To be really disappointed in this longtime ‘friend’?

[Carswell]

I’ve been friends with Callum for 22 years. Growing up, C was one of my closest friends. Always looked out for me, stood by me for multiple bereavements, break ups. Other friends came and go, he stayed.

For the last 4 years or so, he has been flaky (but apologetic) and has disappeared for periods of time. Last year I didn’t hear for 8 months so I contacted him and he said he’d had a mental breakdown but was doing better. I sympathised greatly.

I then didn’t hear again for 3 months, he sent a long voice message asking how I was doing and wanting to know about my life. I replied explaining I was looking after a terminal relative who was in the last days/weeks of life and it had been a hard time. I also had some positive news to tell and asked for his news.

this was two weeks ago and he didn’t reply. This week my relative died. I have had great support from friends and family but I feel so angry that he couldn’t say ‘I’m sorry to hear that’. Do I expect too much?

The friendship has drifted. It may come back, but o don’t think this level of anger is warranted. Accept support from those who offer it.

I was there for him when his aunt died during Covid too. I just feel like he doesn’t care at all anymore - it’s upsetting.

Hang on, he shared he had a mental breakdown and then you say HE didn’t contact you for three months. Surely you were in regular touch with him after that news to support him through an awful time of his life? Maybe he’s still struggling but you don’t know as you seem to expect him to contact you.
I’m sorry you’ve been bereaved but I think YABU.

Yanbu to feel so let down, but equally, he may still be in a terrible place with his mental health and not up to replying (or being the friend you need).

Sometimes with long friendships, they do drift for a while and it can be best to let them without anger or recrimination so that when you're both able to pick up the threads of your relationship again, you can do.

It sounds like he's be struggling. Sometimes you don't have it in you to support another person no matter how much you might want to.

Or maybe he's just a jerk.

It sounds like you've already taken a step back from the friendship. I'd just be cordial but not go out of my way to contact him anymore.

@steff13 yeah, he took a step back first. And I stopped reaching out much because it hurt to keep getting no response.

I feel like I’ve been demoted to acquaintance level after a long close friendship.

@Longhotsummers i did respond to him and message multiple times yes. He stopped replying

I’m afraid that if an old friend contacted me saying they had a relative in the last days or weeks of life I would say something. I would not ignore it. And I’ve been in some very dark holes in the past.

I really don’t think this is about you. It sounds like he’s in a really bad place.

When people are suffering from severe depression, they can lose all ability to function in society - they can’t hold onto a job, they can’t maintain relationships (and they don’t think they’re worthy of them), they can’t even brush their teeth sometimes or feed themselves.

The guilt about being so distant was probably gnawing at him, so he put everything he had into that voice message, and then it was just all too much.

I know this is incredibly hard but you need to recognise that your friend is very unwell and not in his right mind. His actions are not a reflection of your friendship but of his illness.

Very long story but My best friend basically screwed me over last year and I'm honestly still heartbroken broken , Im still in a process of grieving the friendship, it's the facts I did nothing wrong that hurts the most and she did that to me 💔, not to sound dramatic but it's changed me slightly forever , I won't be trusting someone for a very long time