To have reacted like this to my parents?

[User1033]

I am late 30s. I have a 3 year old. When I was five months pregnant my partner left me. He didn’t see our daughter until she was 14 months. I had to chase him to pay via cms. I was understandably very distressed by all of this, I struggled to cope with my pregnancy as I never planned on doing it alone and it was horrendous giving birth and taking my baby home without their father.

My parents know that ex sees dd once a week since he met her when she was 14 months. He has chosen not to have her to stay over (though does live a considerable distance so it wouldn’t be easy at the moment). Last week my dad said he thought it was shame we didn’t all integrate together and that I don’t want ex to be present with them (my parents) even though I am sometimes with dd with ex. I was appalled he said this and was immediately defensive, asking why he would want to be around a man who did that to me and why would I want that? He said what about birthday parties in the future and I said ex can celebrate with her and I will always ensure she has a party with me and my parents. My dad said dd would question that when she grew up and I said it was entirely reasonable for me to have this boundary that I don’t want my parents and ex spending time together. I was extremely upset and called him an awful father to expect this of me and that I didn’t really have any idea why he would even want that after this man did what he did to me.

we haven’t spoken now for a week. I have been horrendously upset by it all and although I am usually quick to want to sort out any conflict, I can’t face even speaking to them after this. I haven’t heard from them. Aibu?

please be kind (even if honest!) with responses as I am very fragile.

I should also add that when he left he gave no explanation and was incredibly cruel to me leading up to it. It wasn’t a case of a respectful breakup.

Yanbu. Your dad needs to.respect your boundaries with this.

I doubt dd ever will question it for her it will be the norm.

You are doing a good job keeping your boundaries and not being bullied.

@Enko thanks for replying. He was really unpleasant to me and said I was being ridiculous and unfair on dd. I do everything for dd and I am around ex with dd to be civi. But I just don’t want my family being around him

The thing is, him attending birthday parties etc in the future is for your DD, it has nothing to do with how your relationship ended. It makes sense for DD that her family can integrate with eachother if needed and if she wants her dad at her birthday party and he’s willing to come then that’s what’s best for your DD so that’s what should happen. It’s shit for kids whose parents won’t be around eachother, what happens when she gets married or graduates? Parents evenings or if she ever becomes poorly? Boundaries are great but for you, not your kids whole life. I no many don’t do it this way but getting on with the ex at joint events is really useful.

@ToKittyornottoKitty i am around ex for this reason. I agree with you. But I don’t want my family around him. That’s what I meant. Sorry if not clear in my post.

Your ex sees his DD little enough, your dad is batshit if he thinks the time your ex spends with his child should be further diluted by your parents being there too. He’s there to see his DD, not to spend time with your dad.

It still applies tho, what happens at parties, life events etc? Which one are you excluding? Not wanting them to be friends and socialise is fair enough, but for one thing they are adults and can do what they want, but also if it’s a thing for your child I personally don’t think it’s right to exclude your parents or your DDs dad. They might need to do handovers one day if your parents babysit and then she goes to her dads etc

@HenDoNot sorry my dad just meant at like Christmas or Easter etc and the odd day out here and there

I do this with my ex but I appreciate its not always the best thing to do for everyone so YANBU.

You are unreasonable calling your dad an awful father though. Surely he was trying to think what may be best for you all.

I think it's up to you whether you want your parents to spend time with your ex. Obviously you have to be in touch with him yourself, but that doesn't necessarily mean he has to be integrated into the wider family, and you feel more comfortable keeping your family an ex-free zone.
I don't know why your dad is behaving like this and wonderful if being angry then going silent is typical of him.

Also I think calling your father an awful father is over reacting, he was just having an adult conversation with you. He hasn’t gone behind your back or anything.

I agree with you to an extent, but it does seem a bit hypocritical that you say you sometimes spend time with your DD and ex, for that reason I can understand your dads confusion that you won’t do the same with them.
I think in the long run you would be better off being civil in having him attend birthday parties etc as your DD gets older, because as a pp said - what about potential weddings and graduation later on - she can’t have 2 of them just to please you both.

I think your ex has behaved poorly enough for this to be a very reasonable boundary to have, YANBU.

It seems like a really insensitive comment on his part, I’m not surprised you reacted.

I can understand why it upset you, but really he's not suggested anything outrageous like becoming drink buddies with your ex. Just that you don't keep them away at special occasions. It seems to come from a good place regardless, so I'd try to get over it if I were you.

I get the special occasions point but I still don’t want to spend Christmas with my family and my ex partner who did one of the worst things you can do to a woman

I'm surprised your dad wants to socialise with your ex-partner. If anyone had treated my DD as badly as you have been treated, I would not want to be in their company.

You need to maintain a relationship with your ex to facilitate him seeing your daughter, but there is no need for your parents to socialise with him. It was very insensitive of your dad to keep pushing this.

You said he left you? You haven’t said anything about abuse?

@User1033 did you not read that he left me in pregnancy with no explanation, refused to respond to my messages, forced me to go to cms and then didn’t see his child (let alone actually do any parenting) until she was 14 months? Perhaps you don’t consider that abuse. I do.

From my experience of blended families, the more people are willing to see eye to eye the better. Your Dad is suggesting this for his grand daughter, to ensure transitions and events in her life go smoothly. It's not a slight on you at all, he doesn't want to be friends with your ex he just wants to make life easier for your daughter.

I understand your sensitive but I think you need to see this from your child's perspective.

My husband's ex is an absolute nightmare, her family are a nightmare also. I absolutely dread my step children's weddings, life events already! And I'm sure when they become of age where they realise fully it will be heartbreaking for them. Sadly it could so easily be fixed by communication which just isn't happening.

Your Dad doesn't give a crap about your ex but he cares about you and his grand daughter. You need to sit down and talk again.

Leaving you and refusing to have anything to do with his kid was absolutely shit behaviour from him, but it’s not abuse. I thought you meant you’d left out a story of sexual or physical/mental abuse and we’d missed some context as a result.

Id apologise to your dad for calling him an awful father but explain how much what he did still upsets you, and agree if that if it crops up in the future that both them and her dad will be at an event for DD that that’s fine but that other than that there’s no need for them to see him. If it’s not a blanket ban forever it could make more sense and cause less fall out. Hopefully your dad just didn’t realise how upset you still are even though you have to see him now

It sounds like you're reacting out of understandable hurt but your dad hasn't said anything massively unreasonable, it didn't sound to me like he was desperate to spend time with your ex, just that for your DD's sake he was floating the idea of it which isn't terrible. I certainly don't think he deserved to be called an awful father for it.

Your ex behaved appallingly but it doesn't mean he was abusive.

I think the best thing you can do really is give yourself time to calm down, apologise to your dad and explain you're still feeling very hurt by what happened with your ex. I'm sure he'll understand.

Oh god OP
If that was my dad he'd not want to be anywhere near your ex...he'd want to throw some punches (not literally, not condoning violence here but you know what I mean ... He'd be furious beyond belief)
I don't blame you at all, I'd find that disloyal tbh and be pissed off that he thinks he knows better than you in this situation, I'm sure you've thought about all the options yourself and done what you think is in your child's best interests!

I get that and it's fine if these are your boundaries. I was just saying that there's no need to fall out with your father over this, his suggestion was insensitive but not outrageous.

I think you’ll all need to be in the same room in the future. Milestone birthdays, graduations, etc. As a child of divorced parents I can attest to the fact that it is incredibly uncomfortable when your parents can’t be civil to eacother. Or spend the entire time ensuring they are on opposite sides of the room. It used to make me so anxious.

I get that you’re the aggrieved party, but you will need to rise above it. Maybe that’s what your dad was alluding to. I doubt he’s gagging to spend time with your ex. More that he is anticipating future gatherings, and the practicalities that come with that.

Anyway, it may never happen. It sounds like he is kind of uninterested in being a father anyway.

If your dad is normally kind and supportive, I think you may need to apologise.