of relationships with the opposite sex/what's appropriate then I think its time to walk away.

Honestly if I am being unreasonable, I’ve got a lot of work to do and maybe that is a big part of our issue.

My previous relationship we had no issues with trust, we actually did a big slug of it long distance and both lives our lives with no issues about the other sex

I haven’t no, but I will have a look for that thread too. It does sound unusually similar
However unfortunately this issue for me seems to be continuous

Sorry if i missed it but how long have you been together?

2 and a half years

And you didn’t have a jealousy issue in your previous relationships? But your gut feels something is off?

Not a single ounce, we never argue about anyone of the opposite sex. He was always so respectful of me, he genuinely made me feel so secure and like I was the most important person to him. Honestly I have experienced good relationships so I understand this feeling I’ve got now isn’t right.

When we first got together he used to stare at really attractive women whilst we were out and about on dates. Again - never been an issue in any of my past relationships. But I had to sit and ask myself was it me going mad and am I thinking too much into it.

Honestly? I would not be in the slightest bit bothered by any of these things. Maybe the messaging with his female friend was a bit intense but it does just sound pretty much just matey stuff to me. I have more or less the same friendships with male friends as I do with female ones, and the things you've mentioned are the sorts of things I'd probably do with any friend, male or female. I can see why you felt it was a bit much but I don't think it's an indication of an affair.

The work stuff - sorry, but I really, really cannot see what the issue is with any of that. At all. It's obviously bothering you, and you feel what you feel - you can't help that. But it's not his fault that you feel that way and it's not reasonable to be telling him to change the way he interacts at work.

I have had friends from work both genders but I always keep it professional and respect the boundaries

But who decides what the boundaries are? The boundaries for your colleagues might not be the same as the boundaries for his. Just because you prefer to 'keep it professional' that doesn't mean you can mould your partner into the same kind of person that you are. You can't expect to change him into someone else. This is his personality. That is how he is with people and probably always has been.

To be quite honest, I think you just sound like very, very different people who are probably fundamentally incompatible. His personality is always going to make you unhappy, and your attempts to curb it are always going to make him feel suffocated and controlled.

Trust your gut, it’s there for a reason. 2.5 years don’t sink anymore time in. You don’t need a reason - it’s just not for you.

Are you living together?

@ItGhoul thank you, I have just read what I believe to be the post @Pickledpeanuts is referring too. And noticed you had also posted on this too. The issue with his female friend is so very and scarily close to the same as the OP. I did not go into that level of detail but the behavioural patterns are so similar.

As for the work situation I do understand and I’m wondering if I have just completely over reacted.
We have a pretty great relationship outside of this and are compatible in so many ways so I didn’t want to lose that. Part of me thinks there is definitely some work I need to do
But I just needed a reality check from people who are not involved