Replacement.

[hammlet]

I'll be brief. I am a replacement child born to a couple that lost their 4 year old son.

My mother left when I was 8 and after a few failed attempts I haven't seen her for over 30 years. I do know from a very brief interaction with my brother that contact is not to be expected, I wouldn't be allowed any contact details for her.

From time to time my depression gets very serious and although I've had lots and lots of therapy and AD's etc I get so very low.

Currently I am really struggling as I usually get a birthday card and a Xmas card but this year I haven't. It's extra painful this time and I've basically been in bed for 2 weeks totally numb and so low it leaves me breathless. I don't know what to do now. How can I get rid of my depression? What more avenues can I try? I'll be honest and say I'll try and come back if I'm lucky to get a reply but the shame is so bad for me asking for help, that I may not.

I'm so sorry, that's a really, really rough hand to have been dealt.
This is not your fault.
Have you had any therapy? You need to learn self-love and self-care big time. It's possible.
I wish you well @hammlet

How is your relationship with your dad? And you mention a brother as well, how is that?

I think this is one of those times where, since nothing is going to fix this, you need to build on what you do have and focus on that. Which is very easy to say but… lots of children grow up in a single parent household with no contact with one of their parents. And they get on with life.

Maybe your problems come from holding onto the hope of having something, and clinging onto the very small things you get like a birthday card.
It’s time to accept that this just isn’t going to happen, and try to strengthen and enjoy the relationships you do have with your dad, singling, friends. A partner maybe?

Nothing anyone here says is going to be more helpful than the therapy you’ve had, but sometimes too much therapy can be an issue too because you’re using it to cling onto this thing you want when you need to let it go.

Ultimately you need to forget about your birth givers, and accept that you are a wonderful person that deserves to be here and be happy. You are not a replacement for anyone.

I think if you normally get a bday/xmas card, perhaps your mum is unwell? It’s not about you

Sounds like you’ve had a hard time, and don’t feel loved for who you are by your parents (I feel the same for different reasons). There are no easy answers to this unfortunately, but it’s about your parents and not you

I have found reading about children of emotionally neglectful parents helped me, as did lots of (expensive, private) therapy.

wishing the best for you

So sorry OP. I’m a bit lost for words by your post, I can’t even imagine how hurt you must feel. Just know it’s not you or anything you could’ve possibly done. Please don’t lay any blame on yourself. X

I'm so sorry @hammlet Is there a way you can draw a line under this, and come to terms with there being no relationship - as if your mother has died?

Then you won't beat yourself up about expecting something and not receiving it.

S o so sorry - a big unMumsnetty hug to you.

You are not a replacement. This is totally a failure of your mother not of you. Sending love.