Dating as a single mum

[Newlysinglemum1]

So I've recently been reading a few threads on here and seen a few things on other platforms talking about the risks to children from step parents. And lots of opinions surfacing that single mums basically shouldn't be dating or ever blending families because they are exposing their children to heightened risk of abuse from that step parent and I'm really struggling to get my head around this.

I'm about 6 months post separation from stbxh and I left him in order to protect ds from him when it came out that he was involved in offences against children (not ds thank god) . Everything I'd known about him up to that point (over the many years we were together) was that he was a safe, social, hard working, caring family man who seemed like a wonderful partner and father and this came completely left field so I'm acutely aware that predators can be totally credible and convincing. I'm not anywhere close to being ready to date yet however I'm also really struggling with this idea that in my 30s I should basically be shutting up shop until I'm in my 50s and ds is an adult which is 16 years away, that i should give up any hope of ever being able to have more children in the future which is something I've always wanted (but would only do if it felt like the right decision for ds).

I feel like naturally yes of course we want to protect our children from risk of harm, but to me there are also big positives that can be gained from a safe and caring step parent - I want ds to grow up with clear examples of what a good man looks like and how they act in relationships, what healthy conflict and communication looks like, how you show respect and care and compromise in a relationship. It's one thing me telling him what this looks like, but surely it's better for him to actually see it, especially since he won't get it from his father and his grandfathers are elderly or in ill health. Everything we do and every time we walk out the door there is an element of risk, but we have to weigh this up with not limiting our kids life experiences either.

Obviously I'm not talking about meeting a guy and jumping into a relationship and introducing him to the kids and moving him in quickly before you've really had a chance to vet him and get to know him because I think that goes without saying. I also can't imagine that single dad's are being encouraged not to date until their children are adults so in a way this kind of feels like women are once again being held accountable for the actions men take and being told to make our lives smaller or make ourselves less so as not to 'ask for it' so to speak.

With the amount of marriages and relationships that do end up parting, It is unreasonable to say anyone should spend years alone.

When you decide to date, wait until you are with somebody who you are confident you have a future with, then take your time in introducing him to your kids and you to his if applicable.

Dating doesn't mean you need to have him round yours or vice versa. If you feel like getting physical, explain your feelings and arrange a weekend away to begin with.

I don't understand your point or your AIBU.

Yes there are people who will recommend single mums stay single until the kids grow up to better safeguard the child.
But so what? It's not the law. Its just an opinion.
You can listen to someone else's opinion, and then take it or leave it.

If a single mum can find someone who wants to date them, its up to her to decide if she wants to or not.

As long as the people you're dating aren't around your kids until you know you can trust them (as looking at what happened with your ex, can you ever?) then there's no problem with dating.

The issue is having them to stay like 2 weeks after you meet, and moving them in within the year.

My mother had plenty boyfriends. Always a different guy staying over it felt like. There was abuse, including sexual abuse. She knew, she didn't care. Horribly, the ones who I thought were nicest, who were good to me, she would break up with for being "too boring" . I'd be really sad when the nice ones would go, and absolutely fucking terrified when the awful ones would come back again and again. Date, but just don't do that to your kids.

Good advice here. . If you keep the dating out the house then your child won't be exposed and at risk. Further down the line , a year or so after doing relevant police checks you might consider introducing them, but like your child's dad, there's always someone who didn't get caught. You can only mitigate a certain amount of risk. The fact your post is so thought out , I think means you will make good choices

There's a bit of conflict between those who think you should be upfront on dating profiles that you have kids so people who don't want to date people with children don't end up wasting time and emotional energy on someone with a deal breaker; versus those who think you mentioning that you have kids on your profile means you'll attract perverts and weirdos who are trawling dating apps looking for access to kids.

I think mention it, its a big part of your life, and who you are but don't put any pictures, ages etc.

The second conflict comes in on when you should introduce them to your kids. MN gets concerned when a family blends after 2 months and thats when you get the "give your head a wobble" type questions. I think when the relationship does progress to blending stages you also need to be more frank about financial discussions and expectations.

Its not dont date. But you just can't do it in the way you can when there aren't kids involved and "just see how it goes"

I know it's ultimately my choice, but it's also something that I worry about and want to make the right choice on because of how much it would affect ds. So I guess I'm just trying to understand all perspectives on it because my thinking would be of course its OK for single mums to date provided they're sensible about it.

I'm so sorry to hear that, @Agix 💐

There is a very black and white attitude in your post. Your choice does not have to be either no relationship until your DC hits 18 OR remarrying so they have a step parent.

I started dating a year after my ex left me and met my now partner shortly after. We dated for 6 months before my children knew he existed. After that they met but they spent very little time together. Eventually he started staying one night a week while they were there (after we'd been together 3 or 4 years!).

It's been 10 years now and we still do not live together. He gets on well with my children and they have a good relationship with him but they have no need for a step parent. I have also made it clear to all of them that this is my children's home first and foremost.

You don't have to be a nun but there is pretty much zero need for your child to have a new step parent immediately, and however great they might be your child needs to come first.