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AIBU?

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Original poster

In laws visiting for months

14 replies

Lize90 · 31/01/2025 08:30

We live abroad and my in laws often visit us without a returning ticket which is very very stressful for me not to know . For their first visit due to Covid they stayed for 7 months with us in a small apartment while I was pregnant and gave birth with my first child .Second visit was 2 months and so it goes until today …I always fight with my husband when they come , he is the one who has to bring them here and return them home as they cannot get on a plane alone . They come from a small village with a different culture than mine . They never help with the house cleaning or cooking they expect me to do everything . I never agree with their opinion or they way they think it’s so patriarchal and offensive to women, I always speak my mind and tell them I need privacy or show them that they are not welcome for so long . They don’t really care , they are just happy to come and be with their son and grandchildren. I feel like they don’t care about my feelings , they are visiting us now and we told them we are expecting our second child and the first thing they said is that they’re gonna visit after birth to see the baby. I haven’t been on holidays for over 2 years myself why do they think they can visit every time they want (we pay for everything for them tickets and all) . Why to spend our money on them and not in our family I just don’t understand , this time I’m so frustrating that I’m even thinking to leave my husband if this continues after having 2 kids . They raised my husband with the guilt to have to take care of them and be responsible for them .I can’t even stand them anymore hear their voices or see them I’m starting to feel this hate I’ve never felt in my life and I don’t like this version of me as in general I have a kind character with people . It’s not I’m my nature to feel mad and angry but they are traumatising me.

OP posts:
IsawwhatIsaw · 31/01/2025 08:50

You have a DH problem as he isn’t listening to you. This sounds intolerable. Can you get legal advice to help you decide what to do moving forward?

sesquipedalian · 31/01/2025 09:06

If your DH is taking and fetching them, why in earth can’t he get a return ticket so that at least you’d know there would be an end to it? Seven months is CRAZY - I don’t think many DILs would be able to put up with that! You need to put boundaries in place - decide what you feel would be reasonable, and tell your DH it’s non-negotiable. Also, if these people can’t afford to pay their own fares and require your DH to chaperone them, all the more reason not to see them very often. Your own DC will resent them as they get older if they realise that their own lack of holidays is due to having to pay for increasingly old and ungrateful grandparents.

Windowsand · 31/01/2025 09:08

Bloody hell OP.
Why are you tolerating that?
I'd be gone.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/01/2025 09:35

@Lize90 sorry but I would be serving three life sentences by now!!

meh2025 · 31/01/2025 09:36

I could not tolerate this and never would have. Next time they arrive unwanted can you just leave? Take your baby and piss off somewhere?

Then if they still don't get the hint and dh won't fix this problem, just leave altogether.

Thebellofstclements · 31/01/2025 09:39

Are they from India, Pakistan or Bangladesh? If so then there's not much you can do about it, unfortunately.

ElaDIAM · 31/01/2025 09:40

This is cultural with expectations of the son and his wife, within the family.

Did you discuss cultural expectations before you married? You have different expectations. It may not be possible for yours and your DH’s to meet.

Some long hard thinking to do as you plan ahead.

Billyblue47 · 31/01/2025 09:51

Your husband is the problem. He cares more about their feelings than yours. I love my parents and my inlaws but I dontvwant to live with them for months on end. Your husbandcus arranging the travel and needs to book the return journey. A few visits a year for two weeks is more manageable that visits that last for months.

Imisschampagne · 31/01/2025 09:53

Would divorce if that was the case with my husband.

you have a husband problem. Time to put your foot down.

greenel · 31/01/2025 09:59

Thebellofstclements · 31/01/2025 09:39

Are they from India, Pakistan or Bangladesh? If so then there's not much you can do about it, unfortunately.

Rubbish! I'm from one of these countries and wouldn't tolerate it from my own parents. They only stay with us for a max of 10 days, once a year, and any longer they stay in an air b&b. My parents are sensible and completely understand how unfair to my DH it would be so it's never been an issue. It really annoys me that in 2025 when all these countries have progressed so much, the culture from back water villages with high illiteracy and minimal education is still seen to represent the whole country.

OP, put your foot down with DH, he needs to grow a backbone or you move out with the kids or force him and them to move out. You didn't marry them, you don't live in their village - you don't have to put up with it.

meh2025 · 31/01/2025 10:06

greenel · 31/01/2025 09:59

Rubbish! I'm from one of these countries and wouldn't tolerate it from my own parents. They only stay with us for a max of 10 days, once a year, and any longer they stay in an air b&b. My parents are sensible and completely understand how unfair to my DH it would be so it's never been an issue. It really annoys me that in 2025 when all these countries have progressed so much, the culture from back water villages with high illiteracy and minimal education is still seen to represent the whole country.

OP, put your foot down with DH, he needs to grow a backbone or you move out with the kids or force him and them to move out. You didn't marry them, you don't live in their village - you don't have to put up with it.

Show quote history

It's also bizarre to make the claim that "culture" can be used as an excuse for treating people like shit, and her cultural expectations are every bit as important as his and theirs.

Endofyear · 31/01/2025 17:25

The problem is your DH. He was raised in this culture and you weren't - to him it is normal and reasonable to host his parents for as long as they want. You need to sort this out with him. There has to be some negotiation and compromise for example agree to host them twice a year for 2 weeks and make sure he knows that he will have to be the one looking after them as you won't be doing it.

Sunnyside4 · 18/04/2025 14:46

I think you'll have to ask them to check it's convenient before coming and sfter bedtime. If they phone and your too tired say no, or go for a bath and leave DH to them. If it's just you sometimes, you might not hear the doorbell!

Elsvieta · 18/04/2025 14:49

Let them expect whatever they like, and don't do it. Your DH can wait on them if he chooses. Go out and see a friend or get some alone time and leave them to it.

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