In laws involving my DC in their politics and dramas

[BouncerMum]

I have very little to do with my in-laws because firstly, over the years they have been very nasty to me, and secondly I just cannot do with the dramas, the games and the politics.

They are the most 2 faced bunch I’ve ever met. They all slag each other off, be smiley when they see the person, then not speak to them for 2 years over something petty. If you do something wrong you get a punishment, usually a snub of some sort. They’ve tried to drag me into things, but I grey rock them and don’t engage with any of it. My DH doesn’t get involved either.

I told DH that since they don’t get anywhere with us, my bet is they will go directly to my DC when they were older and that’s what they’ve done. Once they turned 18 they asked for their contact details and social media and they try and engage with my DC but they aren’t really interested, and don’t respond to the level they expect, because they don’t feel they have a close relationship with them. My in-laws have a lot to say about family, but have never really invested any time in DH, me and my DC.

Now my in-laws are annoyed, and are starting to show behaviour which I shut down years ago when it was directed at me. So, last week my eldest got a massive telling off for not immediately returning a call, and for not commenting on someone’s SM post. It’s all 3rd hand too, “this person in the extended family isn’t happy with you, they told me you didn’t do this, and I’m giving you a telling off”. I’m pissed off because my eldest has had a stressful time with Uni, and has worked really hard to make friends, find people to move in with, and they don’t need extended family dramas. Now they are calling up and talking about my eldest in an offhand tone when mentioned. There will be a punishment soon. A birthday or Christmas present missed, or an email sent saying how disappointed they are in them, or some criticism directed because that’s what they do.

My DC are too polite to say anything back or stick up for themselves with older relatives. I don’t feel I can just sit there and let my DC get flack for not keeping in regular contact with extended family they don’t feel that close too. I’ve seen how far these feuds and dramas go, and I don’t want my DC dragged into them, and nor do they.

AIBU to step in and start defending them? My DC are just not interested in their dramas.

When MIL who I was NC with messaged something manipulative to DD I messaged her to say if she did it again she would be blocked. DD was 13 though so a bit different.
Unfortunately as they are adults you can't protect them as much, you can warn and advise and of course tell the in laws to F off (or ideally DH does) but a lot if it will be in the hands of your Dc

It’s a hard one. I know you are an adult at 18 but they don’t have the life skills to tell elderly relatives and middle age aunts and uncles to get lost. They are too polite and never encountered family conflict directly.

Personally if I had an issue with one of my nieces and nephews or a GC I’d go through their parent. There was a massive feud between one aunt and a niece a few years back which was awful. She got slagged off across the whole family and I was surprised her parents just stood by and said nothing. I suppose I’ve seen what can happen and I’d prefer to nip it in the bud now.

And you are right in that I have protected them in the past.

Personally I would suggest to your kids that they block them on SM and phones and ignore and don’t open any emails.

As to then not getting presents as punishment, well who cares, they are showing your kids what they are really like and they don’t need people like that in their lives

I agree with Vaxtable, give 'permission' for your DC to block them all all SM and email.
Sometimes, my DD (a young adult) tells me things so that I can tell her it's OK, largely because she doesn't have the experience to know that.

I can't imagine your now adult children are remotely interested in receiving presents from these people and are sufficiently media savvy to simply block them if they are being a pain. Make it clear that you are happy for them to do that.

Speak to your children, and tell them that they don't have to put up with disrespectful relatives. They are young adults, are able to decide for themselves if they wish to have contact with them. Just because someone is 'older' or 'family', it doesn't automatically make them a nice person. Give them your blessing, if they wish to block the nutty relatives! You can't do more than that, the rest is up to your children.

Years ago I did tell my adult kids that it was fine not to add my parents/wider family on social media.

Yes, I’ve told my DC they don’t have to add anyone onto their SM they don’t want to. Also, to be polite, but they don’t have to accommodate those they don’t want to.

If I see them being dragged into things, or bad mouthed, I think I will be pulling my in-laws up on it though. I’m not going to let my DC be bullied like I’ve seen with some of the other younger people in the family.

My DC are too polite to say anything back or stick up for themselves with older relatives

This is the problem. Make it very clear that they have every right to stand up to this bullying, whether or not the bully is a relative or older. If you deal with this by intervening on their behalf, they won’t feel empowered to act, and the in-laws will pretend the problem is you.

They can and should unfollow, block and ignore anyone at all who is unpleasant to them. People pleasing is a terrible way to live your life!

Just get your kids to block them.
I mean if they are going to emotionally blackmail them and "punish" them by taking away gifts for not commenting on a post or returning a call straight away do they need these people in their lives?

Teach your children they can cut off anyone who tries to control them in that manner

If these people are so awful, why do you have any contact at all? Tell your adult children to block them and that they don't have to have anything to do with them at all. They can't drag any of you into their drama if you don't engage.

AIBU to step in and start defending them? My DC are just not interested in their dramas.

If you do this you will be engaged in the drama you have spent years avoiding.

You can explain to your children that they are not obliged to have any kind of relationship with people who treat them badly and support them in blocking the family on phones and SM.

The loss of gifts is a small price to pay for peace.

Continue with grey rock and discuss the technique with your children. It's a great way of letting a problem stay where it starts and will be useful to them in other situations.

I'd be telling your DC to block and would set an example by going NC yourself

My darling mum did that when her ghastly sister started on my sibling and I. Life has been very peaceful on that front ever since