Defensive colleague doing my head in!

[Sundaycoffee]

I find it so hard to navigate sometimes!
I have one particular colleague that is often like this.
We work fairly closely together and I just popped her a message asking for confirmation on some details on part of a project she has recently handed over to me.
Her response (via Teams) was "Haven't we been through this?lol"
I said no we haven't and she replied saying "you know what I do, we have worked on it together?!"
I said I appreciate that but thought it best to confirm to make sure nothing has been missed.
Her response was then her saying "well just like you, I do xyz"
I replied saying I'm not quite sure why she's speaking to me like that and she only needed to say "I think you should have everything from me but shout it there's anything missing"
She then accused me of being "funny" with her!
Is it me?? Feel like I can't win. Either I let her talk to me like an idiot or if I call it out she says I'm being stressy!

People are twats. Lots of people are twats.

It’s often said ‘it’s not personal’ but it’s difficult to agree with that sometimes.

It's difficult to know what's going on as we only have one side but it comes across as though she's being difficult.

Even if I had given you the information before, I would answer your question.

This back and forth is unprofessional and wasting time. It comes across as though either she doesn't know or can't be bothered to find out

I would start taking notes of her interactions with you and include evidence like this recent Teams exchange. Always nip any exchange like this in the bud.

she only needed to say "I think you should have everything from me but shout it there's anything missing"

^ may have taken this out of context but I think she basically did say the above in her words? Also from what you've typed you didn't have any specific questions for her and nothing was missing, you were asking to her to repeat herself or just confirm procedure she thought you both already knew inside out. So I can appreciate you may have come across as unnecessarily bureaucratic or covering yourself.

If it's the same thing you always do why did you need confirmation? Id be irritated too if I was trying to get on with my job and had someone asking silly questions

The phone is often better than teams for this kind of conversation!

I disagree, especially with projects work. Everything should be in writing so if anyone denies doing something, or says theyve done something and its not been done; then it's there in black-and-white.

To play devil's advocate...Does it come across as though you are trying to put the responsibility for any (possible) mistakes back on her? Did she run through things thoroughly and then think that she could close the door on the project? And now you're asking her about certain aspects of it, so if things go wrong you can say 'well Julie said this part was completed in my communication with her so I assumed this to be true.'

Not sure I've explained that very well but hopefully you get the gist!

I have a colleague who gets very defensive, eg if you ask if she did x (a task that could have been done by her or a couple of other people, you are just confirming whether it was her) you get an immediate, no, no one told
me, I didn’t know anything about that etc etc. I’ve learned over the years to accept it as part of her personality and probably caused by more toxic environments she’s worked in in the past. It’s still annoying though!

You should have emailed her.

Teams is shit for this sort of stuff. I have a colleague who cannot communicate on teams with coming over an a complete arsehole.

Try calling her and then if you think you need "proof" email a "following our meeting" summary.

Why are you wasting her time trying to confirm stuff you already know?

I agree - you back up conversations in writing. Her refusal to simply answer the question is evasive and her attitude is shit. Why are you taking over the project? She clearly feels under scrutiny.

rubbish, it’s not evidence to be used in a court. No one senior cares, they want the project completing not to be involved in petty squabbles. I’d say this conversation should have been a meeting , no good comes of seething on teams messages. Pick the phone up and have an honest conversation, you seem irritated Sandra, I’m interested why.

I bet most people would be irritated. She sounds like she wanted to say ffs but held back. Did she want to handover the project? Could she feel unappreciated because she had to hand it over to you?

Agree with PP it comes across you are harassing her for confirmation you don’t need. She likely feels you are wasting her time. If she’s sent it to you, she believes the work is done. She shouldn’t have to also confirm in a message that the work is done. From her viewpoint you should only have to email if you find she has in fact made a mistake.

it’s sort of like you messaging to say “hey just checking did you do your job correctly the first time? Let me know”

I appreciate you aren’t, but I think especially if this a regular occurrence that will be how it feels.

Sorry, but if you only need a general response from her, then it’s you being annoying.

It’s sounds more like me asking my husband if he’s put the bins out, when:
a) he said last night he was off to do it,
b) a glance out of the window would confirm it.

Colleagues continually asking the obvious or needing their hand held for every little thing irritate me immensely. I might start getting a little tetchy too. It’s you, not her.

It doesn't need to be her concern if Sandra is irritated, who gives a shit if she's irritated. It's your job to make sure everything has been done and no misunderstandings. Of course senior people care, they always want to blame someone that's not them 🤣

You cannot be effective running a project with that attitude. Sandra being irritated means op is not getting what op needs. Projects are all about getting people who you don’t manage to do stuff they probably don’t want to do. Carrot not stick or people just dig their heels in. Now if after having an amicable discussion you don’t get it you escalate but you do so in terms of the impact on the project not the personality of the person . If you came to me saying Sandra is being awkward my first question would be have you actually had a conversation with, no all on teams well pick up the bloody phone then.

I had to deal with someone like this when I came back from mat leave. Thankfully she was only on a contract, so wasn't a long term thing. I asked her to clarify a few things and fill in the blanks (important things had happened whilst I was on leave). These clarifications were requested over the course of about 4 weeks, only about 3 emails in total, no teams messages etc. She accused me of micromanaging and was trying to "one up" me in email responses. She was also ultra defensive in any handover meetings.

Basically turned out she hadn't done a great job and was obviously aware I was "onto her". I didn't care particularly, I just wanted to know some details so I could do my job when she left! People are weird and it signifies a problem with them, not you.

I think it depends, had she gone through it in detail before? It can be annoying having to go over things again because someone hasn't been listening or taking notes, or lacks confidence and wants to double check everything even when it's in their experience and authority.

You have completely misunderstood my point, have you got it confused with another message? I said/meant i prefer to get everything in writing, because if there's a fuck up then there is evidence it's not your fuck up and evidence you tried to reach out to a team member to clarify details/responsibilities and they told you it was done.

I'm not saying that you need to log evidence of people being irritated with you on teams and go to management to moan 'Sandra's being short with me wahhh wahh" that's interpersonal playground shit.